Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
sKePTiKal:
Coming back down to earth now. Took awhile.
I have NOT been able to focus my brain on much of practical worth. Just been bouncing around doing a little of this, a little of that... have gotten out of the house to go do different things and am "collecting" the pieces needed to begin tackling new projects down the road.
I played a little more with the online dating app... and got cold feet almost immediately. The "profiles" are so 2-D (like cardboard cutouts) and useless to me, that anyone who does manage to get a bit of humor or ego through the invisible wall of the website, are the ones who appear the most "human". Otherwise, I feel like these personalities are all just robots. And I find myself getting angry at them, of all things. Especially the ones who post their long list of "rules" about what they will/won't do or what is/isn't "acceptable" to them.
Pfffft. Like people are always zero or 100% anything all the time. They've so heavily defined the shape and depth and quality of the "hole" they're trying to fill, they aren't open to anything OTHER than that; they are limiting themselves so much it makes me wonder if they've ever lived a life with other people before.
And in part - it's the format of the website software that is causing some of that limitation and forcing people to focus on "looks" and availability (ie, location) more than anything else. The other thing that I've looked for and not found yet - is a way to block people that turn out to be nuisances/stalkers. The tools for talking to each other... leave a lot to be desired.
I figured I wasn't being "fair" in my assessment initially, so that's why I spent more time looking again. But I am actively turned off, insulted, angry and deep-down bothered by this phenomenon or means of "meeting" people. My account is active for a bit... so I'll keep at it, when I'm bored. But seriously not worth wasting my time "hoping" in that space.
My reaction isn't much different than how I felt in the 80s in the big city "meat markets" where people looked for relationships... temporary and otherwise. I want to ask some of these guys if they need to look at my teeth... before they decide it's OK to just TALK a bit. I don't operate in that realm of reality when it comes to other people - I see them as humans - a complex mix of lots & lots of things. Most people are really interesting in their uniqueness. Software tends to flatten all that tapestry of richness into something.......
stereotypical. That's what it is; that's why bugs the hell out of me about that "interface".
Hopalong:
Oooo! Oooo!
I have as you might guess, so many opinions about online dating!
(I have met many very nice men. No chemistry but decent people. Wearisome chore to arrange the coffee dates--and I distrust correspondence flirtation that goes on and on, it sets one up for disappointment by the time actual chemistry is observed in person. Judith Sills says, meet QUICK. But...once in the coffee shop, out of people-curiosity, I almost always enjoy meeting them.)
But in the meantime, during the search, my two most-favorite peeves were:
1) "No baggage. I don't want any woman with baggage." (from 70 y/o men, divorced, etc.)
2) "No women my age. They've got to be 5-10+ years younger." (from the age-range they set)
My courteous, compassionate internal responses are:
1) I have lived more than six decades on this earth as a woman with successes, failures, wounds and healings and lessons learned. I am extending goodwill and courtesy to you and welcoming your life story with curiosity and an open heart. How about you take your no-baggage expectation, roll it up in a little tube, and figure out where it might fit.
2) You are entitled to a younger, healthier body to serve and delight you, but we are expected (en masse) to be content and turned on by older bodies that will slow, burden and most likely predecease us. But we should never object that you've ruled out all women your own age before even meeting, and should accept gracefully that this prejudice is our lucky fate. Toodles.
Ai and yi.
But Amber, notwithstanding...if you can, without driving too far or sacrificing too much....I do encourage you to go do the coffee dates anyway. Each time you meet a new man is PRACTICE. Looking at it that way lightens up the whole thing, and if you stay seriously in the PRESENT, you can have some interesting conversations, observe new personalities, hear meaningful stories...and the worst you risk is some boredom. It just reminds one that we are alive, vital, free to choose, and just as free to gently email a No, afterward. ("Thanks for taking the time to meet me. Although I enjoyed our conversation I realize that for me, it's not a romantic fit. I do wish you the best of luck in your search, and hope you soon find the perfect partner.)
The most important phrase in that template no-note is "for me." That is not up for argumentation and does not require defending. (So the rare fellow who would persist after receiving that message can be immediately blocked. In fact, I eventually got into the habit of sending that message, written in a gracious and genuinely kind tone...and then immediately blocking. So I closed off from any further stress over what HE would think. I was being honest and responsible and kind, and I was not in charge of protecting or helping him manage his own response. Fortunately, later in life I think more men are sanguine about it. It's true for women too, I have received the same kind kiss-off. No harm no foul.)
Okay, I'll quit vicariously dating now! Good luck with doing it or not doing it, whatever feels right for you.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hopsie, you are so funny: "take your no baggage expectation, roll it up in a little tube and figure out where it might fit" :) Lol :)
Skep, I have much the same reaction to online dating. I do think our consumer driven society has made dating a bit like ordering food at a drive through; people have a set list in their minds and kind of expect it delivered into their laps. One profile I read had a long list of requirements in a woman, including her BMI and instructions on how to measure it because the guy was getting frustrated with women who were bigger than his specification turning up :) Lol. I suspect as well that the true gems find it hard to shine on websites; they don't tend to do the endless boasting about their achievements, they're often a bit shy or get tongue tied and pictures only give you the surface bit, you can't tell if they're kind or loyal from those. But I'm intrigued to hear some stories so I'm hoping you'll go on a few dates at least :) xx
sKePTiKal:
I am cackling over here about "roll your requirements up in a tube" myself. OMG. I desperately need to figure out where I left my warped, twisted & sick sense of humor when it comes to this process. Even when Hol got that mischievioius, devious look in her eye and said: MOM. You could have so much fun with this. Make up stuff. Be creative. Don't even worry about THEM... they're doing it too. Even then, the reaction I had - but but but, this is SERIOUS stuff here.
And I think, that this is the way I've always approached this part of life. In a way, I'm projecting that hole in me that needs filling too... and it's a life or death seriousness I have about it, even if I don't make silly lists about people. And I'm looking based on my past experiences... and out of hand rejecting everything that comes along... and the reasons are legion and right there, thanks to my past. I don't think I want to re-run any past relationships... but the patterns are there; in my emotional "brain"... and of course, I'm doing the comparisons to the patterns, the deep-down non-verbal need to attach, and the rational hypervigilant, analytical - oh, no way, jose - judging.
I even tried talking to Dieter, my "guy in charge" at the shop about this. LOL... he put on his "dad" hat, knows I have that over-achiever energy... and told me to slow down, and be patient... that this will happen all in good time. Most of the time, I'm too busy to even think about it. I just don't have room in my head right now -- until I take a break like this -- to add anything else. I don't want to be that frazzled, going in that many directions at once, I kinda LIKE a more relaxed pace to things.
:idea:
I think I'm putting the cart before the horse again. I'm still learning a lot about me - in this space of solitude - that I couldn't feel or see before, because there was always a relationship involved. I'm more fair in my self-judgements, and more validating than in the past... and resistant to the "shoulds" and asking "well, why NOT?"... than in the past. I know what the past me was trying to attach to, and WHY. And it would make sense that I don't need to learn those things again.
But I can't know what I'm looking for in a relationship or a guy (I know what I like; just not what the magic combination is) until I know the "new me" a little better. Yeah, I can always take my usual approach of "fly by the seat of my pants" and "surf life"... it's a good cure for boredom, but usually involves drama. Hmmmm. Guess the new me isn't as spontaneous - and that's not a word anyone would describe me with, old or new me.
sKePTiKal:
Just following up on that idea...
I've been feeling kinda "stuck" - as in, unsure of what's "next" for me - not wanting to commit to even having the electrician come out and hang my new chandeliers... feeling like I needed to write out the dreck in my head... and making the ASSUMPTION that it was more Mike processing... and then, not ever opening the dang journal. Just floating & drifting along, distracting myself with this & that. Trying to talk to Ronnie about projects some... getting his feedback... and still not able to really organize myself and put me in gear again.
Not Mike processing. Not this time. This is "me" processing... feeling, noticing, knocking out the routines and trying something different... or not trying anything at all. Keeping some, looking for others, letting some old crap go... and it's all me. I keep listening for echoes of Twiggy in this space; she was pretty active in the first months of adjustment to life alone - a bit freaked out and scared. But there are only faint, gentle nudges in directions - that I'd already been thinking about anyway.
It's like I put off dealing with the "me" work in progress... until I'd reached this plateau of change, healing from the grief, etc. And now I just need to put in the time here - on me, for me - and try to sense what has changed and how I'm different now.
Hmmm. I wonder how long that's going to take? Spring is on it's way, and I still have important things to work on around here, when February is in the rear view mirror. It's a significant change for sure, that I've actually put myself "on the list"... with specific improvements started.
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