Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
lighter:
Hi Amber.
Reading your post what cane up for me was the anger you have with the on-line dating process. There's an old African saying..... I'm paraphrasing here....
Anger is a lazy form of grief..... something like that.
That might make sense here. Maybe not.
About all the live, die information about what perspective dates will and won't accept....
I like information. I tended to give information like that in dating scenarios. Sure, it hasn't worked out for me, but I understand the need to have important issues declared.
I hope you write in your journal soon.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I don't think it was grief fueling the anger this time, Light. It's how the medium - online dating - forces people to condense, and flatten, and limit their expression of who they are and what they "say" they are looking for into a job description/resume scenario. It's cold and inhuman - and that's what I'm reacting to, I think. Like looking at/talking to a robot.
I've been spending a fair amount of time trying to support some new widows, as well. One in particular is having a huge emotional storm and she's made several repeated comments about wishing she'd died with him, that have me herding her a little bit. Daily or twice daily check-ins to "take her emotional temp"; that kind of thing. Without trying to pressure her or criticize the intensity of the emotions. I know what that's like when you're drowning in it. She's not engaging much with people either. And I'm trying by asking questions, to get her to open up a bit - without violating a need for privacy, which I understand well.
So, because my rational mind knows I tend to relate to other people's difficulty, through the emotional lenses of my OWN... I'm working really hard on that reflex right now. It's as pernicious with me, as that professorial "we" I fall into a lot. I do fear for her safety - at least emotionally - right now. But that's the last thing I'm going to tell her. I'm just there checking to see how she's doing throughout the day -- as well as some others in that group. And trying to help her find her own way through.
So, I got asked to tell my loss story - again. And I did. That's something I needed to do, to be able to see where I was... and where I am now. I didn't know that until I finished up the story and started having conversations about some of my discoveries from that process with some others. I think that's why I had resistance about the journal, too btw. I had no desire or need to dive into those feelings again... even though it kept coming up as I dealt with the woman I'm trying to help. That empath reflex is kind of a curse sometimes.
The process of sharing my story with the other widows HELPED clear the deck again. I'm back in motion, making decisions, organizing things getting ready to move into spring/summer work season again. And I'm deliberately choosing not to swamp myself this year with commitments. I need to get caught up on some things I need to deal with - and can't sub out to anyone - and then, see where I am before I get the cart before the horse.
I also have to slow the pace down enough, so that I have time to revive some of those neglected areas of my life - that I put on hold while dealing with last summer's projects.
Other than that - it's F E B R U A R Y. My least favorite month. I'm sick of winter and being cold... but it continues. The holidays and fun are past. It's either too cold or too muddy to work outside... so blech. I've been going through my stack of saved "ideas" for decorating that have been sitting around for a year and actually ordering them. Living room is going to change "flavor" in the month or so.
lighter:
Amber....the wet mucky water logged earth is moss heaven. I'm in the yard pulling weeds, and planting happy moss.... it's lovely. Sorry it's not a productive time for you out of doors right now. I always have big containers if moss waiting to be re homed... The ice and snow don't bother it. I can drown it, so have to watch that, but it's hard to kill stuff, which works well for me. When snow melts there's new sporophytes everywhere. I'm shocked that weeds seem to grow in the Winter too, but I'm trying to stay on top of it.
It's good you're working through the mourning process alongside your widows. Sometimes we're willing to go to painful places for the sake of others, IME, but not for ourselves. I'm interested in what you say to the widow wishing she could follow her husband.
I want to pick your brain on some renovation matters. Will do it on another thread.
I'm glad your in motion again. I'm resisting some icky paperwork things myself.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
This is true what you say, about what we'll do for others that we won't do for ourselves. At least, with me. But I also think, this is akin to when a grad student takes a freshman by the hand, and gets them acquainted with the college "universe". Still getting organized, and trying to get some useful input from the widow in question... it's kinda hard when people clam up and you don't even know which part of the process they're really dealing with because their only expressions are so cryptic; or in "code".
On the other hand, it does put me in danger of re-injuring or re-opening my own wounds... and the Amy thing is right now, a big issue with Holly - who is having a tough time with some things I've accepted; but she hasn't. This just came out of the blue at me last night. I "think" I know a) what she wants and b) her problem with why it's not going to happen. But every time I get close to being sure of things like this... it goes in another direction.
So, the rest of the group is going to have to jump in and help support our struggling birdy widow, until I can get the Holly-meister to grok a few things about boundaries, over-responsibility, and mental illness. She's not emotionally accepted some things, and that burr keeps rubbing her the wrong way all the time. Of course she's miserable over it.
I know my limits better than I used to and I can't possibly keep my wits about me, trying to field two things like this at once... especially since I have to work hard to protect myself in the process. I don't want to screw up or drag someone down the wrong paths... I want them to find their own, do the work themselves, and then own the results... whatever they end up being.
I wish it was time to play in the dirt here Lighter. But it'll be at least another month or more. I still have plenty to do, as piddly and insignificant they are in the scope of "life"... they are still important.
lighter:
Amber,
I'm still learning how to erect and enforce boundaries. Good luck to Hol figuring it out regarding her sister, and nephews....so hard to accept self destructive choices and pd's in loved ones. We have to learn how to sit still and do nothing when we're feeling like our skin might come off....that we must DO in order to save people we can't possibly save, IME. I'm aware, just not in control enough to lay down feeling responsible and get on with life. There's hope of peace in understanding it's possible.....in contemplating not feeling like I can fix or change others or outcomes.
I think I about have it licked with my oldest dd17 then realize I don't, but there's huge hope in practice.
I'm conflicted about what it means to me to stop the patterns, to focus on my business and let others learn from example to do the same, but that's what it is, I think.
Being consistent is difficult, even if we understand, IME. What seems to be hard is making peace with myself if I do manage healthy boundaries. I know it's relief....
and release of wasted unhelpful struggle, yet.... it's hard to keep it in focus.
Lighter
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version