Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

<< < (32/33) > >>

Hopalong:
That is a heart-wrenching description, Amber.
I am so sorry.

I remember the cold fear and hot pain.
Please take care of yourself, I know you know,
but...it's hard to remember at times.

love and comfort,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I can definitely see the correlation, if there is a buried memory that's so fearful to look at (or was, at that age) that it becomes a "poison arrowhead"... constantly dripping a timed-release poison into your being. I have said as much Amy; that she needs to explain to a counselor that she thinks there is something like this fueling her cycles of repetitive seeking out more self-destruction. And she wants to learn what it is and how to stop it from controlling HER... while it may never go completely away, she doesn't need to keep trying to resolve the same situation over & over (IRL) looking for a better outcome. (I suspect that's not the whole issue here.)

But I also explained that that was MY experience. She will get more and better help finding someone who can be impartial, has no history with her, and is trained in how we create these things in the first place... and how to undo that tangle of crap. Her crap isn't the same as my crap; and she has to own her own crap to be able to do something about. I can't.

All too often, she seems to look to enmesh; to "be just like Mom"; and with an invisible (to her) ton of heavy hostility. I've looked at that and honestly can say I have no idea what that's about. I figure she feels safe unloading on me, so I'm the one that gets dumped on. It's the only explanation that makes sense... unless I'm missing something. And that's entirely possible. But we won't know until she knows what the burr under her saddle is.

Meanwhile - its asking way too much of myself to try to engage with this widow who's only statements are that she wants to die and simply will not answer direct questions about whether that's a fear about living alone... having a self that isn't (co)dependent on a hubby that isn't coming back... and seems more than anything else, to be throwing out these cryptic scary statements because she can't talk back to any of the loops in her head or explain herself any other way. I'm limiting myself to practical suggestions on living alone in another thread... trying to give this widow positive feedback... and keeping my distance. Let the others try to reach through her steel gates of silence and figure out whether the statements are figures of speech, in an attempt to express pain/grief... or if they are more than that. She did tell me she wanted me to keep talking to her and asking questions and making small-talk and suggestions.

Maybe that's kinda like my wanting to talk about anything except what's feeling bad in me and is worrying me. I dunno. Going to plain old limit my time over there too... and get my butt in gear in real life. Too much time spent in my head, picking at navel-lint, and speculating... trying to design bridges in my head to solve stuff that isn't my business or job... no matter how much I might care.

I'm going to keep plugging away at my "indoor" list. Warmer drier weather is coming and then I've got a LOT I want to get started on this spring. Concrete, specific projects with immediate results... and benefits for my efforts. And yes, I'm still giving myself time to melt into a puddle of tears at how heavy this all feels, right now. Might as well; it's the only real relief right now.

I think maybe my list needs to be made into a map now. Go from ideas to "timeline" and "journey" in making the ideas "real stuff".

Twoapenny:
Skep I hope you can get through this without getting dragged too far in to it - I mean that in a kind way :)  It's so hard to watch people we love go through bad times, and harder still not to leap in and rescue and make it all better.  I often feel like I want to die - not in a 'I'm going to rush off and kill myself' way, but I do think/wonder if there is some sort of deep seated thing in me that keeps surfacing and that hasn't really worked itself through yet.  Sometimes I feel like being dead would just be a way to stop everything going round and round in my head at times.  Equally I know how distressing it is for other people to hear it - so I think A discussing it with a counsellor (as you suggested) would be good, partly because I think that the counsellor then takes some responsibility for dealing with it (ie, if they feel it is a serious threat they will call whoever is needed and be taken more seriously because it's a therapist).  CBT helped me with those sort of thoughts as well but I do feel there's some sort of deep seated something in there.  Maybe it's similar for Amy but, as you rightly say, she's the only one that can dig into that and try to deal with it and get some sort of stability into her life again.  I think getting on with some real time stuff for you is a good way to keep busy while she tries to work through things. xx

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Tupps, I really am trying to do a better job of protecting myself this go-round. And being prepared, too.

IF there really is a defined trauma trying to become conscious for Amy, it would make sense that it would surface this way. There are clues starting to show up... in some of her ranting/ravings/babblings. But I'm not letting myself get too involved in trying to piece those together. Just keeping her focused on the concrete actions, of getting herself to where the "help" is. Part of my brain just automatically tries to do this... and it's a dangerous thing to do.

I'm trying to keep my brain too busy right now, to indulge. It could be years before Amy really gets down to the nitty-gritty of the issue - IF, she ever does - IF she really gets help.

sKePTiKal:
Change of pace day...

going over the mountain for a haircut, pick up new glasses, do a little shopping. I wish I'd been settled enough to get a massage scheduled... it's been TOO LONG again. And I really need my shoulders worked on. Next trip.

We'll see how many stops I make today, before I run for the hills again. LOL. Having lunch with my friend, it's a long weekend for her... she's always visiting me... and part of my wish to move back here, was to be able to visit HER and others for a change.

Amy meets a therapist today. It was either something she did/didn't do (don't know which) that meant she couldn't see the "bargain" counselor... and will get someone who charges a good bit more. I'm hoping that means they have deeper training too. I'll be checking in with her later to see how it went. Meanwhile, I'll be incommunicado on the road today.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page