Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
lighter:
Amber:
All you can do is what you're doing. Allow Amy to find her way, not try to save her, and support her journey in ways that make sense to you.
Making sure she has access to mental healthcare is something you can feel hopeful about. Even if she doesn't make the most of it, or can't yet.
Hops, glad you're doing OK. Looking forward to your update: )
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Well. Come to find out, it was Hol who told Amy to call me. And Amy who said she hadn't talked to her sister... for whatever reason. Hol thinks it's because she's afraid of being tag-teamed by us. I didn't keep a secret very long either, huh?
But it was because I wanted to shore up Hol's awareness of needing to protect herself, too. They were so close in age, they were treated like twins often. (I tried to discourage that, but Grammas are invinceable.) The kid is going through anticipatory grief for her sister... and worry about the boys.
So, more info from Holly... is that Amy's substance abuse problem is beginning to affect her healthwise. And we're back into the do-se-do of propping up each other in our "boundary maintenance"... and no, Holly isn't buying that hope of "this time... we can save Amy" either. But we'll walk that again, this time at more of a distance... to see if Amy's able to a) really seek out help and b) stick with working through the substance issues and then tackle the underlying emotional causes.
I don't THINK I'll need the bunny hat again. But yes, I still have it. Mike got me that, after the 10 day "intervention" trip we tried a few years ago. He didn't know what else would comfort me... and the hat was PERFECT. I could put it on as a "sign" I was feeling sad (she who buries feelings deep)... and look in the mirror and see a rediculous "me" looking back at myself. So, grief didn't drag me down into my own "hole".
Hopalong:
((((((((((Amber))))))))).
Words fail as wakes cross.
I am glad you know about self-protection.
And shoring up Hol's understanding of the same may work, if it's one statement you've never made to her before. But if it's just a repeat that might be a sign from life that Hol has to figure out what co-dependency is on her own. You COULD send her a good reliable book about it, to relieve yourself of being the authority. (Just in case you slide down the slope I lived on -- fixing, advising, controlling, panicking, rinse and repeat....). Which wound up being toxic to us both.
One pragmatic thought. I got to a place where when financial help was needed for health issues, I made it my policy to mail the check made out to the provider, either as an exact amount or as a kind of "retainer" (for example, to cover therapy).
This allows one to know: 1) If the provider cashed it (which would indicate services used), and 2) When.
Leaves you somewhat in the loop, anyway. And you can detour around your D's untrustworthy patterns without insult or offense, simply in an accounting kinda way.
You're probably already doing that, but fwiw.
So much support to you and Hols and A--and her children--
love,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops - that's a good idea, about making the check out to the provider. Hol has been doing her own work on herself. Co-dependency was a theme. She's a good researcher... and thinker, after she's read a lot of different takes on a subject.
A sounds like she's a real mess - or she's insisting on drinking to excess to blot out whatever thoughts are tormenting her. Thought crossed my mind, that she sounded like she was regressing... to a persona of when she was about 10 yrs old. I wish I knew if some mental illness presents as if a person is high or intoxicated... or if extreme substance abuse causes that kind behavior. She keeps babbling the same phrases over & over... like "maybe I'll make some dinner", when I suggested it might take her mind off things a little bit to do something for someone else (like take care of her kids who've got to be terrified)... and repeating parts of thoughts repeatedly, until I reminded her about the "rule of 3"... the kids liked to drive me nutz in the car, repeating the same line from a movie or a song over & over. So I told them they could say it 3 times total... and after that, there were no warnings about me getting mad. Turns out Holly had to do the same thing, when she talked to her.
But she says she has an appt with a counseling service on Thursday. We'll see if she remembers (I'll prompt her Wed night) to go. She seems to be diving deeper into irrationality. Friday night, she was pretty clear and her genuine self - even if she did repeat herself a lot.
If all that sounds cool calm & collected... LOL... right. I'm not sure how well I can protect myself in this situation... so I'm leaning on ye olde "intellectual" perspective crutch to not let my imagination run away with me. I have the bunny hat; worst case scenario. But I can tell it bothers the crap out of me. All I want to do is talk to people...
about ANYTHING normal.
lighter:
Amber:
My Dd17's T said DD's regression into her little child's voice was indicative of the age she was when she experienced the trauma she needed to work through. He heard that voice, and saw a clue.
I'm praying for the best possible outcome for you, Hol, A, and your grandsons.
Lighter
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