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Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

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Twoapenny:
Wow, Skep, those are beautiful pics, what a lovely place to be.  It's great that you've made something that looks warm and cosy but can still withstand the rigours of that outdoor lifestyle and function as you need it to.  You must be feeling very proud of what you've achieved, and so quickly as well!

I hope the processing of the hunters' story is going okay! xx

sKePTiKal:
So I mentioned above that Mike had been withdrawing from me for a couple years, even before things reached the terminal stage. I didn't understand, at the time - and yes, I would occasionally imagine a few possibilities - but I was going through a lot of flashbacks to the rape simultaneously. I wasn't feeling all that comfortable being intimate, either. Thank god for menopause, right?

And now, it's been 4-5 years since I've had a relationship at the level a guy could put his arm around me and I could sink into that feeling of being wanted and safe. I've been noticing that I'm feeling drawn to - almost compelled - to seek out validation/confirmation/acknowledgement of "me" from my wise, older, "useful brothers". (I decided to call that "Daddy Issues" - but after looking around, it would seem that's not quite accurate.)

In the process of packing to move - I found hundreds of items that Mike had purchased and hid from me with an unmistakable message to not deny myself physical contact and pleasure. It was embarrassing, in a way. I'm really not that adventurous sexually. I crave touch, contact, intimacy and true caring more than any physical release... which, IMO, is a lot like flossing. And it's something I can do for myself. But I can NOT give myself those things I crave that only come from a guy in a relationship. (Thank god for black trash bags... many of those "toys" got purged.)

So, the farm came with a "caretaker" - Ronnie. He is the main "hunter" around here. The first few months, he acted like a chaperone too... giving me pointers about various local things; bugging me ride back into the woods & up the ridge with him. Which I have done a couple times - once in his truck, and the other times in my ranger - me driving. He is deeply connected to the land around me... and I think wants to share it with people. His wife does not appear to be interested in outdoors stuff.

Ronnie has helped me out a few times, more than that really - getting stuff done around here. We have an open agreement about letting him & his buddies use my little garden shed and space behind where the barn will go as his "base camp". There have been a couple times, he's made me uncomfortable by being physically too friendly. Hugs and smooches on the cheek kinda thing. I've handled those right at the moment by giving those unmistakable female physical signals, that he's just crossed a line.

I'm not afraid of him, btw. He is a good guy. And a family man... as are his buddies. I can trust him, I think. (Just a little doubt there; planted by my useful brother - the SF doc. I can tell David just about anything and we can talk it through.) So, I AM happy to see him when he's around. He can come & go back into the woods as he pleases - sometimes he stops to see me; a lot of times he doesn't. Ronnie never presses the boundary I set awhile ago... except...

I must be giving off a lonely, needy vibe. Or he suspects that I am - and he does like hanging out here, with me, relaxed... no pressure... too. Thursday, he asked if he could spend the night at the house, since he hadn't cleaned out the little bunkhouse yet. It was supposed to be cold on top of that (it was! I broke out gloves) I thought a second - taken aback; it was pretty bold for him - and said, sure - I have a spare bedroom. (Mind you, at the beach house, I've had plenty of company in the past... Holly's Matt stayed with me a few days, alone. Autumn's TJ spent a week with us, bringing the kids along. And Mike's brother Chris spent a long weekend with me after Mike had passed... and stayed with us many, many other times. There wasn't any problem with all that.)

After dark, when all the other guys left, Ronnie showed up at the door... letting me know they were gone for the evening... and said he was going home to eat & shower/change clothes but he could come back if I was going to be up and wanted company. My "out" - I wanted an out right then - was that once he got home, he should just crash out there, since we'd already figured on Friday night.

It's at that point, that the old subconscious imagination broke out of her cage.

sKePTiKal:
Friday night, he begged off with some excuses - his best friend couldn't hunt Sat morning since he was a couple counties away hunting with his brother; and Ronnie had a wedding to go to Sat afternoon. It was the comment: "I'll come and stay though, if you NEED me to" that pushed my buttons. But I was relieved that I didn't have to have a frank talk with him; which is what I'd come to after pondering a good bit.

Thursday evening, right as he left... he leaned over & hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Right below the ear. And damn, if I don't know what that energy is (I'd have to be dead)... and that it wasn't just me feeling that. So the starved for physical contact subconscious and physical need for touch fueled a LOT of imaginary possibilities. As I tidied up the house and refreshed the guest room that day... I discovered all those little places in life, where a man used to be. And it was fun and happy to be visiting them. And I got all involved in creating little scenarios in my mind -- all driven by the empty spaces that used to have someone special there.

I maybe shouldn't be watching Outlander. Last week's episode reunited Claire & Jamie after 20 years, and I thought it was absolutely "spot-on" that the scene where they go to bed the first time in so many years... Jamie head-butts Claire's nose. Laughing and crying at the time, here - that was terribly true to life. And it's just that intensity of intimacy... that is just GONE for me. So perhaps I really am a lonely, needy old widow after all.

But the rational mind decided to slap some sense into the subconscious fantasies. Crossing that line, with this guy would NOT have a good outcome for either one of us. I do not want to "go there" with someone so much younger - with a wife and family. Even if he IS interested and maybe curious. Lots and lots of booby-traps in there. Even given my response to him and I do like him.

On the other hand, it would appear I have a new aspect of my life that I had set aside for some time, that I'm going to need to explore, take some risks, and this is going to require "getting out more" because there aren't that many men who just drop into my remote little corner of the world, without an invitation. So, now I need to figure out a way to do that in a safe and reasonable fashion.

And I'm not entirely sure if I can restrain that needy subconscious under the circumstances.

This is rediculous to be facing at 60+. LOL.

Hopalong:
You're still a woman at 60+, Amber....age doesn't change that.
NMom had a gentleman caller well into her 90s and that sexual spark didn't go out.
She wasn't sexually active in the literal sense, but male attention was important to her.
I am in my late 60s and this is important in my life too.

I agree with married-David that you should stop playing with married-Ronnie. It could go bad in so many ways.

My reason's simple. I crossed the line once with a married man and will always regret it. I understand why I did it (loneliness, his attention, soulmate matching, plus the chemistry....etc etc). Eventually I forgave myself. But I will always regret it.

Because I harmed another woman and had no right to.  No matter how he described his wife, or how I fantasized I offered what she lacked or withheld, I had absolutely no right to violate HER life. I judged myself for that strongly because I knew exactly how it felt to me when I was married, when my husband's sexual focus strayed. My choice later when I was single but the man was not, damaged my personal integrity and it took me years to rebuild it. When my spouse made clear he was disloyal it HURT. And the fact that other women would willingly participate in creating my pain doubled the hurt. (In time, ironically I also lost respect for this later lover, for his willingness to dishonor his wife.) And know what? I was intimate with him ONE time. Yet it took years to heal from the pain.

I completely understand how lifelong monogamy can't work out in every instance. It's sad but it's true. But I retroactively created a firm new boundary for myself. It was simple. Dating online, if I heard from an interesting man who was separated, I'd respond: "I'm sorry but I don't date men who are married or separated. I'd be happy to hear from you after your divorce is final." Etc. That way, he finishes his own marital experience however he must, but I am not part of the decision or the process. Huge relief.

Your isolation on the mountain is romantic, Amber. That's where the danger of hurting others lies. I hope you will find regular group experiences that bring you out of your fantasies and into community. There will be good men there, who maybe haven't come to you on the mountain like Rapunzel's suitors...but who are divorced, or widowed, and would welcome a chance to get to know you.

It takes time and loneliness is like gasoline on sexual sparks. I so so understand it. And so hope you do eventually find a new relationship that you can enjoy openly in the light on your beautiful mountain. You deserve it. Just not at the expense of another woman, who would be so hurt by your actions. You're no villain and neither is Ronnie, but together you could be cruel. (Personally, part of my healing was to challenge myself about entitlement. Ouch. But there it was. My desire and loneliness translated into, but I WANT him...and there it went. Integrity.)

I think it will take patience and time, and perhaps joining some group of women will help you maintain your perspective on community. You'll always interact with "mountain men" but you also have sisters you haven't met yet. Maybe there are other unique and determined women nearby who'd really value a new friend?

The friendship of interesting women, here and in 3-D, has kept me sane and in my lane for many years. I am grateful to be a crone!

I've been single since 1995. And surprisingly, there may be a new man in my life. More on that when/as it becomes more solid. (I have that don't-jinx-it feeling.)

love to you,
Hops

Hopalong:
PS--I think one of the reasons I allowed myself to become involved with someone married --even for that one night--was that I really had no clear sense of boundaries. My Nmother invaded my sense of self throughout my childhood, and she had no "rules" about respecting my separateness. I think that having had to painstakingly learn about not just constructing, but also respecting, boundaries was a major task of my adulthood.

I think people raised in more normal settings don't struggle quite as hard to accept that "this is where I end and you begin." I think it's also possible that the same could be true for another's marriage. "This is where my right-boundary ends and yours begins." As frantically lonely as I was at that time, it was not as hard as it should have been to overwhelm my very porous sense of boundaries.

I'm relieved I see them and obey them now (for decades). But I do not judge others who struggle to, because I was there did that. Lonely damaged women, and I sure was, can be hurricanes in other people's lives.

My former boundaryless self? But if it feeeeeeeeeels good....I'm a REBEL.....and I'm DIFFERENT. Oh that's a long song. Siren songs are real. The rocks are real.

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