Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

[sKePTiKal]

Had a really good visit with the kids. There was some wood stacking happen, and Matt struggled through problem-solving the mounting for my living room sconces. I got to meet their new puppy - Knuckles. He's pretty cute and a snuggle-pup too.

I haven't seen the hunters for the "big week" like I did last year. I also haven't seen/heard that many deer either. Ronnie's been in/out a few times, but didn't stop. I know he didn't recognize Holly's new car. Had a chance to discuss that situation with Matt & Holly - she didn't tell him much. No firm decisions made there... except for maintaining distance.

No contact with the land owner either, who questioned Ronnie about why I haven't called. Which now reads to me like something is being "brokered" behind my back... so while I put on my naive and innocent hat to find out just what is being wanted from me... and WAITING... I'm having a chance to seriously think about the decision on my own instead. And figuring out just what I WANT to do. I have a few more people to talk to and consult with before deciding.

I've pulled the last card I have to try to get my buildings delivered and installed - the sales person, who is a local. The company said it would be at least 2 weeks out after I called because I heard nothing while the LAST delivery date passed... which is what I've been told for 3 months. As it happens, he's going up there on Friday to talk to people higher than my customer service rep. He's been promised one more delivery in our area and he will have my order in hand and make sure mine are on the truck... he says. We'll see. He doesn't exactly have that kind of control. The only other option I have is to cancel the order, ask for a refund of the deposit - and try to find some other company.

I won't be happy about that. The buildings are really nice and I NEED them for the storage space, to get equipment under cover before the snow really flies... which most likely requires lining up extra hands.

Other than that - it's Christmas shopping season... enjoying my kitchen... doing some writing to my "self" to chart Phase 2... and hibernating.

[Twoapenny]

Aw, Skep, I love puppies!  They can just make the bleakest day seem brighter   You are so busy.  I'm glad that kids coming up has been good and that Mr Ronnie seems to have understood the situation.  I'm sorry for the situation your bro is in - very difficult when you have to sort out finances as part of a split.  I hope things get sorted as quickly as they can.  And that you find somewhere for your mum to go.  I am hearing more and more about the 'problem' of where people need to live as they age and I do kind of wish people would be a bit more open to making plans whilst they don't need care, or at least talking through what, when and where so that other people don't have to sort everything out for them.  It's certainly made me think about 'what if' for the future.  The state system just doesn't support and even with a close night, loving family (and how many of those are there?!) 24 hour or nursing care just isn't practical without professional involvement.  So I hope you and bro are able to sort something out relatively easily.  Hard situation to be in xx

[lighter]

Amber:
I'm sorry your buildings are delayed, yet again.  I don't know about metal buildings or competition, but you might find better service and comparable quality if it comes to it.  Just such a PITA, I know.
Hopefully delivery comes soon.

Can you post a pic of your kitchen updates?  I'd love to see.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'll try to get some pics posted Lighter; remind me if I forget. Running into the big city today... coming home & starting a batch of crusty yeast rolls for Thursday - laundry - hunters are here all week - and Wed Holly's driving out to pick me up for the holiday with them and Matt's family. It's an experiment on my part. Anxiety about getting lost in a big, mean, dangerous city is my biggest deterrent to getting out and being more social. Even though I used to live in the same city. Her driving me, is the workaround, for now.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE AGAIN.

Now, for the past 10 years or so... mine have been relatively "drama free". To the point that even though we do things "unconventionally", we still have a good time. The city trip means I'll be spending Thursday with people I've mostly met before - but don't know WELL. They are nice people and I'm not working myself up into a tizzy over it. It should be different from my normal stuff - but fun.

So last night - while I was really busy juggling the woodstove, the hunters, and my dinner - my mom calls. Given the ugliness happening with brother & his (hopefully very soon to be) ex-wife... despite my instinct to NOT answer, I did anyway. I really need to listen to my instincts more often - even if I regret them later. She doesn't often call at night.

She was working herself up into a panicked snit, indulging in all kinds of imaginary stuff, and mind-reading my brother... to the point of totally convincing herself that she "knows" what he is/isn't doing. She even went so far as to question whether such a thing as "no fault divorce" exists in her state - or our home state - and when I confirmed that it did, she insisted that it wasn't that way when she got divorced. I pointed out that laws can and do change in 50 years... and she wanted to argue that laws don't change.

Then came the defiant ultimatums about what she would/would not do... the excuses... the worries about her "stuff". No matter how it would complicate things for my brother, no matter who became collateral damage in the process... I could not get her to simply accept the facts of what she MUST or MUST NOT do, at this time - whether she liked it or not. She couldn't possibly understand why the wife wasn't being forced to leave the home instead of brother. Because of course - wife is the "evil one" - and in a no fault divorce, there is LEGALLY no blame, no "bad actor" to punish. I deflected, at that point... and tried to stick to concrete advice to make things bearable for her.

I didn't exactly lose my temper, but I was having to shout over her rediculousness. Till she hung up on me, basically. She "had to go now". I was advising her to get together what she needed to have, to be able to pack quickly - including her "sick cat" - because the wife is inviting her family and a lot of other people for Thanksgiving and has gotten a lot more unstable and violent with my brother and his lawyer advised him to be out of the house by Thanksgiving. It is not safe for brother or mother to be there anymore. And it isn't possible to for her to take all her "stuff" at a moment's notice. The "stuff" - honest to god - is what she cares the most about.

I need to find time to talk to brother today and at least warn him what kind of crap stew she has waiting for him. Mom SAID that brother suggested driving to my place and staying with me over the holiday... but of course, nothing like that came up when I talked to him last - and he didn't know I wasn't going to be home. I can see some triangulation starting up... in her "other world" as evidenced by her conversation. He mentioned a "someday" visit... and I explained that I have too many stairs here for my mother. (OH.... was that a subconscious choice??  :evil grin:)

Well, his job involves a lot of travel. Two weeks to find a place to rent isn't much notice. He can't leave Mother behind - because she is another of wifey's targets. I put the facts out there for her. Commiserated that it sucked, but it is what has to be done at this point. And she kept flipping back & forth between blaming brother for what she was "sure" he was thinking and doing (she doesn't know that; I got tired of repeating that) and telling me (not HIM) what she would/wouldn't do.

I stopped myself short from using the "command voice" to state that NONE of this was "all about her", like she was trying to make it, and I didn't like that she was going out of her way to make a difficult situation even more difficult for my brother. I guess she was mind-reading everyone, she might've picked that up.  :another evil grin:  I did tell her, that neither she or I are ALLOWED to have an opinion about brother's choices - it's NONE OF OUR BUSINESS - and neither of us can "tell" him what to do.

I guess she forgets that brother will be 60 next year... and has a mind of his own.

Enmeshment, projection, triangulation, blame/victim cycle, hoarding syndrome, panic/anxiety, defiant resistance, passive-aggressive.... she threw the whole stew of shit at me. And like water off a duck's back... on my side. I insisted on reality, facts, and that she is not in control. I pushed those buttons until her brain locked up. Maybe when she reboots herself, she'll be a better state... but I doubt it.

Yep, one of those communities that go from independent living to assisted living to full nursing just might be the ticket here.

(Sorry - I'm thinking out loud I guess. Still upset - rattled - by having to field this crap that isn't my problem and I don't want it to be.) Just had to vent that all out.

[lighter]

Wowsers, Amber.  Your brother better be researching retirement homes, if he isn't already.

And.....your mother likely heard nothing you said.  You may as well shout into a storm.  She's uncomfortable not knowing what's coming, and that's normal.  Nothing anyone says will make her feel better, IMO. 

If your mom had control of the situation that might help, but she doesn't. 

I do wish we could honor our instincts iimediately and without doubt. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Ai, yi, yi Amber....it sounds nightmarish, truly.

I remember being asked by my T when I'd rant about my mother's self-absorption, illogical, and especially her panicked monologues. I would respond to them with a rising spiral of panic of my own because (though I didn't get this then) what was happening in me was, if I don't succeed in reassuring and calming her, I have failed. If I don't succeed in getting her to be reasonable, I have failed. (Or, I'm a Bad Daughter.)

My T said, once I took a breath, there's another thing you could say. I go, what? He goes, "Oh my, that sounds very difficult, what are you going to do?"

You can't always stop there when it's a dependent (alas, many elders are) but it was the first time I got that I could teach myself to listen without imagining that I had to be the solution.

I am SO glad you put in steps. I think perhaps a moat and drawbridge would be nice adds...

Lighter's spot on, ime.

I'm really sorry. It's stunning that if your brother has known for a time that he has to leave the house (I didn't quite realize your mother was living with your brother and his wife) by Tgiving...that he doesn't have a plan in place for her.

Hope to god there is an assisted living apartment opening available near him right now.

Fingers crossed,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

The immediacy of the problem may require a short hotel stay. Until he can find a place to rent. Which is more than enough for him to think about right now. I took it on myself to start looking at community options for my mom, so when the topic comes up - again - I can send him some links.

No matter what is decided or what is resolved - it will clearly never suit her. The venom against my brother is out of this world. Her assumption is that what she believes is what is really going on - and that she is, by nature of being her - "right" about it all - despite me saying: you can't possibly know that.

No matter the substance of what is going around her and how intensely it may affect others - it's always been all about her. And she believes she's in control, btw.

Pffffft. It's not like he can take time off from his job - he has scheduled track meets to chaperone, etc - until this week. And he's only had 2 weeks to try to resolve the "place to rent" problem, while still working 60-70 hr weeks and being sleep deprived. All he wants is a couple days peace & quiet to be able to think straight.

I think separate hotel rooms would make sense. 

Driving to town & back settled my brain down a good bit. She's trying to make all this my problem - and then it would get to be my turn for being the target of her venom. BTDT and have the t-shirt. Best thing I can do is still support my brother without telling him what to do - I can suggest options, leaving decisions up to him. Tell him I think he's doing a good job with the mess he's got on his hands. And do that legwork on places where mom can be on her own - but with help at hand, if needed - since brother will still be traveling a lot for the near future. He doesn't need to hear any more grief from anyone else about his choices and the reality he's facinig.

[Hopalong]

You're such a caring sister.
That research and those links will be an enormous help for him.

Venom. Ugh. Belongs to her and nope, you don't have to hold out a hand for her to bite.

I think you're right it will make no difference what you say or have said. If she's full-tilt N, and sounds like she is...your intelligence, sense of fairness, and willingness to live in an evidence-based reality are all just drops of water on the umbrella of her self-absorption. She lives in a cloud of self.

(Now there's an overworked metaphor for ya...)

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL. We probably shouldn't overwork the metaphors - they might not be up to the task when we really need them. LOL.

Here's a fun but horrifying factoid, for ya. My boundary-pushing flirtatious buddy Ronnie... is only a year older than Holly. (There is a tiny judgemental victorian crone jumping up & down in my brain screaming "what were you thinking?!" LOL  or maybe it's frowning Mammy from Gone with the Wind, muttering "It ain't fittin' ".) I am still digesting this.

Holly has always proudly introduced me to her friends. I'm usually embarrassed by how she shows me off. Feel like a pet unicorn trotted out to amaze her friends. But her friends are truly interesting people too. And over the years, I have gotten fond of some of them. Yes, she put out the word I'd be in the city for the holiday... and a few people will drop by to say hi to me. It's strange, and weird and wonderful in some undefinable way.

So in that context, looking at the confusion with Ronnie, I can kinda see how I would let myself drift away into some la-la land fantasy - irregardless of age - because of the flirting, his constant offers of assistance (and my real need for some), and the fact that we do connect over this particular little corner of the planet. I'm gonna have to conclude that it's possible I completely misjudged his motivation - even though there's no mistaking some of the words out of his mouth or the way I feel in response.

The other day I asked him if his wife doesn't like to hunt. He said she was planning on being here with the guys today. I'll be keeping an eye out, to beg an introduction. I think that's one of the safer paths to proceed on. Even though, I think perhaps I can keep a tight enough rein on my fantasy-imagination to allow Ronnie and I place to "play" and flirt a little bit... and not be in danger of going any further than that.

Went to the big city over the mountain yesterday to take care of banking and make another Costco run. It was crowded, I got a lucky parking space, and had a list - I didn't want to spend all day gawking at stuff or making an impulse buy. And yet... there were a couple times my "radar" picked up the proximity of a "being of interest" near me. One was at least 6'6" and as white-haired as I am. Well put together, especially the rear view...

... and given how calendar dates shift... today - Tuesday - is the day two years ago that Mike passed. I'm pretty sure that even though we were so close for all those years, he would encourage me to find someone else to be in a relationship with. (That seemed to be a mutual understanding between us.) That ain't going to happen unless I get off the farm more often.

I remembered the day this morning - just like our anniversary in Sept - but not grieving over it. I am noticing the "space" that exists, more often though. Even though I'm letting myself spread out into that space... there is still room for another person. But I'm not aggressively shopping - I still have plenty of things I want to do that keep me busy - and Holly's turning out to be a useless matchmaker.

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I'm sorry to read that it's Mike's anniversary, and sorry to read that your mum is being so exhausting.  Well done to you for holding your ground and keeping it out of your space.  That refusal to deal with what needs to be done, to find a million ways to blame everyone else (and therefore make it their problem to sort out) and that need to argue and be right, rather than trying to find a way through or just asking for advice (or a specific request - I need to look for somewhere - can you help me?) is just soooo tiring and is like reading about my mum!

One incident with her (which makes me laugh when I think about it because it really shows the craziness of the situation) was a time, many years ago, when we were watching TV and Madonna had just released a cover version of Don McLean's 'American Pie'.  I commented that I preferred the original and my mum started to argue with me about that - essentially her feeling was that, as I wasn't alive when Don McLean released the original, I had no right to like it and would have to like 'my generation's' version instead.  Lol.

I hope your mum gets sorted without driving everyone round the bend and I like the sound of the well built, white haired man in Costco xx

[lighter]

Well, Amber, your mother likely knows you want or need everyone to be ok.  Drawing you into this as fixer, if she can, is to be expected I suppose.

About rental situations for your brother, my sis found a site called Hot pads.  You plug in your particulars, and get ready for available options to flood your inbox.  It's lovely when you're under the gun, and need to move quickly, IME. 

A furnished short term option might be necessary or helpful at this short date.

As for the make interest at Costco....
Drink deeply, my friend.  And maybe dance.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter - I do believe you're right about my "need" to have everything be OK, and how that fits so neatly into this "game". I don't know if I've seen that before - or forgot it. Guess the "lesson" didn't take so well if I did forget.

[lighter]

I think we have to learn it over and over till we're able to listen to loved ones complain without trying to fix anything for them.

I do it too.

Maybe if we train ourselves to automatically respond with a question....
"What are your options?"

Then we can do the "Gosh, that sounds difficult," thing as they respond with options, rather than us telling them what their options are, kwim?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, that works OK with some people Lighter. However, my mom escalates & runs her circle of self-reinforcing panic, obstinacy, victim-hood, hopelessness and there is NO HEARING of anything else.

I wonder how many times we have felt voiceless, simply because someone isn't capable of HEARING anything else, except the negative feedback loop in their own head?

The other thing she's trying to create... is a deja vu of her own divorce/experience from that time Twiggy had a really bad day. As if she could somehow make things different this time -- doing exactly the same things, as before. As if this was HER divorce all over again. (Yeah, that's the classic Einstein definition of insanity, isn't it?)

I do recognize the PTSD markers in it too. But instead of trying to be and do things differently - so as to avoid a "reliving" of the experience - she seems laser-focused on helping re-create it. And THAT is precisely what I was trying to interrupt in her.

I heard a bit of news from the shop yesterday, that leads me to believe my brother has found a solution that will work temporarily for both of them. Not perfectly mind you... but good enough for the time being. I'm staying incommunicado because he's likely very busy and is taking the brunt of my mom's panicked desperation. He'll call me, if he needs to vent. I may text him later today, just to check in and see if he's OK.

Nope, not even the golden child is good enough for her. And he just laughs at her insanity - which infuriates her.

Another country/asylum heard from... the oldest D is going through another spate of problems & self-created dilemmas. Holly and I both believe that she's better than she was... but that's still not saying much... and we're both prepared to hear that there is another crisis again from her.

Yep, I think I like being well hidden back up a dirt road among the hills & hollows & trees. LOL.

[Hopalong]

Heck, yeah. I'm surprised you didn't move to the moon.

Your mother's thinking and behavior is wrong, wrong, wrong. And incurable, unchangeable, and exhausting.

Best you can do, imo, is to stop caring that she's wrong, and just deal with whatever about her you absolutely can't avoid like you would with really unpleasant weather.

It will never, ever matter to her that you are right. When it stops mattering to you, there'll be more peace.

(Like, do I know how to remain untriggered? No. But I still get that it's the goal!)

Hugs
Hops