Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
sKePTiKal:
Mio-mio is better. Uses the box to pee in - I'm still finding "presents" other places, but sometimes she'll even put them in the box. She's been confined to my bedroom most of the week, because the contractors have been in/out - and of course taking out a window or door and there's no way to keep her in the house, otherwise. Queenie is settling in - and has been adopted by the painters while they're here. She's been on flea/tick stuff this summer and just got her first dose of wormer. THEN, when it turns cold and the contractors are done - I'll try introducing her into the house.
I'm still having "Michael dedication music nights" - about once a month. Last night was another. It's kind of amazing how fresh the grief stays. But I just dive right into it now... wallow till it's time for bed... and get up the next day and go on. It seems to work out OK to do this - and kinda feels like I'm taking care of my self in the process. Not that I'm fit for human company during those times, mind you. I know I'm definitely open to another relationship some time down the road - but I'm not actively "looking" either.
I did sign up for Our Time - the over 50 online dating service - and so far, haven't seen any reason to subscribe. LOL. I don't have any interest in dealing with most of the kinds of guys I see "looking". Kinda seems like shopping in a thrift store, of old worn-out clothes that I have wonder where that shirt or pair of pants have been... and not sure I even want to touch it! LOL. Maybe it's kinda like grandkids, too - I enjoy them when they're around - and am really relieved to give them back. I have set Holly to keeping an eye out in the city for me, too. I'm not sure we really have the same taste in men - but she's got a pretty good idea of what I might find interesting.
I'll be getting out more and doing things again, when these projects are done. The long list of essentials (to my way of thinking) has provided a reason (or excuse) for me to take my time processing the grief and practicing interacting with guys again. A big part of that practice - is simply just getting to know ME and how I respond to different guys; what I find interesting or attractive or reliable in them. I don't if there are any guys (my age) who might entertain a more casual relationship than "going steady". They all seem to want mommys, housekeepers and nurses... and I've done my share of that in relationships. Not attractive to me anymore. So, I'm kind of my own worst enemy at this "dating project".
With Ronnie around - and his crew of younger guys that are all willing to help out around here for the place to stay during hunting season (and some of my improvements in that area are for them too)... I think it's do-able to try what I want to do here, by myself. His brother was here this morning with the backhoe, and build a shale pad for my little shed -- and fixed up the road into the "huntin ground" too. He said to call him if I need help with anything and Ronnie's not around. It seems like a good deal to me... I might have to throw in some breakfast and cold "beverages" once in a while. And I keep an eye on the wildlife for 'em.
sKePTiKal:
Checking into Tupp's thread, I realized how seldom I actually experience guilt these days. It's kinda like losing 200 lbs. Guilt pulls in - like some kind of black hole - all kinds of other mixed up, homogenized emotions too. I used to put it on in the mornings, like my underwear. It was constantly with me.
I wonder when that happened? :shock:
I don't think I really worked at trying to get rid of it. I didn't even spend a lot of time over-analyzing it, like normal. Only way I think it's explainable, right now... is that coping with my grief about Mike helped untangle all my emotions into those separate threads of yarn. So I could now point out each one individually, they have their own distinct colors and flavors. Yeah, it took a lot of TIME. Time processing the feelings - by just feeling them. While I kept busy with other things.
The other thing that helped maybe - was putting myself on the "right path" for me. In my location, activities, and giving myself a great big corner of these hills to create my own "country"... things the way I envision them, that I tend, nurture, improve, and help become an oasis of tranquility. I have been given full "command authority" here (from my doc friend) to "make it so". And that seems to be affecting me in some really positive ways. Only now, just noticing.
I'm making more intuitive decisions - and have stopped second-guessing myself at every step of the way. I no longer worry if I've expressed myself in "an acceptable fashion" - or if what I'm expressing is socially acceptable or politically correct. I just AM, me, warts & all.
HUH. Who'd a thunk it? I guess I don't need to know HOW it happened, but I sure am glad it did.
lighter:
Amber:
I was thinking today about getting out of one's own way, and what that means.
Putting down the worry, for me...
you put down guilt, Amber....
let's call it whatever negative stuff we're carrying... if we can put it down, we free ourselves to pick up other things, IME.
My step father always said never to pick up anything when your hands are full, and I think about that a lot.
Worry was a habit for me. Part of my identity, and who would I be without it, right?
It's nice to find out.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Since the contractors have been gone, I'm finally slowing down to MY pace again. Room to breathe, relax, think, process, design/plan. Sleep! ;)
There is a direct positive feedback loop, between getting things done to put the place in order; beef it up for the coming winter; do the maintenance that keeps it secure from the elements... and all my interior sorting and processing.
I can tell when I've finally caught up on my sleep. I'm not greedily falling back asleep to get 8-9 hrs anymore... after 7 or so, I'm already fully conscious and starting to get "moving" again. I do seem real connected to the sun - up with it, and winding down with it - and that seems to be the best schedule for me to keep. Fewer aches & pains, and difficulties with facing the "list" and choosing which of the things seems most important. I only write them down because it doesn't take much for me to get distracted by something and go off in a completely different direction for one reason or another.
The "list" involves my participation in the things the place needs, the nurturing it wants to become what it has the potential to be. We're still in the early days in that process. That will need another winter of just "looking" and "seeing"... "hearing". Most of my tasks are indoors now. I still need to mow again and trim out some shrubby trees... get the weeds down. There are some more purchases required - equipment to help me be capable of doing what's needed by myself without hollaring for some help; some new furniture to provide storage that will fit in my space; serve my purposes... and still a good-sized pile of things to "get rid of".
Time to indulge in taking care of me, too. I need a haircut and the usual round of appts to get new glasses, a new dentist, doc... etc. Some warmer work clothes... new boots (hey, I've been slacking! I don't even have a dozen pair right now!!! LOL)
Summer stuff is on sale right now and I've been thinking a lot about my "outdoor living room" - the front porch. Contractors have left me the materials that were left over; I've got better than 1/2 roll of the fencing they using on the deck railings... and I have plans to build a few things with that.
The traditional tai chi form starts at section I, in January. I think they're only offering this at night - which doesn't work for me anymore. So either I suck it up and go anyway - which means driving back over the mountain at night thru whatever weather; or I figure out something else. It will be almost full dark an hour before the class starts by then... so I'd be night-driving both ways. An hour each way. We'll figure something out. Always do.
Hopalong:
...barter for a ride to class? Younger member with wheels?
I like Tai Chi. It's been started up at my church but I haven't gone yet.
Kudos on your energy, drive, and list-discipline, PR....so much I could learn.
xo
Hops
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