Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
sKePTiKal:
Dang it's cold out there! If the wind would stop, it might help. I picked up some cold bug but started treating it immediately, so it wasn't bad.
Meanwhile, I've been so busy around here I'm kinda stressing myself out. Had a pallet of insulation delivered (for the floor joists over the garage) on Monday, after dark. Driver helped me haul them inside. They're just piled up against a door for now - but even that much helps.
I told beach house realtor I was ready to beat the bushes and deal - just to get that responsibility off my plate. So he approached one of the first lookers from the past year - a slimy car dealer - who is making the process rediculously "fraught" with his BS. But, we've got him where we want him for the moment. So I'm letting the realtor - and everyone who's circling the wagons around me - do their thing. I trust John and he's aware of what he's dealing with.
The FOO crap continues. Lighter - your comment about my compulsion to fix things has been sooooo helpful. It goes back to the whole thing where I parented not just my brother - but had to do the same for my mom too. That all started back when she was hospitalized for a nervous breakdown*, after my gramma (her mom) died. I was in 2nd grade. Of course, that role reversal is heightened now that she's 84 - going on 85. My bro is in denial (somewhat) about her ability to live independently.
So, I only volunteered to find a good transition to assisted living situation for her. And I will pay half, if the beach house really does close, the end of January. I KNOW she's going to complain about everything, to everyone... and I KNOW that both my bro & I will be in the doghouse with her, probably for the rest of her life. And I KNOW, that she's going to be happier having her very own space with a community of brand new people to complain to, and criticize and even do some things with. Even though what she really wants is for my bro & I to buy her her own house. At her age? Really??
Boundaries are my friend in this situation, as are y'all. Meanwhile... she's complaining again that whenever she picks up the phone to call me - I don't answer. I have things I have to DO. My job isn't to be picking up the phone and listening to her broken record of the same complaints over & over again... whenever she wants to do this... for an hour or more. I don't have that kind of time in my schedule some days. No; she doesn't get that at all. She gets mad at me instead.
I hope she likes being mad. :evil grin:
* almost forgot - I was "told" it was a nervous breakdown; I suspect it was clinical depression or worse. She never was herself, after that - and started having Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde episodes when she got home. Even complete personality changes where she didn't remember a thing from "before" she flipped.
This was why I had to pay bills, sign her name to my notes for school - to go on field trips, because I was out sick, etc. I took care of my brother, helped him with homework - fed him, made our lunches - cleaned house, did laundry... all after Twiggy's trauma. Because there effectively WAS no other parent in the household.
I think I remembered all this in time to keep myself from getting "involved" in the drama again. It was a close call, however.
lighter:
Amber, you've done your time in the parenting barrel, regarding your mother and brother. It's ok to step out, and let that go now, IMO. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. There will be guilt, perhaps some panic, as you learn to put that piece away.
What an amazing child you were. So strong, and so very devoted. It's ok to parent yourself, only, now. It's your turn, (((Amber)))
Breath.
Accept.
Embrace the new jobs.
Watch old habits go by without taking action.
:: Nodding::.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I am still struggling with the feelings of ALMOST getting sucked into the drama mill again. To the point that despite not feeling up to doing much this week, I haven't been able to go find those websites for assisted living again - resistance is mine, sayeth the inner child! LOL.
I realize boundaries are my best friend here. Even when my mom is trampling down everyone else's boundaries, eliciting anger from me... I know where mine are. And I'm dug in like the French Foreign Legion. I have the functional stuff down OK.
But the emotional toll is still there. It's all due to what I'm calling the "No good deed goes unpunished" rule, to wit:
At 84, and multiple health issues, I am still able to "hope" that my mom has at least learned the ability to make common sense decisions for herself. Yes, she's still able to putter around her bit of yard and constantly sort through her "stuff"... and is making lots of quilts & fleece blankets. She still drives. But she's 84, fer cryin' loud! Had a quadruple bypass, her sugar is always iffy, the bout of serious C. Diff she had, left her with colitis... and she has frequent kidney stones. She thinks she needs to eat completely different diets for all these things - despite what I've told her about just eating healthy, dropping the starches/carbs and eating reasonable portions. My brother says there is simply NO PLACE TO SIT in mother's little house.
So an assisted living apartment isn't going to seem small, but I guarantee you she'll pile her stuff around her again. And I'm not sure they'll allow that. I can see her getting kicked out.
Hope - not fear - is the mind-killer. Hoping for any change is madness. Yet, I can now talk to my brother without encountering the same old passive-aggressive stuff that was my main experience of him. Now, at 60 - he still has to have some normal life-things explained to him, that most of us know through experience. He's not experienced them. In his own way, he's piled his "stuff" around him - his work - just as high as my mom has her stuff. He hasn't really "lived" outside of the higher ed/coaching world. Normal banking & retirement stuff. He didn't even know what amount our dividends are a month when I spoke with him last... they are automatically deposited into a brokerage account and those funds are invested for him. I'm not sure he can read the statements and understand them.
I want so much for "connection"... that easy, relaxed, "we know each other" interaction, that just like Charlie Brown, I keep falling for Lucy's football trick. So I KNOW what's happening with me... it's just sad, frustrating, confusing, depressing and even anger-generating... to go through it YET AGAIN.
Sooooooo... my Christmas shopping is done. Now I get to wrap presents. My buildings are finally here, and the big barn looks almost closed in. They'll be here tomorrow yet, to finish the little shed. I've been getting frequent updates from Holly on her sail to St. Augustine. She'll be offshore for about the next 48 hrs and isn't sure she'll have service - and with just the 2 of them - one person is always on watch. I invited Ronnie & his wife to Holly's birthday party on the 6th. He says she probably won't come. (Or he won't tell her, so he can party too?? LOL... Dunno. I still need to throw myself into devious plans... maybe this requires a phone call to Matt or Autumn... for ideas. It's more fun if there are "secrets" and secret plans involved.)
I WILL have a life that isn't drowned under all that drama-ocean. I said so.
lighter:
Amber:
Maybe it's easier to shift away from worry if we realize there's zero payoff for our efforts. Only waste and loss to be had. Is that something we can make peace with as time keeps ticking away?
I hope not.
Get mad. You have better things to do with your time than repeat patterns that accomplish nothing, IME. Putting heavy nonsensical habits down can feel light as a feather if we learn to laugh at the guilt and worry. Thumb your nose at it as it comes up, and let it go by.
Lighter
Hopalong:
I'm so sorry about the mama-drama, Amber.
One of my elders is JUST like that with the stuff. Obsessive, burning up her last months or year with endless fussing over her stuff, spraying clothes and clutter all over her little apartment. I just pick up stuff and put it on her bed and leave her to it. She's too far gone mentally for me to organize her (because she also is in denial).
But I wouldn't worry about what assisted living will "allow." If the place has progressive levels of care and includes a memory unit, they'll manage fine. They're used to this kind of behavior. I DO worry that you'll hope that she doesn't physically last long. The old woman I mentioned has one failing kidney and a bad heart, and lives on and on and on. Two crises in the ER when I began working for her...
I remember mentally saying goodbye to my mother about 6 times. Ambulances, falls, infections, demented raving with a migraine-cum-stroke. Then home again, to clutch the remnants of her routines with a ferocity I couldn't comprehend. Such is the life force...for those we may like as well as those we don't.
Glad you're protecting yourself and hope you can ... let go of the outcome. It sounds extremely frustrating.
Wow, you invited Ronnie to a family party that's about your daughter. Intimate just because it's about family ... that's a huge step closer inside your inner circle. Is that pull of temptation still worth the risks?
Not judging, feet of clay here, just a bit worried for you.
hug,
Hops
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