Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
sKePTiKal:
Nope, not that intimate Hops... my friend Debbie will be here, and Holly wants to invite some of her friends too. Ronnie and I started from the beginning, with him being close to the "inner circle" because I really needed someone to rely on. And he has gradually given me more space over time to do "my thing" the way I want to do it. His real interest is in having access to the new acreage to spend time hunting, getting away "from it all", and so his offers of help and ideas/suggestions are in return for that privilege. He is a good person to bounce some of my ideas for this place, off of.
I'm owning the confusion about the possibility of any more than that, with Ronnie, because after long reflection (and much discussion and pondering over the latest "sensational" news about "harassment" and how that's defined) I've settled on the idea that there are some types of guys who are just playful, protective, and if they're not encouraged - will just go their own way - it's like a "mannerism", their outward personality. The feelings I feel are mine; I know why they're active when Ronnie is around now and I can set a boundary for myself.
For contrast/comparison, Holly has an old friend, who for all intents & purposes, would seem to not be her type at ALL - Danny. He is a military lawyer; extremely cosmopolitan; travels a great deal and has suave & debonair down to an art. (Think: Sean Connery as Bond.) His voice is perfect for the Sinatra he sings at karaoke. Again, about the same age group. And he flirts with EVERYONE - and I'm one of his favorite targets. It's total flattery and there is nothing serious to it at all - but there is that same "singling out for attention", being sweet and "interested", protective and looking out for "his girls". Different types of guys - but the same outward guy characteristics.
It's my neediness that can get the better of me - that need for connection at a deep level, particularly with a guy. Not that I would throw independence away for the connection; I'll always be fiercely independent. (Even aggressively so; another primal aspect of me.) EVEN in a relationship; Mike could tell you tales about that, if he were still around. And that confuses some guys who are expecting to dominate me - thinking that's what a relationship is - a "transaction" where women trade away their independence/freedom for security & protection. Some can be taught the reality; some can't.
For me, a relationship is a whole different animal than a "transaction". LOL. I wonder if words exist, sometimes, to define that in a way that others (including my left brain) can understand?
I'd be doing wrong to take either of them seriously and "expect" more from them than was really being offered - despite the flirty, playful, and very masculine strength & protection on display. It sure is attractive though! Gets my attention, since I'm built to connect with that kind of guy. Key/lock kind of thing.
Hopalong:
I hear you about the attractiveness and the vibe, Amber. You know yourself well and if anyone's thinking hard and paying attention, it's you. Sounds like you are going to keep your attraction to Mr. R. harmless. And you're right, private thoughts are just that. One idea might be to call Mrs. R yourself and invite her directly. That makes it a transparent, positive situation whether she can attend or not. And respecting her existence that way would send a signal, not incite/abet Mr. R's drift into disloyalty. (I'm projecting; in your shoes would be paranoid about deceiving myself as I once did.) Dang. There must be a SINGLE manly man in the area! You deserve one who's as delicious as you like and honestly available. Fingers crossed.
I tend to squirm under protectiveness but that's because in my experience, it can morph into paternalism. When I have a specific situation where protectiveness is wanted I accept it gratefully; as a continuing aura it makes me itch. But one woman's manliness is another's mansplaining and we all have different tolerances for different things. After all, you chose WV -- not AK! (I'm obsessed with Life Below Zero-type shows. The manhood of subsistence hunters is, errr... very clear.)
Thanks much for the insights on my Heist thread, I'll pick up on that over there.
The birthday party sounds like a very happy thing! So glad there'll be people and food and laughter filling your mountain home. Yay. Happies to ya!
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
It seems I've found my professorial pontificating mode again. LOL. Sorry for that long blob on your thread Hops... maybe you'll get some gleanings out of it that are helpful.
Yes it's early am... and yes the coffee's almost gone. This is THE best time for me to think, sort and nudge my feelings about things to move along... when I'm starting to get stuck. It was always the time when inspiration struck after an all-nighter while painting, too. Now, I prefer to sleep in the dark and work in natural daylight.
Everyone will be glad to know: both buildings have arrived; are UP; and now I can move stuff into them AT MY LEISURE. I won't be complaining about the delay anymore. LOL. Both the beach house and little cabin are set to close on Jan 26th - barring complications there.
It's been a productive year. LOL. I had to make a promise to myself to not think of anymore projects for at least 3 months. I might even throw in a quick beach vacation in the spring, too.
I'll need to piddle around with stuff in the garage/studio building and decide what MIGHT be necessary to make that place more functional for me, make the list and then prioritize. The house isn't quite "done" yet - I want to replace the carpet downstairs with an easy to care for commercial vinyl laminate - simulating barnwood planks, I think. And I need shelves, cabinets & bookcases up and down... the bunkroom "solution" still hasn't popped into my head (I can sleep 4 there now... but the room is awkward). The hanging lamps in the main living space need to be replaced - the living room one has all but two candelabra bulbs burnt out and it's so high in the air that even my contractors were iffy about dumping out the bugs and bat that were in the bottom of the open, pointing up bell globe. I'm going to be seeing a lot of my electrician next year - to replace those lamps, get power to the garden barn, and PROBABLY do some work in the garage.
And there are gardens to get started. But these finishing touches and "phase 2" projects are less essential to function and energy efficiency (except possibly windows/doors in the studio building). They are less time sensitive too... and can get done when they get done. There is all the new land too. And my engineering friend has encouraged me to just spend time on it - looking; survey the features and trees and plants - and doing nothing for the time being. Because it's always harder & more expensive to "undo" things that are "wrong" for the area. And that suits me just fine I think.
I have very clear, bright line boundaries on the FOO situation - and what I'm willing to do to "help". And what I WON'T do anymore, because it's such a trigger for me. That mostly relates to my mother. And it is, what it is - I'm tired of pretending to have a relationship, when it's this costly to me.
As for Mr. Right... LOL. I'm not holding my breath. Yeah, he's probably out there somewhere. I might even run into him someday. And I might be more open to having a "playmate"... someone to have fun with and a trusting relationship... without all the traditional stuff involved that complicates things for people my age. I'm still thinking about that.... seeing how it "sits". Wondering if I have the courage to take on another marriage at this age - KNOWING what comes with age and how it complicates life legally - and yet, is pretty much what I'm built to do. I've been in that kind of relationship, pretty all the time since 1975. This is different; it's not BAD at ALL. And I get to see the difference between true "lonely" and "seeking acknowledgement/validation/connection" loud & clear.
The sky is red this morning. So, rain coming. But it's going to be a lot warmer today; almost 50 and in that range for the next week. That's going to help a lot. I have so many "little things" to do that got shuffled to the back of the line, bottom of the list while working on the big stuff this year.
And shopping to do for me/the house.
sKePTiKal:
Me again.
I'm kinda giving my big brothers a break from listening to my "out loud" mental processing. I'm nowhere near "planning" or "prioritizing" or even ideas for "phase 2" around the farm. I want to DUST; vacumn up the stink bugs & ladybugs... maybe re-arrange some furniture... clear out some more floor space - find a place for the things I'm keep "to live". Sometimes that's going to involve shifting things from one building to another. Recycling yet more cardboard from boxes I empty out and decide what to do with the crap inside.
Making a trip to the little cabin to finish cleaning it out.
But I'm mostly feeling like a cabbage; I just want to sit and vegetate. For now. No pressure; no lists; no choices/decisions... just drift... breathe... do a lot of "nothing" for a change.
Going "over the mountain" to drop off more salvation army donations of clothes I don't wear and some more of 3 kitchens worth of stuff. Getting the cherokee inspected - and maybe an appt for better tires for my new environment.
Sleeping good; I'm working my way through the original episodes/seasons of Twilight Zone in the evenings instead of making a flailing desperate effort to connect with "anyone who's out there" in internet land. Reading. Just breathing.
Trying to find some fun, sick & twisted ideas for Holly's 40th birthday party. Which is directly opposed to the "come as you are" and totally relaxed day I have in mind. A strange mix of people who probably have nothing in common with each other - except for Holly - LOL. And this is going to entail cleaning up the studio some more. (Good beneficial side effect.)
Twoapenny:
You always sound so busy, Skep, do you have some chores that you find more fun that others? I love re-arranging furniture and clearing out cupboards and sheds; posting loads of items on Freecycle and giving bags of stuff away to the charity shop always makes me feel much better. I work better when I've got plenty of time. If I've only got an hour and I have to prioritise I always feel that the job's not done.
The birthday party sounds like fun! Have you had any ideas you can share with us? xx
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