I just did a terrible thing.... help

[sea storm]

I just wrote an email to a man I used to know a long time ago. He was up for an academy award for the screenplay to Money Monster.  In my insanity I  watched the movie Moneyball and thought it was brilliant. I wrote him a message saying that I thought he had written a masterpiece but it was not the right movie that I was referring to.
He thought I was psychologically kicking him in the shins in previous conversations years ago. Like when he said that he thought Hemingway was a great writer and I said ... Oh I guess he was alright for someone who typed standing up. This guy really bugged me because he idolized my husband and they were in some king of man love. Deeply.

So i wrote a message praising him and then pulled the rug out from under him by saying oh whoops I thought you wrote a screen play that I liked and then it was the wrong one. I am insane and my dark side just jumped out of the closet. Then I went on to say oh by the way.  The last thing he said to me was  I really love the guy. This really bugged me and I said that introducing him to cocaine wasn't love and setting him up with a sixteen year old wasn't love and where are you now that he is ruined? 

I am so far from being perfect and I don't know where that came from. I don't hate that guy but  I really verbally kicked him in the shins again. Oh f.....k.  All that was from a time when his friends thought I had nothing to say and was very quiet. Nevertheless. If I take my emotional well being temperature it is extremely feverish. I know you all are very understanding and I can be a hag sometimes. Once in a while it is ok to be called on one's bullshit and this is a time I deserve it. There is safety in sending a private message but I sort of went to far. It was what I consider the truth but I put it in a bizarrely wicked package.

I apologized to him about he movie mix up but not the other stuff. On top of all that he used the marriage between my ex and me in his ongoing tv series. I found out that my rich ex hired a big time lawyer to try to get full custody but the lawyer told him he shouldn't go ahead because of his nefarious dealings. It could not stand up to scrutiny. So it was good to know but such a weird way to find out.

I sound pretty crazy but this is true.

Sea
Ps they are both narcissists and they got off on the excitement of their illegal activities.



 

[Hopalong]

I don't think you sound crazy. Really.

You stepped over an inner line, you were not okay with that, and you made appropriate apology for the part of your message that came from the a part of you you normally restrain. (We ALL have dark sides and wrong parts. And certain stresses --especially in family-- can blast them out of the coop in anyone.)

You apologized, while also maintaining your truth. Pretty true observations, I think.

I'm not sure why you feel so guilty, unless it's because the feelings you're weathering right now resemble bitterness?

If that's it, please don't judge yourself. Hurt can go in a lot of different directions sometimes, and really deep hurts can temporarily twist us out of shape. Dark-hurt is not WHO you are and it's not WHERE you'll be living. You're just weathering a really hard patch right now.

Maybe don't demand of yourself that you be perfect spiritual Sea, and acknowledge that every now and then, Buddha said something shitty to someone. Then he got back to his boring life under the tree.

love to you,
Hops

[sea storm]

Well Thank God for Hopsy. I will read what you say over and over. This would make a good short story with peoples lives interweaving in strange ways over time.
I think I jumped into this never neverland because my ex husband, charismatic genius , part time crook and father of our child is dying. There is no escaping the past even though i try to be in the present moment etc. Try telling that to Katherine in Wuthering Heights. Or some character from Tess of the Durbervilles. One event or a short series of events can have a paralysing effect on the outcome of the whole thing. It is a worm from the past that I have to deal with . I have love it and tried to smash it and walked away in a huff, screamed and cried and it is Still THERE.

It really did pop out of subconscious and I stoked a very old fire. I feel bad for trying to shame this guy. I doubt he is any great searcher for truth and would want to explore it. Hardly anybody wants to do that but maybe I should gestalt myself and pretend i am him and he is me. That sort of thing.

Very funny about Buddha. Watch out for thunderbolts dear Hops. Very funny though.
I am so not perfect spiritual Sea and always thought I come across as the barbarian on this site. I would like to be accepted and all that especially because the people here are so caring and smart and psychologically astute but I am heavy booted sometimes. Not as bad as today though.

I think that guy had an affair with my husband and it was a big one. Maybe I am crazy though. If it wasn't overt, it sure was covert. It is hard to cross that line and it really rocks my world and no one is going to be honest with me about it. Really is alternate nostril breathing time. Like in those books where a secret takes a lifetime to be revealed but the secret  slowly destroys those involved.

THINGS CAN GO OPERATIC SO FAST SOMETIMES.

[Twoapenny]

Sea, Hops always says what I think but in a much better way than I think it so I echo everything she says

I've not seen you be a barbarian on this site, quite the opposite, in fact.  The things you've written to me over time have been thoughtful, considerate, loving and helpful.  I know years of my mum left me with a very negative view of myself and it's taken me a long time of being around good people to see my good aspects as well.  So perhaps your self view is a little skewed and you see yourself more harshly than you really are?  I certainly don't see you in the way you describe xx

And with regards to not being too nice to that guy, I have found over the years that people who have hurt me in some way unleash some sort of devil in me.  Someone invited me to a party over Christmas.  I accepted and then found myself thinking about times they've let me down and found myself hatching a plan to simply not bother to turn up to their party.  That isn't me, I'm the one that will only not go if there's a flood or I'm in hospital.  But those old hurts unleash 'Tup who will get her revenge' and I don't want her out and about too much.

Give yourself a hug, Sea.  You're a good egg, you've apologised to your man there (and in my experience the thick skinned Ns among us don't even notice these slights or if they do they attribute them to the other person rather than themselves), you're not a bad person.  Time for Sea to be nice to Sea, I think xx

[sKePTiKal]

My two cents...

"warts & all" means just that Sea. The dark side too. The things we WISH we weren't capable of, but have evidence that we are. If we are to fully accept ourselves - and learn to love ourselves in healthy ways - we have to include the dark side.

There is no profit or nirvana available for smashing those parts of us into oblivion. They don't go away EVER. They are part of who we are. And they aren't evil, negative, things to abhor - they are the necessary parts of us that used correctly, and only in those rare - very rare - circumstances when it's a life/death situation, keeps us alive.

It can be mortifying however - if while we're trying repress and hide and deny this part of ourselves - that it jumps out unbidden at inappropriate times. BTDT myself. I believe that the more we try to deny this part of our selves, the more it seeks the expression of it's desires.

Back way before I had any inkling of just what I'd survived, I went steady with a very intelligent, charming N of a boyfriend. I was 16 when the jerk decided to break up with me at his brother's wedding. I was totally shattered - again - and didn't start to come back up for air & sunshine for about a year after. It didn't help at all that his pastor father tried to say there something wrong with ME, that I took his son's tacky & tasteless timing so hard. Poor naive girl - at least he was right about that.

Since then, other friends (male & female) in that group from that time have related THEIR stories about him too. To say I hold a grudge against him is an understatement. The thought of castrating him on sight is just totally associated with all my memories of that time. Does that make me a bad person? Not to anyone in his former circle of friends who have had the same and worse done to them, that's for sure. He sure spread the hurt and broken hearts around - and laughed at people's reactions.

So, I don't judge that you did a "bad thing" Sea. I think you acknowledged old hurts and feelings that still exist - and expressed them in a meaningful way to the right person. It might be embarrassing for awhile - but the next time you encounter a person/situation like that - this part of you will engage sooner and defend you from the kinds of hurts that take a long time to heal. And probably not so dramatically. LOL.

[sea storm]

Wow.  thankyou for your kind and deep thoughts that are so helpful.
Yep that dark side is a well of information both good and destructive .  My fears live there and at a primitive level of kill or be killed in an adrenaline fueled unconscious way. I am shaking just thinking about what went on with my ex and his big man crushes.  These crushes would result in some big adventure that left me out. I am able to see this now. He would be gone for weeks and didn't really miss me and with no explanation. Or we would spend huge amounts of time living around or with the latest wonderful guy. I don't think that is normal. At least it was not good for me.

Since my ex is not well and looking into the abyss I think, I am reliving my life with him. This has a life of its own and grief is like that. Someone said being in grief is like being thrown around as a dinosaur has you in its mouth, whipping you around. It is also trying to integrate my time with a narcissist. Twelve years is a long time to be in sphere of a narcissistic mate. I have spent years and years trying to understand narcissists and their impact on the people around them. The books and articles are really helpful but the emotional and psychological damage is barely touched by that knowledge.  Every narcissist is unique in their disorder. Some are blundering, bombastic, self centred idiots like Trump but some have much more finesse and even a kind of peacock beauty. Some are brilliant, charismatic, funny and attractive with stunning courage and bravado.  None of them are safe for me. Or anyone else. My mind insists on trying to make sense of behaviour that was cruel, thoughtless and selfish. I wish I would stop it. Something will trigger it and I get obsessed with HOW could he do that to me. Just throw me away.  And then I see that he fell in love with several people and he got them to fall madly in love with him too, male and female.  Well, who cares, its none of my business, leave it alone, hang on to the good people, walk dont wobble.
Nevertheless, I dragged up a big old hurt and went after it like a banshee.
If I imagine something good coming from it,, it would be that I would finally get honest answers to what happened between those two men. What could change a fisherman who was pretty much ok to a big time dope dealer who set this aspiring writer up in the most elaborate and expensive ways ie setting him up in a classy restaurent, buying a mansion with him, etc. This writer had nothing before my husband set him up. What he had was charisma and ambition.
God I am still ranting about it.  I can't change them and they sure as hell arent going to take a minute to illuminate their relationship. I got dumped and that is it.  I was so lucky to get dumped. I could not stand the chaos anymore but I was too insecure and broken to crawl away.  I am sorry for that person I was and sort of pissed off that I chose all that. Then I continued to live under his shadow because of all his money and my daughter.
Maybe I am finally getting angry. It is not pretty.

Oh I know ..... We could sit down and do a role playing gestalt about it and it will all be resolved and a great light of understanding will wash over us. I would be up for that.  However, that is not going to happen.

I am completely wrapped up in myself.


Sea

[Hopalong]

When an injury is re-injured, you HAVE to be all wrapped up in yourself, dear Sea.

That's how you heal.

Still think you're judging yourself really harshly, hon. You deserve to roar and roaring here's really safe.

This too shall pass and ultimately you really will be free of that history and the pull to try to change it.

Facing the cold reality of Ns Don't Care is brutal, and revisiting it hurts. A lot. So does being unable to get acknowledgement or justification or understanding...ever. From Ns.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

Sea:

Do you really care what this guy thinks?  Really?

Process your pain the way you need to and don't worry this guy..... he's a big boy.  Who maybe had an affair with your husband.  And introduced him to cocaine.  And the 16 yo.

Maybe he deserved what you gave him?

Light

[sea storm]

A few days have past and I have recovered somewhat from sticking a stick in the works by getting pissed of and acting out by first unconsciously criticizing this guys movie by praising another one which I thought he wrote but didn't. Why that happened was pretty unconscious and downright strange. I scared myself with the pettiness of it.  I have thought of apologizing several times because I think that anger is a destructive force. I just wasn't rational about it and more at the f....  off level.

The narcissist husband is dying and although he has had a turn for the better healthwise, I realize he will never say he is sorry and he will go to the end not giving a thought to the damage he did to my life and if confronted would only make things worse with his arrogance and contempt. All this has pushed me into a downward spiral of guilt and self loathing. I imagine people don't like me and I am a flawed person. I take on the old shame. So I am trying to take care of myself, meditating and realizing that I have a life to live and can't let anyone ANYONE destroy my peace of mind. I am getting there slowly. What this shows me is that the experience of being intimate for years with a narcissist goes deep and is difficult to completely eliminate. It pops up and like PTSD  it feels like I am reliving the terrible times again with no rock to stand on. In my body lies the memories and they have come back with a vengeance. At least I can look at this with some detachment. Thank God for this board and all the years of learning about narcissism.

Blessings dear ones
Sea

[Twoapenny]

A few days have past and I have recovered somewhat from sticking a stick in the works by getting pissed of and acting out by first unconsciously criticizing this guys movie by praising another one which I thought he wrote but didn't. Why that happened was pretty unconscious and downright strange. I scared myself with the pettiness of it.  I have thought of apologizing several times because I think that anger is a destructive force. I just wasn't rational about it and more at the f....  off level.

The narcissist husband is dying and although he has had a turn for the better healthwise, I realize he will never say he is sorry and he will go to the end not giving a thought to the damage he did to my life and if confronted would only make things worse with his arrogance and contempt. All this has pushed me into a downward spiral of guilt and self loathing. I imagine people don't like me and I am a flawed person. I take on the old shame. So I am trying to take care of myself, meditating and realizing that I have a life to live and can't let anyone ANYONE destroy my peace of mind. I am getting there slowly. What this shows me is that the experience of being intimate for years with a narcissist goes deep and is difficult to completely eliminate. It pops up and like PTSD  it feels like I am reliving the terrible times again with no rock to stand on. In my body lies the memories and they have come back with a vengeance. At least I can look at this with some detachment. Thank God for this board and all the years of learning about narcissism.

Blessings dear ones
Sea

I think the comparison to PTSD type symptoms is very accurate, Sea.  I find it's like waves; I have a calm bit, all is well, life works itself along and then something or someone pops up and I find I'm struggling again.  I did eventually get to a stage where I no longer needed or had any hope for any kind of apology or recognition from those who have harmed me.  I wonder if it's very unusual for someone who has done someone else harm to actually get to a stage in life where they see it, accept it and acknowledge it?  I would guess the level of delusion?  if that's the right word, that they employ in order to justify their behaviour in the first place is unlikely to shift?  Or maybe their own damage means they see the world in such a way that balance and fairness just aren't a part of it?  I don't know.  It's very hard to be knocked down again and again and not have anyone say sorry.  I remember someone I know (who had an awful relationship with her mother, very cold and abusive throughout her life) telling me her mum said sorry on her deathbed, but that even that didn't help because she knew she was saying it to get what she wanted (she wanted her daughter to hold her hand and my friend said she just couldn't do it, she'd always hurt her so much that she just couldn't pick her hand up).  It's a tangled web and one we're all slowly unpicking!  I sometimes wish there was a fast forward so you could skip the painful stuff and just get to the good bit   Lol xx

[sKePTiKal]

Sea, I'm afraid I have to disagree with you somewhat about the belief that anger is JUST a destructive, negative emotion. My belief is why I said you have embrace those emotions - warts & all.

Many times, anger is simply an ego-reaction... and that type of anger, can spiral into the destructiveness you seem to reject. But there is another type of anger... that acts like an early-warning system for the purpose of PROTECTING yourself. And another type, that is a normal human reaction to having sustained a soul-wound. (This type only goes away if you embrace it... and give yourself permission to MATTER enough to you... that you are "righteously" angry. It PASSES, in it's own time and becomes something better and different... and leads down a path to a healthy result.)

There are alot of different dimensions to that emotion that we call anger. And I've found many of them are extremely useful in processing our experiences - the grist for the mill - that lets us out the other side as more whole and free people.

Pushing anger away; trying to avoid the emotion; believing it's always a bad thing... is conditioning from our society. For me, doing that always results in the kind of subconscious acting out you experienced. I can only find my way to completely "not caring" about the person who caused my anger-reaction... or forgiving them, and myself... if I permit myself to go completely into that anger and just hash it out. Most of that happened in journals, and less so in real life. Mind you, I wrote for YEARS.

It worked for me. Maybe it help some for you?

[Hopalong]

This isn't an opinion about others but a fact about me...

Every time I get angry enough to express it externally, I usually feel sick afterward. Shaken loose from my sense of self, doubtful of my lodestars, and, oddly, hurt.

I can express some anger in writing, now and then with something deft that might summarize the heart of an issue. Often it's pointing out sexism's nuances. But even there, the thing I feel most strongly is the root cause of human society's damage...I write from a state that's not really anger as much as focus.

Back to anger. I've just never made peace with it. I would be a terrible candidate to go through it even therapeutically, I think. The aftermath is frightening and feels harmful, toxic. Then again, I don't know if I as an individual just don't have that much capacity for anger-wrestling and have learned my own limits, or whether I'm missing out.

I don't think it matters...I don't think believing one thing or another about anger is as important as respecting its potential for toxicity, as in my case, and for clarifying/cleansing, as in Amber's. It's probably as unique to each of us as are our hardwired personalities.

But I'm thinking on it. I do know that when I'd feel a firm, unqualified "I don't or didn't deserve that" -- there was immense relief. And I know anger preceded that lightbulb. Which eventually turned to self-compassion.

love,
Hops