Advice please with my daughter in law

[Lupita]

I have a very difficult possessive daughter in law.

I donated candy to my grand baby school for Halloween. So, I was there turning in the candy and called my son and asked him if he wanted for me to leave the baby at the day care or bring him to the house since he was the one that was going to pick him up. He said, bring him to the house and I will give you a hug. So I did and his wife got mad, she left and when she came back I was still there and she said she did not expect me to still be there. Her mother and her grand mother live with them. I am the only outsider who pays my own mortgage and my own house and has dinner by my self all the time while they dinner together everyday and watch movies. Why si she mad that I come for a change instead of being home alone?

Did I do something wrong.

Please help.

[Twoapenny]

I'm sorry to read of your problems, Lupita.  It doesn't seem to me that you did anything wrong as you were invited over by your son.  I seem to remember there have been problems before although I can't remember specifically what they were now, but I think it was to do with your daughter in law?  She might have been cross with your son for changing the little one's routine and took it out on you but it's hard to say.  It doesn't read that you did anything you shouldn't as your son said it was okay.  I don't know what to suggest as it sounds like a very difficult situation to manage xx

[Lupita]

It has been a struggle. Only god knows what I have to put up with this woman, her mother and her grand mother. I am sorry for my self.

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry to hear the competition continues, Lupita. It sounds miserable.
I am happy to hear that you are involved in your grandbaby's life, though,
since some time ago you were very afraid you wouldn't be allowed to be.

All I know is that all the advice for grandmothers I've ever read indicates
that confronting or competing with the child's mother in any way is always
a losing game. That it doesn't matter who gets to be right, if the goal is
to maintain that channel to the grandchild.

Hope things settle down soon.

Hops

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,
Reading Carolyn Hax regularly is the reason I offered you that advice about your daughter in law.

Ironically, this morning here is another Hax column that's about exactly that. I hope it's helpful.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-daughter-in-law-is-standoffish-dont-make-things-standoff-ish/2017/10/30/95c487c8-bb5b-11e7-a908-a3470754bbb9_story.html?utm_term=.f1e27276c5cc

Hax is wise, compassionate and utterly realistic about boundaries and relationship dynamics.

Hops

[Lupita]

Thanks. I am so disappointed. There is nothing I can do.

[lighter]

Hi Lupita.

You can enjoy your Grandson, and that will have to be enough.  The DIL is what she is.  You can't control her.  You can only model what you'd like the relationship to be.  My MIL was pretty terrible for a while.  Eventually my ignoring her when she was terrible, while attending to the positive interactions, helped bring us closer, though things were never " normal".  At least I could limit how much her actions bothered me. 

I'm sorry you're struggling, but glad you see your Grandchild.
Lighter