Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Heist on Something....

<< < (4/66) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Sometimes I CAN over-analyze things, putting myself into a kind of uncertain paralysis. Sometimes, it's way better when I just notice how I feel with someone. Are we just talking - telling our stories - and being open with each other? Admitting mistakes, but stretching to grow? And comfortable in that!

Even at more mature ages, people DO grow - and the number of "deal breakers" for a relationship seem to decrease. And in that case, one doesn't want to shop for someone "exactly" like oneself. Mike and I mostly had the important things in common, but not all of them. In some ways he was my opposite. And opposites do attract. And a relationship is like compost... it should nurture growth in the partners. This far down the road, I can say that the things I loved the most about him were precisely the things that drove me the nuttiest.

If I'd had a list of criteria I was matching up, and trying to evaluate him based on that list... I wouldn't have had so much fun, felt so protected and secure, or loved in return. There were surprising things show up in that relationship too. As much as he seemed to "need" me with him all the time - he was my super-bestest supporter to grow autonomy, to grow into myself.

My advice at this point is keep your "list" short & simple. You know what you absolutlely do NOT want to deal with. You probably also know what your major needs are. Focus on those... let yourself enter into conversation and time spent together as completely as possible and pay attention to how you feel. Are you excited to see him? or nervous? relaxed or wary? Are you having fun together and able to take care of each other while telling your stories (this is a good exercise...) or is there an instant critique, analysis and judgement?

What happens if you beg off a date to do something important to you - like writing over the weekend? Or if you want to change up the current routine and do something different?

Just my thoughts at this point, Hops.

I think you're doing fine. Just enjoy the process for now. Let the "filling out of forms" and ticking off boxes happen a lilttle later.

lighter:
Hope:

You are right to back away from expectations, and continue shopping relationships, IME. 

I had a full body stomach flip when I read this man kinda sorta accused you of having hard spots.  Not that any of us should or could be all all soft marshmallows.... it's that he had you in defensive mode.  That's familiar to me, and a red flag.

Im also confused about his wanting to be married or not.  I thought he didn't want it, but now he says he does? 

Stay busy with your own life if you really want more with this man.  Don't show all your cards..... I don't trust him right now, mostly bc he left you confused the first time you asked him about dating other people, but.....

You're right to express your feelings then pay attention to his responses.  Gather information then decide where to file him. 

You don't have to be his ocd twin or a chef or retired with him for this to be right, IMO.  If it's workable and you both want it, the differences will work for you.  I have the feeling he's feeling interviewed, and maybe it's uncomfortable?  Not sure, but you deserve some fun and to pointing tummy flips.

Relax.

Pay attention, and show him what you look like in joyful happily busy mode.  Let the interview mode end for a while.  Don't be available every time he rings or asks to see you if he asks without notice.

Date other people, and remember to seek your joy and have your interests and activities ongoing as priority.  Men like partners with something going on, besides them.

You're so on point and caring.  Please don't let that take your attention.  Pull up, get some emotional distance on this, and feel free to borrow our filters if needed.

Breath, Hops.  You are so bright, and talented, and worthy of a great relationship.  Think about what YOU want.

Lighter

Hopalong:
I don't know how to thank all of you enough. Your experience, pragmatism, and observations of different perspectives on the same narrative are just mind-boggling. If there's any example of the cumulative value of the trust and intelligence shared (and increased) on this board...I nominate you!

Tupp, you pointed out two things that were hugely helpful. One, you caught me losing track of my self-esteem under the pressure of a new relationship. Dunno about the Marvellous Me wall  :D but thank you for your kind and reinforcing praise of what I've done well. I do underestimate my achievements and spend a bloody awful amount of time catalogueing my weaknesses. Thank you.

The other was the acknowledgement of his honesty. He had to be asked a very direct question before he answered unambiguously...but still, he did. And that is a good thing, regardless of how it ends up for us. I think future conversations will be easier because he made that choice.

Skep, thanks for reminding me not to obsess with the tick-boxes. And to be more present, and confident, while still changing things up while I observe. (I think one thing that accelerated my anxiety was thinking that once we'd started "making out" I thought he was ready to go straight to a kind of domestic dating...making food together, evening with movie, etc.) I am not THAT comfortable defaulting to that all the time because we haven't been in other situations at all together. Biggest thing we've done outside of each other's homes has been a couple dinners out, and a trip to a home store. I know how eager he is to get cozy and begin a semblance of  shared life, but I need a lot more exploration before we default to that outline of every date. My T said it's important to see him in a lot of different contexts, keep observing...etc. After he gets back from his Tgiving trip, I'll come up with another kind of activity to propose.

Lighter, you zeroed in on the most problematic thing. I agree about the red flag of him making a negative observation with weak-evidence criticism of "hard spots." It was stupid and unfair and it did make me feel defensive. My biggest doubt about a long-term fit for us is that I believe his perfectionist, engineer personality means (or his comments have revealed...no disrespect to engineers) that he's almost trying to "spec" his ideal future mate. She should cook. She should be sweet all the way through. On the brighter side, when I challenged him on that on the phone later, he said he never should have said that and that he thought it was stupid.

Another positive-negative is that he's willing to answer difficult, challenging questions. Like, when I asked him what his biggest regrets were about his marriage, he acknowledged that his perfectionism hurt her. He gave that example of being unable to let her share in painting a room, except she had his approval to tape down the drop cloth, but not paint. He said he was afraid she wouldn't do it "right." And that she was really upset about it. (Understandably!). What I'm saying is I think he sees this about himself and regrets it (sounds almost OCDish). And, he admits to it. What I worry about it whether it's even within his control.

I also really like your advice to back off, be busy, lighten up, and not be too eager or always available. That shouldn't be a problem because I have trouble adding in two dates a month! After so much time on my own, making adjustments to make room for him is quite difficult. And I do have a lot of other things going on.

I don't know if he feels "interviewed" any more than I do, gotta say. It took him three "interviews" with transparent silly questions before he admitted it wasn't a job interview at all. And he still asks sizing-up questions more than I do.

About the marriage thing. Although the first time (early on) we had that exchange and he said he wanted a "permanent relationship" and I said I did too and for me, that means marriage...he balked a little. But when I gave my reasoning, he immediately seemed to respect it. Now it's a month on and he has changed his terminology. Now he said, "a wife or a permanent partner." I just took that as a sign that he's considering me seriously, and that includes remaining open to the possibility of marriage. I don't think he's manipulating, I think he honestly hadn't thought it through.

One important thing (and a vulnerable one) that he shared over lunch was how inexperienced he is. He was married for 40 years, and faithful. Compared to my round-heeled tally (which I am NOT sharing), there's a big difference. And in a way, that means he's a little naive. I'm touched by that.

We'll see how it goes but I wanted to thank all of you for these potent insights. I don't know how anyone could ever find better help in thinking things through.

With major gratitude,

Hops

sKePTiKal:
So glad we could help - while learning ourselves - Hops. I think if you don't think of him as "a solution" to anything, but a human being too... it will help alot.

I'm just having one of those epiphany days. My Thanksgiving is coming starting tomorrow and into Saturday... in the big city (my bugaboo). People I barely know - but like - and I'm hoping I don't embarrass anyone, including myself. Social anxiety again.

And I desperately want to have fun. No holds barred fun. Without casualities.

Hopalong:
Would a visit to the museum help while you're there?

Just to drink deeply of the peace and quiet, and art, to restore you amid all that social interaction?

I hope you DO have fun. And hope there are oysters in the stuffing.

xo
Hops

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page