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Heist on Something....

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lighter:
Hops:

I'm profoundly impressed by your ongoing positive communication with B.  You're patient, assertive, and compassionate..... cracking on with him isn't easy, I'm sure, when he surprises you like this. 

  My feeling is that you could be forming a relationship worth having....that you're building something strong and lasting.

I think you take this one issue at a time.  Address this the way you've addressed everything else.  Listen to his response.  Accept what he has to say with kindness, and believe him when he tells you who he is.

About having to be assertive all the time.  I know it's exhausting.  It is.  It's also good practice, and information.  If it doesn't work out you'll know what this is when you see it again.  You'll know more about what you can and can't accept in a relationship.

Stay strong, Amazon Hops.  He might pleasantly surprised you.  I know I was surprised to read get went to the class with you.  That means something, imo.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
I think I asked if you had the energy & desire to be this assertive all the time. It's an important question, because at our age - who wants to work that hard? At the same time, announcing that he's going to miss a class - that was important to you - for another social arrangement sounds like disrespect and dishonesty, to me. Especially with the tone.

So, I have my own executive tone of voice, in which I announce things and make ultimatums. I would state, in simple clear words... that I was hurt over the decision to bail on the commitment he'd already made, to go through the class with you. THEN, I'd ask him directly: did that class make you uncomfortable? And I'd expect an explanation about why he was uncomfortable and why he didn't see that as a challenge.

Only then, would I decide if I was righteously angry with him. And if I was, he would damn sure know it at that point.

But that's me, and I don't have any issues with facing a confrontation head-on. Calling him out. I wouldn't just accept his "pronouncement" about how he was spending that next class time without letting him know - front & center - exactly how I felt about it. And if he didn't like it, well I hear Florida's nice this time of year.

Your instincts about this ring true to me Hops; about how he sees the person who is his "wife" and I can fully understand that it's pushing your red alert buttons. It would mine, too. It kinda offsets all the work you've been doing (on your side) to give him the benefit of the doubt, see where things go and how you feel... and this is actual treatment, reality of behavior, that you will have to choose whether to accept or not.

Sadly, letting the first instance of it go... can contribute to the creation of the pattern. So I'd first protest it and then sit back as objectively as possible and analyze his response. I might even tell him, I'll be grading him on it. One person doesn't get to be "boss" in a relationship. Ever. In my book. As a couple, it's considered MANNERS to consult with the partner before making significant decisions that affect plans already made. It is rude, inconsiderate, and yes, "entitled" too.

I'll save the rest of my outraged suppositions until more is known about what's really going on here.

Twoapenny:
I agree with Skep and Lighter here, deal with this as you have with all the other things that have come up.  I think it might be a good thing for him to know it made you feel angry - just to let him know Hops' empathy, understanding and desire to see things from another point of view doesn't equal pushover.

He may have been like this all through his marriage without changing because his wife never told him to.  Perhaps she just accepted it as part of who he is, or genuinely didn't mind or notice it.  Doesn't mean that you have to do the same, or that he isn't capable of changing now.

It's okay to be scared of the future.  It's normal!  Scared of being alone, scared of being with someone and not being happy, scared of being happy and losing the person - so many things to be scared of, I don't think it's bad or wrong that you feel this way and I don't think it should be something you don't like in yourself.  I think it's just part of being human.  You deserve happiness.  But yes, pay attention to the flag, particularly as it's a pattern you've been in before and taken a long time to get away from.  Perhaps he just said it in a way that he didn't mean to - perhaps this is how he is when he's doing what he wants.  Maybe he does see his partner as being secondary to his needs.  Maybe he felt bad about blowing you off and he became standoffish to put some space there.  But yes, I think he should have either spoken to you about it before he decided what to do or just been honest and told you he doesn't want to do the group (if that's what the real issue is for him here).  If he's away for a few days now you've got time to calm down, think about things, talk it through with your T and come to a neutral point in yourself again, before you talk to him about it.

Hopalong:
Thank you, Lighter. I'm surprised by your positive outlook on it but that was nice to hear. In fact, I'd been thinking about what you've said so many times--Don't make excuses for bad behavior. Believe him when he shows you who he is, etc. So this behavior and tone I'm talking about don't seem "bad" to you, or like I'm seeing behind the curtain kindsa things?

I really appreciate your perspective. (I was happy he went to the first class too. But I feel as though he kind of wiped that out by sabotaging the rest of it...). Oh well, he'll be happy golfing with another executive and maybe this is his own signal that we're not quite a fit. He's going to be in his familiar comfort zone.

Sigh. Thanks again.

love
Hops

Hopalong:
Tupp, you caught it all. Every nuance.

Except the one about fear of the future being about being alone or not. The fear I carry in the back of my mind that I feel ashamed of is that although I'm anti-dependency, I am afraid of winding up too poor to have help I'll need as an old woman. That fear. (Not just a loneliness fear.) I don't feel good about myself having that thought roll by because I do not want to think of any relationship as a security blanket. I didn't go hunting for a well-off man and never have, B was a spontaneous surprise. But it's been true there's been some relief within happy thoughts in imagining that I'd be "safe now." (My old gent showed me paperwork today for the new assisted living wing we'll move him to in spring. A small 1BR apartment costs more than twice my Social Security. And this is a moderate retirement community. So...I do have fears. They're pretty realistic, unfortunately.)

Clearly, I can walk away from that piece. I have before, and from a much bigger kind of security. It's a principle I can pull around me again. In fact, I probably will. It's just harder now, at my age.

But the most important thing is to figure out how serious this pattern of his is, what it may represent, and whether I want to live with that. I will definitely calm down over the weekend and talking to my T Monday will help too.

I just have a feeling it's going to be ending. I'll be okay if it does, though. Just sad for a while.

xo
Hops

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