Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Hopalong:
Now there's an idea!
:lol:
Perfect. That even incorporates the compulsive engineeritis.
Twoapenny:
Hops, you have every right to be offended and pissed off. You're not being heard. Everyone has a right to be offended and pissed off.
B lacking empathy and understanding, his right wing politics, his sexist/racist jokes, the groaning when you kiss, the obsession over food, his fear of new things, all the things you've talked about on here - none of these things make him a bad person. The fact that he isn't a bad person doesn't mean he's right for you, or that there's anything wrong with you for being pissed off/offended/irritated when he does any of the above. I expect you are right that this is his personality, that it's hard wired into him and that it's not stuff he can change, however much he might want to. In just the same way I doubt you can change feeling offended at racist or sexist comments, or at a lack of understanding about the situation with your D, or feeling miffed that planning a meal is such a pantomime when a bowl of soup and a bread roll would do, or being irritated with some of the things he does.
I think there are different kinds of people. Some people are doers and fixers on a superficial level - try this, tick the box, move on to the next thing. Nothing wrong with that. Some people are doers and fixers on a deeper level - they think and they ponder, they talk, they cry, they try to understand more, they reach out to other people, they accept that some things can't be fixed but it hurts deeply because it isn't something they can throw away and start again with. Nothing wrong with that, either. We are what we are.
Your situation with your D is something that few people would understand, I think. I think family fall outs of this nature often make people think there's a quick fix solution, a couple of chats, everyone apologises and it all gets better. Few people really get it. I get the same with my son; very few people really understand the extent of his problems and I get to a point where I can't face going through it all again because it's just too painful. To explain to someone how hurt you are, how deeply you've been affected, how tough you find upcoming events takes it out of you. For them not to hear - and then to say "I don't always get on with my daughter" - is tougher still.
It isn't a bad thing or fault on anyone's part if you and B don't work out. It isn't a failure if he's a nice guy and you enjoy his company but he can't give you the depth that you need with other people. Some habits can be overlooked, some things can be worked on - and some differences are so great that it just won't happen. I just don't think you should beat yourself up about this if you end up thinking it's not going to work out.
I wish I had some suggestions for things to do in relation to the SAD but there's nothing I can think of. I'm kind of having the opposite at the moment; I'm starting to feel so much better as the days are getting longer that I'm realising this winter actually affected me quite badly so I'm going to have to try and address it for next winter. I hope it passes quickly for you and doesn't linger for too long. And I'm sorry for the feelings that come up over the Easter break and I hope that the days don't pass too slowly xx
Hopalong:
Tupp, thank you.
That was a perfectly mature and measured response to my rant...I really appreciate it.
Saw B last night, with a group of others, and was again struck by how lovely he can be. As ever, once I am with him again the panicking over the personality bits that don't work for me recedes. He said something about how stressed I'd seemed on the phone and was very gentle and authentic.
I think I'm carrying an existing anxiety cycle into this relationship and that sometimes my reactions are disproportionate. But I also appreciate how often you remind me that it's not a sin to be irritated, either.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that after so many years on my own, the prospect of being close and connected, much less committed, is daunting. Maybe in some ways I don't see when in the grip of them, I have an impulse to sabotage it with a stream of inner critical thoughts.
Thanks again for the insight and faith,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Sigh. This might sound brutal Hops; but it's because I luvs ya.
Any time you start thinking that you can remake yourself and that will fix the relationship... it's bad. I see you keep putting the responsibility for reacting to who he is on yourself. Maybe you simply don't like those things about him. And perhaps they bother you enough - and always will - that you need to think of your dates as "practice" for someone who is a better fit.
But you're allowed to not like those things about him. It doesn't make you mean or uncharitable or anything else. And it doesn't make him a bad person. Just "not right" for Hops.
I think your anxiety comes up AFTER he's done something you don't like, but you stifle that to avoid the confrontation. And because those things bother you deeply enough you feel like you're betraying yourself. You not only have to decide if you can live with the way he is; but can you live with yourself, doing that?
lighter:
So.....Hops......this B......
From here he's starting to look like one of the people you care for.
Except this is a more lasting permanent exchange of time and resources. I'm not judging you or him or the relationship, bc I don't have enough information. I just share what comes up for me and..... I picture you in this relationship, permanently, without time and space if your own to buffer and heal you.
There are sore spots rubbed raw, and will they be bone oyou n bone when you share intimate space with this fellow? Will meals become trauma OR will you care less about his doofus traits and relax into security of having someone in your life.....having a plan for the future.....I honestly don't know.
I'm not the kind of person who can do that. I've tried, and to an extent, for a short less than 7 year period succeeded, but I was so busy I could almost fool myself into pretending it might be ok.
Escape was always on my mind....one day I knew it would be over. Would have to end. I'd leave, flee, go, and not look back.
I don't want to think of you living that way. Ever.
About feeling cared for, and valued..... it's very important.
:: nodding::.
About companionship.... it's either more comfortable or less. Nothing is perfect, but What it must be, IME, is low drama, sans physical and emotional poking at you. There's no comfort in being poked.
The poking needs to stop, bc no one finds comfort in being poked. Even sainted, healing empaths with ideas about handling the poking, and inevitable feelings about being poked, kwim?
We'll, that wasn't clear at all, but I have to say.....speak up. With clarity. I know there are things to lose. I know there's comfort in the pack. We're pack animals, but we require enough sheltered space....enough true understanding of who our true selves are to exist without feeling trapped, and always in flight mode.
If this B can't come'round nuff to provide emotional safety for you, dear Hops, then you must decide if you can provide it for yourself. With him....without him....no matter what...can you cultivate, in an enduring fashion, for you? Despite whatever poking you're up against?
I ask myself if something will matter in a hundred years...it helps me find perspective. Some things matter much less after the 100 year test.
I can see you in 5 years, very active, you're in groups, have friends, activities and enjoying volunteer slots. I can see you WITH and without B.
I'm not sure if choosing B would break you, or if you'd make peace with what I think of as his blind spots. And....is he the type if man who could make peace with you doing your own thing, busy and active, not entirely focused on him and your life together? If he's needy, and clingy, and annoying as hell when you seek your bliss, to the exclusion if bliss, then maybe he is just practice.
I don't believe other people complete us. I don't feel they should make us happy. We're largely responsible for seeking out joy, IMO.
With that said, our companions shouldn't block joy, challenge our mental health or poke us in every way possible in an ongoing daily fashion either. There has to be some enduring understanding, comfort, and space that's real, and somewhat whole in our lives.
I'm allergic to conflict, and grappling for space and freedom leaves me gasping emotionally. It always has. I assume it always will.
Can you create your own little oasis of comfort in this B equation? Can you not? Can you make comfortable peace with letting this connection, this being adored and needed, go by? Even if B's a very slow learner of all things Hops.... he's identified qualities in you he's drawn to, has assigned an engineer's value to. He dies it often....not likely to stop, IMO either.
I don't care who you are, that's intoxicating stuff....to be so very valued, but it can also be a cell, IME.
If it's the latter.....if you're yearning to be away from b.... it's likely a cell.
Once I rebuffed a guy for seeming needy and clingy.... I sent him away, bc he didn't it couldn't hear me, and give me more requested space...yes, this is my b.
In the space that followed I figured out some very important things. I was unnused to kindness....to caring....to deep and abiding attachment....to being cherished by a man. I decided I could make peace with my discomfort, and I quickly did. He was the live of my life. Things kept getting better and better.....but I had to make conscious adjustments as I went.
We were both givers.... I tried on comfort with receiving. It was different, but it worked. I got better at it, and his comfort levels improved, bc he got to DO what made him feel good.
We all, in the end, do what makes us feel good, Tupp. Some if us can shift or change a bit. Most can't, ime.
I say play with perspective, with receiving, with requesting, and how it feels, Hops.
So far this has been about B needing wanting asking for, stating what makes him feel ok. What about Hops, and her needs, wants, requirements. What do you truly neeeeeeed to be ok on this planet?
You know more about what you don't want. Can you do something proactive about what you do want?
Time to take frank stock, and find some clarity, Hops.
Lighter
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