Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Twoapenny:
Hopsie, it's like Snakes and Ladders, you get a good experience and go up the ladder ten paces and then hit a snake and slide back down again :)
My thoughts, for what they are worth (and with a disclaimer that I'm tired so might not make any sense) are that I think his comment was insensitive. Asking you if you wanted to talk about the situation or chatting about other things or offering to stay home if you'd prefer and so on would have all been good. Asking you if you're going to smile when you've had such awful news and are so powerless to do anything about it - no, insensitive and unnecessary.
I get the notion about it being seen as a sexist/feminist issue but also wonder (and apologies if this is blunt because I don't mean it to be) if you felt you needed to justify not wanting (or being able) to smile with lots of 'proof' that you didn't have to rather than just being able to say 'no' and not feel the need to explain or justify it? I'm thinking back to times when I used to go through similar things with my T over home education; I got slated a lot by all sorts of people and would find myself going to great lengths to 'prove' it was a good option and that research showed that. My T would say "why can't you just say 'it's what I prefer' and leave it at that"? And she was right - I felt I had to justify my choices rather than just expecting people to accept my choices or leave me alone if they didn't want to. It just sort of reminded me of that when I was reading through all the things you sent him - I don't know if there are similarities in the two situations?
I can get him not seeing it as a sexist issue; lots and lots of people don't see the same things as being sexist/racist etc. Which again made me wonder if it would be clearer to explain that you, personally, are going through a very tough time and smiling wasn't on the agenda. The sexism angle - which I do get and agree with - seems to depersonalise it in some way? And make it more of a general issue, when it feels like it's a more personal issue (in so much as he doesn't seem to be getting the situation with your D and how deeply it affects you). I don't know if that makes sense. I hope it's not complete gobbledegook :) xx xx
Hopalong:
No, that makes TOTAL sense, Tupp! Thanks for this question.
I think I resorted to sending him calm, analytical information about the issue (as a part of sexism) because to react personally is more threatening to me. Makes me feel much more vulnerable. I retreated to my safer space, which is observing and being analytical about sexism and racism.
To feel and be vulnerable about every instance of sexism or dominance I observe personally just feels shattering. The more analytical approach is less painful for me. My intelligence (which he often comments on) protects me from condescension, paternalism, that stuff.
Inside, little Hops is shrieking: A little respect, please? You entitled controlling asshole? (But I sense sharing that might not be, errrr, productive....)
:lol:
xxoo
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 03, 2018, 02:10:41 PM ---No, that makes TOTAL sense, Tupp! Thanks for this question.
I think I resorted to sending him calm, analytical information about the issue (as a part of sexism) because to react personally is more threatening to me. Makes me feel much more vulnerable. I retreated to my safer space, which is observing and being analytical about sexism and racism.
To feel and be vulnerable about every instance of sexism or dominance I observe personally just feels shattering. The more analytical approach is less painful for me. My intelligence (which he often comments on) protects me from condescension, paternalism, that stuff.
Inside, little Hops is shrieking: A little respect, please? You entitled controlling asshole? (But I sense sharing that might not be, errrr, productive....)
:lol:
xxoo
Hops
--- End quote ---
Yes, I get that Hopsie, makes total sense to me (and have similar myself at times). So I suppose my question if I were in your shoes now would be - is it B that makes little Hops shriek and feel vulnerable, or men in general, or people in general who don't see/hear/recognise what you're going through? Because I suppose that would have some bearing on the situation. And "you entitled, controlling arsehole" - I'm laughing but sometimes I think that is productive :) Short, succinct, to the point :) Protecting you or him in that situation? Stifling true feelings for fear of offending? Or not handling it the right way? I only ask as these are all things that go through my mind when dealing with difficult situations (and I have to say these days "Get lost, arsehole" is starting to feel like a more effective way of dealing with things rather than me having to put myself through the ringer trying to figure out the right way to do something, lol). Isn't it all so complicated? I hope this bit irons out/sorts itself out. You are getting a good workout in soul searching and working through things, at the very least :) I'm sorry the comfortable support when tidying the yard didn't carry on to the next get together xx
Hopalong:
It's definitely because it's B, because I've allowed myself to start hoping about a whole future...so it matters much more that he commanded me to smile (didn't ask, more or less declared I had to do it).
I really did tell him on our first or second date, in a very direct way: feminism is deep in my core and issues of sexism and racism are so important to me that I've studied and thought and learned about them intentionally for decades. I was really clear.
So if he's dismissive of my courteous explanation of a common example, then that's pretty red flaggy.
And I'm hopeful, but not expectant.
Hugs
Hops
lighter:
Hops:
B feels what he feels, and in his heart he feels entitled to it, bc he is.
What he's not entitled to is his expectation everyone will feel and do as he feels and does. Honestly, it's hard to imagine him smiling through his own troubled child's life threatening illness he had no control over.
You must be careful you don't smack him down hard over the smiley stuff, bc of strong painful feelings around your child....stuff?
They're..... separate, but presenting keen opportunity to work on his communication style, expectations, and entitlement....but gently, with clarity, and awareness that everyone is entitled to their feelings. Not just him.
Easier if everyone avoids taking everything personally. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.
I hope you feel heard, and B does too.
Light
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