Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 01, 2018, 01:24:10 PM ---Thanks, you guys, so much.
I was deeply surprised yesterday when I was SO distressed about my D, shared the news with B, and he listened and was present with tenderness and peace. He said not ONE word about "fixing it" and was gentle and calming to be around. It helped me get back my equilibrium.
I know part of it is that I snapped back so strongly the other day when he waded in with his Mr. Fixit boots on. But the thing is...again, he listened. He really listened. And took action based on it (or refrained from acting).
That's probably the most encouraging thing about B.
xxoo
Hops
--- End quote ---
He does listen, Hops, and he takes on board what you say, which is very good. And as time goes on he might not need you to say it - and you may find there are fewer triggers and therefore not feel you need to say it - which would be fab :) I'm glad he was there to help soothe the news about your D a little; I do think difficult things are more bearable when there is someone standing next to you xx
Hopalong:
You're right, Tupp.
Today he stopped by after his family brunch and wanted to talk about great biscuits for 20 minutes. And discuss how offensive the new parking garage policy is.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
If I can remember to value him for his core qualities...and not forget that everyone, including me, will be boring at times.
:shock:
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 01, 2018, 05:50:51 PM ---You're right, Tupp.
Today he stopped by after his family brunch and wanted to talk about great biscuits for 20 minutes. And discuss how offensive the new parking garage policy is.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
If I can remember to value him for his core qualities...and not forget that everyone, including me, will be boring at times.
:shock:
Hops
--- End quote ---
Biscuits are great :) I just read an article about how men will find excuses to talk to you if they're keen ;) Even if you have no interest at all in what they're talking about :) It is the core qualities that are most important, in my opinion. I've been out with guys, and been friends with ladies, who are full of interesting stories and know all sorts of facts and figures and are well informed and can talk about all sorts of current affairs and I've thought, wow, this person is so interesting, I love spending time with them. And then they've vanished without a bye or leave, or they've bailed when I've been going through a tough spot, or they've said something unpleasant about my son and so on and so on. Kindness, compassion, resourcefulness are all big factors for me now. It does take time though, doesn't it, to get to know someone and work out what their core qualities are and I think that's what can be difficult sometimes. I think you're doing a grand job, Hopsie :) xx
Hopalong:
You got it, Tupp.
In a time like this when being alone with very painful news would be miserable, having my ole geezer prattling on about biscuits is okay.
Weird, and not stimulating, but I find it okay. He's who he is and one of those things is domestic, which I think is nice. Something about pottering around the yard together was very comforting.
So if he wants to talk about his mother's biscuits, I'll breathe. Just have to remember that the food obsession is his, not mine, and I can stay calm around it.
I'm grateful for my day off today, and will see B at the end of it.
xxoo
Hops
Hopalong:
Saturday (as you know) I learned my estranged only child has a life-threatening illness. Treatable, but very serious for someone in her circumstances.
So last night, I'm with B at dinner, still feeling a lot of heartache, and he says, "Sometime tonight you're going to have to smile!" Earlier, crossing the parking lot, he did a little monologue about how he likes to smile and say Hi to strangers, because "Isn't that a nice thing to do?" (I didn't quite grasp he was trying to "manage" me at the moment.)
When he made the comment as we sat down, I said in a straightforward tone, "I don't feel like faking anything," and didn't rearrange my face. We moved on.
Today, I sent him an email about Don't Tell Women to Smile with a bunch of links, and explained briefly why it's a sexism issue. I wasn't nasty at all, or accusatory, just told him many people aren't aware of how it can be seen, and maybe these articles would be of interest.
I got a huge email back expressing "astonishment" and explaining that he is always telling people--men, women, strangers, employees--to smile. Because "it's much more pleasant to be around people who seem happy." I get it. I have sensed for a long time that he is controlling, as well as having classic entitlement reflexes (people need to arrange themselves in a pleasant way because he wants pleasantness to look at). The way he evaluates and "grades" everyone -- servers, his children, his granddaughters, people on his committees, elsewhere in his life. He does make many comments about how people are falling short. It's like, he looks for what to re-engineer.
I think this is somewhat natural for a man whose life experience has been a whole series of situations in which power and authority rule, and someone always has power and issues commands. He has a quiet voice and smiles a lot himself. But he's always scanning for what to "fix" or improve in others.
Anyway, I sent him links to basic articles that explain why, although not like major feminist issues such as unequal pay, reproductive rights or domestic violence....commanding women to smile is a real and symbolic issue. (Research also shows it is stressful and fatiguing, and on the street, a form of harrassment. Mild, maybe, but these kinds of things are cumulative.)
I sent him a longer explanation, and told him how much I appreciated the dialogue.
But I am expecting that this is a stress test for our relationship. If I am not welcome to openly share how I see an experience, or what my take on sexism is -- particularly when I express those opinions courteously and calmly -- then I'll have a pretty big red flag to consider. That he considers it "looking for something to be upset about" is his right. But it's also my right to feel what I feel.
After all, I told him openly when we met that I am feminist, and that issues of sexism and racism are deeply important to me.
Last night, I was feeling heartbreak. And didn't feel like perking up my expression to please him. I am glad that I'm not in Warren Jeffs' old compound, either, learning to "be sweet."
The real shame of it is that feeling already heartbroken, having him respond to it by commanding me to pretend I felt something "pleasant" -- just made me sadder.
So I guess the comforts of partnership work when we're sharing yardwork in silence. (He loves to do yardwork.) But maybe not so much on other levels.
I hope on our upcoming trip out of town (should we make it together until the 20th), we'll have time to talk this through successfully as we have quite a few other things. Maybe we will. Or not...
dunno,
Hops
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