Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Twoapenny:
I think he's very different to you, Hopsie, far less introspective and I think he's done a lot less soul searching. I do kind of think that people who've been through a lot in their lives often end up having very deep thoughts and feelings about a whole range of things, because they've been exposed to so much. Some, of course, go the other way and block lots of things out, but I think you've both had very different life experiences and they've brought you to different places now. I do wonder if someone more sensitive or more emotionally aware would be a better match for you. I kind of get the feeling that B is/would be happy with a lady who is nice to him and is happy to snuggle up, whereas I get the feeling that you kind of work on a deeper basis than that most of the time. Whether you can meet in the middle I don't know. I understand the not wanting to go into those later years alone (I'm aware of it now and I'm 44 so I can only imagine it getting stronger as the years go by). It's very difficult, particularly with the situation with your D at the moment as well. I'm sorry there is so much going on for you to cope with right now xx
Hopalong:
Yes. Tupp, I have been thinking almost the exact same thing.
A perky lady who cooks, makes out whenever he feels the mood, and doesn't trouble him with difficult thinking.
I'm struggling but suspecting maybe I need to decide soon. If I leave B, I can still hope (however faintly) to still meet someone my age who IS emotionally available. If I don't leave B, I might have shelter and help (if he provided that for me) in older age, but no connection.
Invited him over last night and he kindly helped me re-hang washed curtains.
I made a nice meal (except the sausages in the veggie stew were vegan, which he noted).
I don't make desserts so he had butter and honey on the amazing bakery bread which is his favorite.
We watched a show I'd been eager to introduce him too and he loved it. Two episodes.
But I didn't feel chemistry, didn't feel like much necking, did feel he didn't give me enough space. He sits right in the middle of my couch and that kind of forces me (and pooch, whom he enjoys) to cram into a small space beside him. I made him move over. I was less affectionate because I felt smothered AND because I'm battling resentment.
He knows what's going on in my life, both with Ngent and my D, and doesn't ask (unfair, he did ask something about Ngent). And I'm keeping up a cheerful front because the whole message over the "smile" discussion that I took in was: "I find it much more pleasant to be around people who seem happy." It's the seem (his unintended reveal) that is haunting me. It's making me think thoughts like...he wants a Stepford woman (who snuggles) and is not interested or able to know me in my reality. That's entirely okay with him but not for me.
I tried to be pleasant anyway but I know he felt rejected and was pissed. Doesn't show it much but I sense sulking.
Just as with my D, I don't have to make any rapid decision. He may even make one before me. But I'm feeling as though I can't deny indefinitely how unsatisfying (and likely ultimately hurtful) this lack of connection and real communication feels.
xo
Hops
Twoapenny:
I agree, no decisions necessary, particularly at the moment with your D situation going on as well. I do think if you're with B then there's DEFINITELY no way you will meet a more emotionally attuned man. It is hard, but I am just hoping there is a man out there somewhere wishing he could meet a deep thinking, caring woman :) The having to be cheerful all the time has caused me more pain in my life than I care to remember. I don't think it's a good habit to get in to xx
Hopalong:
OOOPS.
I may just have finished things.
Went for dinner with a girlfriend with whom I have one of those rare, you can call me at 3am, kinds of understandings. (Very similar to this VESMB!). And I caught her up about B, and drank 2 glasses of wine.
So I get home and call B to ask how his Sunday's gone. He's doing taxes. But then he gets going: "I remember with my wife's family, how nice it was that when there was a leavetaking, they would stand on the porch and wave until we were out of sight. You closed the curtains and snapped off the light before I was even out of the driveway."
O
M
G
I finally let loose. I told him with kindness that I do care about him but I feel he wants something SCRIPTED, and that's not how I felt. I was happy to have him here but I was really tired and heading for bed. He goes, "Well it would be all right if you didn't feel like it or forgot to do it sometimes, but I think it would be a nice way to show....."
Blah blah blah. SMILE when your heart is breaking. STAND out in the cold and wave at me in order to make me feel good....
Jesus. I told him "I don't feel comfortable with this at ALL because it feels very controlling. You have script for how you want me to behave, rituals you value...and this feels so controlling to me."
He doesn't get this at all. Not even a little bit.
I say, "I've had a lot of raw things going on this last week. I was just calling to see how your day went. And you offer me another script of the kind of performance that makes you feel good. Like me...smiling on cue."
And he goes, "Well I didn't mean it that way. But I need to get back to my taxes. I hope you have a wonderful evening."
Oh
shit.
I think it's gonna end.
Pretty quick.
The level of disconnect and sense that his compulsion to control and script....are beyond me.
I kept saying, "I'm not angry with you at all. I just think I can't fill the roles you have fantasized for me."
Oh dear. But I'll be surprised if this isn't over soon.
:(
I felt authentic in my conversation with my gf. The contrast was overwhelming. I just called another friend and narrated the B conversation and she said, unprompted, it's just like Stepford Wives. YES. Poor B is so driven by his engineeritis, and in my view completely lacking in insight or curiosity about how he comes across with people close to him (which may explain the strain he mentions in his relationship with his own D and grand-Ds) that he has absolutely NO IDEA why scripted smiles and scripted farewell rituals (that maintain his happy bubble) come across as controllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllling.....
Yikers, yikers. At least I just got to laugh about it. With friends. I just can't see how I can comply, going forward. I think we're probably two steps from the end. He's just not going to get it. Or even...begin to get a fraction of it. And I don't see how I could sign on to a lifetime of that much of a lack of insight or understanding. Even with a basically sweet man who's been a comfort in many ways.
Right now, the balance is tipping...apart. And so be it. No regrets and no villainy. Just what...Tupp, you've described. Maybe he's just not the right guy for me. And maybe I'm not the right girl for him. And that's okay. Sad but okay.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
It is sad, Hops, but I'm glad you have the foresight and the honesty to see it. He's on a different wavelength to you, I think. He's gone through the motions of trying to see things your way but he doesn't really get it, in my opinion. Your heart has been mushed open again with the news about your D and he's critiquing your sending off performance. No. Not right for you. What is good is that it's shown you you can do this - you can hold yourself, stay calm, be assertive, take the risk - and back out again if you realise it's not right for you. You deserve to be happy xx
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