Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp.
I also feel somewhat badly because I over-react to his "edits" and "improvements" and criticisms.
I think if I were less raw, maybe I could've just listened to him describe his "this is exactly how I'd like you to say goodbye when I leave your house" fantasy. I could've listened, gone mmm-hmmm, oh that was sweet of her family wasn't it...and then just said something like, "Well nope, you'll not get that from me, but people are all different, aren't they?"
And maintained my cool. But....I didn't.
I told him I'd be available all day today if he'd like to talk. If he doesn't call that means he's also ready to end it if we don't have a breakthrough. And I think it's unrealistic to think he'll suddenly understand.
Maybe I'll write an email, or maybe it's a bad idea. He is NOT stupid, so I hope he'll be able to see a pattern.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hopsie, you haven't over reacted at all, quite the opposite. You've just had terrible news about your D. His response was to tell you to smile. You went out for the day and then called him to see how he was. He wasn't sitting at home worrying about how you were feeling, it seemed it was quite the opposite. And then he feels a need to complain that you didn't see him off in the way he liked? I think you've reacted very calmly to everything that's been going on. Yes, if you were less raw, you could have listened to him talk and maintained your cool. Equally, he could have been aware that you are raw (and it goes without saying that no-one with a heart could fail to be affected by this news about your D so for you to be feeling raw at the moment is the only way anyone would feel, in my opinion) and asked you how you felt, if you wanted to talk, chatted about nothing in particular. Instead he felt the need to critique the way you said goodnight? I think you're taking too much responsibility for how this has been going, to be honest. He could have made more of an effort and worked a bit harder on this one xx
sKePTiKal:
Please stop blaming yourself for your actual feelings about how B is. And thinking that there is something wrong with "how you are".
BULL.
It's not your job to "fix" yourself - as a condition for a relationship. /end truth
It's not his place to "instruct you" on behavior from you that becomes the basis for continuing a relationship. That's a big boundary transgression. /end truth
Sorry. I've held this in, for some time. "Stepford Wives" indeed. I know I've done a 180 on my judgement of B. But, over the amount of time of this "getting to know you" phase what you've described is so antithetical to what I know about who you are... and I'm just really tired of watching you trying to bend yourself into the pretzel'd version of Hops that he seems to demand from you... and then you beat yourself up, because you're just not "feeling it".
Stop it. Please. This is a lot more than just an "engineering" perspective on the world. There is something "broken" in B that he doesn't recognize that you are not "programmable" to suit his fantasy of a "perfect relationship". If you continue - I guarantee you'll be "punished" by him, for that. One way or another.
Even your pup will come and apologize and snuggle, if she hurts you. B doesn't seem to have a clue that his tone-deafness to your emotional needs HAS hurt you. And that makes me mad, in your defense.
Hopalong:
((((((((((((Tupp and Amber)))))))))))))
My gratitude for your support is inexpressible. Lighter's too if she were chiming in.
Thank you.
My only TINY delay in making the choice (that I've already nearly made at some level) is thinking that Lighter might remind me that one can work with this kind of thing, modify it, and I believe her. I'm just not sure I'm that competent or brave or disciplined a "one", is all. My discipline is rare and my will so mild as to barely register.
I can't tell you how amazing it is to tune in here and find such extraordinary support from such deep perspectives. It's inexpressibly amazing. I feel so incredibly fortunate to be one of the wee group of Amazons Doc G has empowered here.
If B calls and we talk things through today things could change...or at least pause. But I'm thinking he's plenty smart and plenty attached to his view of things (and his compulsions) so wouldn't be surprised if we're both backing way simultaneously.
If he doesn't call, I'll call and tell him I've decided.
love and endless thanks,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
I read your email. It's above and beyond kind. Generous. Appreciative of differences even.
I think you deserve that in return.
That's all. Carry on.
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