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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
I posted but then removed a draft email I was thinking of sending B.
I think it was off tone, but am pretty sure I'll send something similar.
Without so much gushing. I'm not feeling as I did even this morning.

I don't want nor need to be angry at him but my eyes are open now.
It was subtle enough that it look a while to fully recognize what the cost would be.
Regardless of his intentions, his micromanaging and controlling stuff is too much.
And when he's focused on grooming me for a part, he's not able to see me.

I think the empathy's been missing to a degree all along, and I didn't see it.
I felt that night at the restaurant that my sadness was annoying him.

That's really all I need to know. I don't have to analyse it any more.
B just doesn't seem capable of being genuinely intimate and I don't want a partner
who'll do the cold executive thing he retreats to. I don't blame him for his wiring but think
I just got a much clearer glimpse of what it might be like to be his wife.

He hasn't called all day. It might have made a difference, but he chose not to.
(He once broke up with a woman he was dating by just dropping her, without explanation,
he told me. So he may have made that decision anyway.)

I'll send some form of email, because I think it's the right thing to do.

Thanks for putting up with this saga. Y'all have been extraordinary. I've learned a lot
and though I'm disappointed I don't regret it at all. It gave me happy practice for a while.
And that's good! Should I get lucky and find someone more compatible, I'll be readier.

love
Hops

Hopalong:
I sent B the email. Gratitude and farewell. And an honest description of what has defeated my hopes.

I am paying attention to how it felt. A little bit of a wave of cold, because I am alone again and the future looms. But another thing that happened after I hit Send was that my shoulders instantly dropped an inch.

I hope that means I did the right thing.

Hops

Twoapenny:
Hops, for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.  You've been very aware throughout of whether or not you were responding to certain things B did because of certain things other people had done in the past (personally I think your responses were spot on each time and you were far more caring, gracious and willing to take time and listen than I can be) and you've most definitely put the time and effort in.  And you did have some nice times and moments with B, and I think they come to the fore a bit more once things settle and some of the other stuff starts to fall back a little.

I do think difficult times are the real test of people and relationships and I think perhaps the situation with your D coming up as it has was that test for you and B.  Your ways of dealing with things are very different - neither of you are wrong, you're just different.

I get the sense of being alone.  It is tough.  But I am still hoping there is a Mr Hops out there somewhere who is more on your wavelength and who would kind of be in sync with who you are a little bit more. xx

sKePTiKal:
Interesting about your shoulders Hops. That's something I do, to the point I've pre-booked monthly massages. There really is such a thing as being too different (sum total) to be able to be together. And it's not about empathy, or even basic values (although that contributes to the total). But in this case, that wasn't the real issue.

The real issue is he felt he was able to define, decide, shape just how you should be... to make the relationship work for him. Never quite grokked that you have an equal right to that, or even that you might want it. Doesn't matter, most of the time, if you both have different needs and wants. It's that understanding of "it takes two"... and neither one being more important (or in charge) than the other.

You accepted that he is who he is; and while you didn't really want to change him... you did your level best to explain why that was a problem for you, gently... and while the "data" got through to his brain, it never penetrated any deeper than that. Which is why you continued to get emails, and continued to stress out over the most recent "thing". That just increased your emotional awareness that maybe he wasn't the right one... and it wasn't going to be possible for you to make any more space to accommodate that about him.

IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT DIFFICULT. Really and truly. And when it is, at our age, it's better to throw that fish back... and try again. These guys can be great people in and of themselves, but that doesn't mean they're a good fit for you, me or Holly. Those guys are still out there. Looking for you - and maybe you'll find them first.

And I fully believe you should feel "anticipation" instead of "anxiety" over the next time you spend time with a guy. The anxiety is your early warning radar that you can't be what this guy wants, without selling yourself out. You shouldn't have to choose.

Amber's bottomline:
You should be comfortable and relaxed enough to spend time together in fuzzy pants & robe: without putting on a "public face", cleaning up the dishes, tidying the house and vacumning... and babbling out the stuff in your head without editing it first.  Everything else is up for experimentation, exploration and negotiation. I guess this has evolved watching the course of your journey... listening to Holly's trials & tribs... and my own tentative steps in this direction.

It shouldn't take more than a few months to know if you can relax to that point with someone. That's the chemistry part that doesn't sit still to be analyzed or defined. LOL.

lighter:
We'll, hops....you gave it your best shot.

And it WAS good practice.......
such good information....a probe of sorts.
A mission.  Discovery.  What do you need, and what can you live without?

I'm the kind of girl who can lead with valuable information on a first date.....a sort of mental "this is me naked this is me dressed" rundown of absolutes.

Sure, that didn't work out well for me.....but both parties have to be telling the truth, IMO.  IF you can have a meeting of the minds on big stuff, perhaps the rest will follow.

When ready,  Get out there,  meet people, practice discernment....betting economy if motion kicks in with practice too. 

:: Nodding::. 

More information is good information for future possible relationships.  You're very special.... you deserve someone who appreciates you for who you are.  You deserve to be comfortable in your skin.

This guy was unaware...... unable to focus on anything but his own little selfish baby man needs. 

I imagine his wife felt very alone in her struggle to be heard, and appreciated in that marriage. 

B's unable to do better, it he would have, IME.

Sorry.

Lighter

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