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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
I just spent a couple of hours re-reading all 18 pages of this thread.

What hits me is that, with my monster-brother, I spent most of my childhood absolutely LONGING for a sister. Then, until high school, I was bullied and/or ostracized by most of the girl packs. Unaccountably, I went off to an all-female college where for the first time, I was loved (and liked!) by my peers. That changed my life. And accounts for the truly massive gratitude I have felt ever after for the friendship of women.

And here? I am experiencing that college joy again, but with grown-up women, with lifetimes of experiences, struggles and obviously SUCH deep and insightful thinking. (More than seems available IRL, with the exception of two thinker-friends.)

If I could could I would make each of you one thousand muffins. I mean muffins that would taste like divine eternity food, make you live forever moving like ballerinas, and put hair on your chests. Well, not that.

Thank you.

From the heart,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hugging you back Hops. But I don't need any more hair where it's not supposed to be, thanks very much. LOL.

Big day today - in a "just for me" way. I'll blab all about it in the farm thread.

Hopalong:
Y'all are going to wanna scream at me.

But B called, long gentle talk (neither of us angry) and he asked if I'd do a few sessions of counseling with him.

We agreed we might decide to wind up as just friends or if it really gives perspective that we can work with such huge differences, could try again after a cooling-off-the-romantic-stuff period.

The main reason I said okay is that he said he was wrong to say things he said and he also said he's been told by other people that he tends to be controlling and he owned it. I thought that was positive and so, why not.

I'm still thinking we'll just get more clarity about how deep the differences are. I do not want a huge tense project of a relationship. As Amber said, it should not be this difficult, especially in this chapter of our lives.

But he was so willing and so clearly eager to do whatever he could that I felt safe agreeing to a few sessions. No commitment beyond that, and the worst that could happen is we both learn something valuable that we'll use either together or separately as we move forward on our own.

Hope it's not crazy to do. Doesn't feel crazy. But it may be.

love
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Nope; not crazy. Neither of you wants to be alone; you're at least familiar with each other now. But there's a little bit more space for each of you to figure out if you CAN be a couple now - and it's good he wants to go to counseling. He's smart; he may not be able to control his "controlling reflex"... but maybe he can learn to recognize it & manage it better and understand that other people don't like to be controlled at that level... and it's in no way a threat to him or reflection on him for people to be themselves and "unmanaged" by others.

You have to make Hops' decisions. Not B; not us; not anyone but you. So, you'll have to decide if it's going to be possible to be together without it being so difficult on a regular basis.

There is a time to acquiesce to the partner's wishes... and a time to stand up for yourself and refuse. Those times are different with different partners. But the continued anxiety and the inability for you to relax and trust... aren't something inherent in you. He is giving you cause to hang back. And there needs to be equity of giving space... and giving trust/intimacy... for the relationship to grow and deepen. A deep understanding that one person isn't always "in charge" of a relationship is a pre-requisite.

This is the difference between "playing nice" and one person dominating. It should look familiar, as much as we've studied boundaries.

Hopalong:
Thank you, Amber. I agree with every word.

I see it as two anxieties triggered by each other. Could become such a toxic cycle if we don't each manage them.
His is OCD plus entitlement (nearly a guarantee after his life story). But in there, he's quite sensitive.
Mine is fear of enmeshment or domination. I am wary but willing (for the counseling try).

I guess another reason I figure it's worth doing is I do care about him. This could be big for him if he goes for it.
And for me too, as in calmly speaking my truth to a towering male can never be bad for a woman to practice, eh?

We'll see. Thank you for not being annoyed!

love
Hops

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