Hops:
My mother was an obsessive planner.... and she'd do it waaaaay ahead..... that was her MO. Always.
Then, when it was time for the plan to execute I was always caught off guard.... flat footed, bc I had little kids, or other plans, or was sick, or didn;t remember and would rather DO something else... sometimes very much resented getting herded all the darned time without getting to think about what I'd actually like... what would make me FEEL OK...... and you're right... sometimes we can't know till we're at the point of making plans. The fact I was a people pleaser didn't help my cause. My needs were never considered...... what I wanted wasn't factored in. When I spoke, I had no voice. Perhaps you have some memory of that, and it's still very present in your head? I think it certainly was for me.... likely still is.
Planning ahead works out some of the time, but not all of the time, and we're circling back to more balance, I think. There has to be some comfort for everyone. God only knows we can't make Sunday brunch plans around a holiday the day before. Some things absolutely require planning. I get that, but my brain resists... squirms..... resents the planner's efforts. I realize I have little rituals around planning things.... things I DO in order to get in the right frame of mind.... details in other areas of my life that make me FEEEEEL OK..... make it possible to focus on whatever that plan IS. I have to ask for the space, and time to find and complete those things. It's not something I can put into words, so I ask for space, and silence.... for time. I don't really feel a need to explain it beyond that, frankly.
In the end.... I've become better at planning, and trained the remaining planners in my life a bit.... just my being more proactive makes them less compulsive, IME.
And I agree with your not wanting to be a T in your relationship. In a past relationship I was told I needed to manage my partner..... keep him in line.... stand up to him.....tell him when he was out of line..... it was never going to happen, bc I feel the way you do. I'm allergic to conflict, and that will never be the kind of person I can BE with. Ever.
In that relationship my partner was angry at my silences. Super angry at my honesty.... I was in a double bind, without solutions. After I ended the relationship he admitted he was at fault, asked if I could help him, but it was too late, and I wasn't interested in figuring him out any longer.... certainly not interested in fixing him.... was quite certain I could not, and the interest evaporated after 2 years of being blamed, criticized, and eventually emotionally terrorized. My part in that was allowing the first transgression to go by without stating a boundary, and consequence...... following through if I saw a whisp of the same behavior. I should have ended that relationship the first time he went a bit bizzerko.... instead I shut down, with him eventually bringing up my silence. It was strange TO HIM. People who can stand their ground, draw a boundary, state a consequence without adrenal fatigue are lucky, IMO. I'd like to be more like that, BUT for the times I was punished for my honesty, and now have brain pathways that fear being punished/and terrorized for my honesty.
I'm not sure how my mother's marriage went with all that healthy hashing out. Obviously she had a much higher tolerance for conflict, and truthfully.... I do believe it was healthy to have discussions without shattering or having to rock over a disagreement. I've stood my ground, and been assertive.... made huge statemements about myself that could be considered a challenge on a date, and not felt a blip of anxiety around it. IT'S WHEN THERE'S A CONNECTION... when I'm attached to someone and they OUT OF THE BLUE go nutso on me that I start floundering. That I have trouble stating a boundary. Enforcing a consequence. I'm good at walking away WHEN I CAN WALK AWAY, and have done it many times. It's when there's a contract.... when there's children... when there's emotional or physical violence that I come out of my skin, and fall apart. When someone has been good enough, long enough that I freeze, and become confused, opposed to calling it what it is, and going about my business. Attachment is the fulcrum, IMO. My expectations..... learning how to adjust them, and not go into denial. Honestly, I think I've swung too far past that. I think my expectations are so low now that I can't imagine allowing anyone in.... really. It signals risk, and danger, and that's not healthy either Hops. For you or for me.
I'd like more for both of us.
I'm too sensitive to conflict..... but that doesn't mean I have to invite conflict into my life, or learn to live with conflict on a regular basis. Back to balance, managing expectations, and inviting people into my life who can have discussions without angry outbursts.... I just think that's an absolute deal breaker for me.
I would like to just deal with normal stuff without emotional escalation into unhealthy territory when disagreements come up. I'm great at honest discussion..... I have to say that. Not so great at handling other people's inappropriate outbursts. I must come up with automatic responses...... walk away.... state boundaries around their outburst, and agree to come back later when they can be appropriate. That should be something I train into my reptilian brain.
I think I'm a very courteous person.... even when I hear things that make me angry.... I try to be respectful, and I try to be. I want the same courtesy.... I suppose I should demand it.
:
:
Demand.
::sigh::
I've just finished dealing with customs people.... they don't take Discover, and the charge on my credit card didn't go through.. that was the reason for their calls. All that freaking out, and everything seems to be OK. I built it up in my mind... assumed my card was declined bc they SAID it was.... why do I DO that?
The tendency to catastrophize is a THING for me. Maybe it is for you too, Hops.
I don't know how to circumvent it, outside asking myself if this THING is the truth. I can't know it's the truth until I get to the bottom of it so I shouldn't assume the worst.
New brain pathways are a very difficult thing to put in place. It's very difficult, but well worth the time, IME.
I hope this long ramble is helpful, Hops.
It's helped me: )
Lighter
