Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Hopalong:
VERY helpful, Lighter. Thank you.
I especially zinged to your sense of needing time to process and ponder a plan, while the rabid-planner is all ready to foist it on you and jerk it into motion. It's maddening for me because I feel the same way...not that a particular B-plan is always worth being fussed about. It's the sense of missing space, and our out of sync pace, that drains me.
Especially this:
--- Quote ---sometimes very much resented getting herded all the darned time without getting to think about what I'd actually like...
--- End quote ---
What's helped a lot about your post is its great descriptiveness. I can share that kind of description of my own feelings, my way of processing -- mainly my way of ENJOYING free time. And then B can talk about his, and maybe the T will have new ideas.
As I mentioned though, I do not want an arduous project of a relationship at this time of my life. Sure, I'm willing to work at it, any new thing takes work. But I don't yet know how serious or powerful B's OCD stuff is. And need to.
With more info, I'll have more capacity. But for now, we're visiting the T to see what happens. I know B wants it to mean we're "back on track" as a couple. I'm looking at it as, I'm open and curious but not committed.
And thank god I haven't slept with B yet. I knew my inner wisdom, insisting on going verrrrrrrrry slowly, was right for me.
Hugs
Hops
PS I also loved your distinction about the difference between being clear and assertive up front (I find that easy too) versus after a connection is formed. That makes SO much sense to me. So much more vulnerable after hopeful bonding....much more painful to assert. SHOULDN'T be, though. That's something I want to understand.
lighter:
Hops:
I think you're on track to answer many questions you have with the T.
IF the T isn't an asshat, or a cheerleader, or....
hooooowwww did you guys find this T?
You don't want to go to one of B's friends, and have two people trying to convince you what you need to do, kwim? Old guys have many friends, and they like to refer each other... GO to each other. It's nuts, but I've seen it again and again.
And.....
I am shocked at how poorly so many people handlle the word NO.... or anything that doesn't agree with their opinion. Just shocked. SO. Many. Of. Them.
By the time I met my second husband I was all... "I don't want anyone pawing at me all the time, I'll consider sex X number of times a week, and I don't want to be bugged about it PERIOD, and I feel this way about X and that way about Z" and on and I on went.... so very clear about so many things, and there was no strangenes... I mean... I told him my flat out TRUTH, and he was welcome to walk out the door, and leave me with the dinner bill. I just didn't care at that point.
So, THAT beginning begs the question... how did I end up a prisoner in my own home, and life?
HE WAS A LYING LIAR with zero integrity, and less empathy...... he was a sociopath. How did that get by me?
The truth is... it didn't. I KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW KNEW... my intuition was spot on, and my truth just gave him more information with which to scheme and build elaborate lies on.
The trick is to NOT get confused, but SEE the truth as it comes. When we don't want to know the truth... we get confused. Once we set expectations... our judgement can be impaired.... I think.
It's how much we NEEEEEEEED something.... how difficult it is to walk away, and say goodbye....... that's when things get tricky.
Honestly... I think honesty is very attractive.... on anyone. On myself, particilarly. I like ME more when I'm very honest.
I also like myself a lot more when I don't put myself into positions where I'm being held hostage.
My children aren't being held.... I want a world where people aren't being held hostage, but it's never going to happen.
Unrealistic expectations..... they kill joy and potential for joy, IMO. '
We must hone our discernment, ladies. Trust our instincts.... stop questioning and doubting.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Thank you Lighter!
This is what I've been trying to get across to Holly. But because of the constant criticism of how she understands and feels about things... she doubts the reality of her own thoughts & perceptions & feelings. Makes mom a little crazy, over-protective and belligerant.
But, I do see the need for her to get through this process on her own - without me on one shoulder & Matt on the other. So I've just told her, she has ALL the tools and skills necessary to make her own decisions, and I refuse to make her the rope in a tug of war. She hasn't heard yet, that I'm not likely to trust Matt again. She doesn't need that in the mix.
My viking shared something with me, that I'm chewing over anyway. I'm not entirely sure how much it speaks to his personality... or is just one of those things he warned me might scare me about him. Fortunately there is still a lot of space for me to decide if I do/don't like this... and it may just be a little bit of male strutting - testosterone games. Role playing; and not really who he is... but the information is tucked away for future reference, in case it's more "essence of being" than I think at the moment.
lighter:
I hope Holly can lean into trusting herself..... figuring out what her initial instincts were..... KNOWING how right she was, and can always be.
About the viking...
come.
On.
Tell tell tell....
honestly.... I think he's telling you who he really is. Whatever it was.
Believe him.
L>ighter
Hopalong:
Thank you, Lighter. Your thoughts on relationships inspire me and scare me. Both are good.
I saw my T yesterday and he "prepped" me for the couples counselor (later today and I'm nervous) by saying I had three goals: 1) to find out how deep B's control habit goes (OCD or otherwise), 2) to find out whether he can learn to deal with strong emotion or pain (we figured out that he "hides" in managing), and I forget the third, dammit.
On my way out I asked what he knew about the couple-T I'd found (through a friend, not from B) and he mentioned he thinks he's "Christian." Worries me deeply (as to sexism, male privilege unseen, all that--terrible memory of a Christian counselor who urged me into a disastrous marriage because of his discomfort with my sexual independence). So for my own sake, one of the first things I'll say today is that it's important to me that counseling be secular and that any religious perspective be transparent. Now I'm very concerned I suggested the wrong T to B (who made the appointment).
But it'll probably go well. My friends who see that counselor like him very much. And my T said the guy is "good at what he does." He's probably not one of those "the man is the head of the house" people. If he is, I'm gone.
There's no perfect safety anywhere. I'm going to show up and tell the truth.
love
Hops
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