Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Heist on Something....

<< < (7/66) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Holly and I prefer "extroverted introverts", LOL. Her more so than me. I'm more your basic introvert.

No brilliance involved, Hops - just the combination of recent experiences, dealing with the noise/people storm in my head, getting quiet again... and letting the real observations float up to the surface. I need those more than I need regular social activity.

I should be doing something, but since the first half of my week looks to be busy - and I'm still easily frazzled since I haven't gotten ENOUGH R&R yet - the resentment about my time being scheduled already is setting in and well - I don't HAVE to do a blessed thing today if that's what feels good. And it does.

Tonight is "men in kilts" night again - Outlander's new episode - and I'll probably need to build a fire again tonight. Holly leaves tomorrow morning sometime for 2 weeks crewing a sailboat to Florida. I officially buy the land tomorrow morning and have a lot of errands on my list. Hopefully get one jeep inspected Tues... and down to the little cabin to pay guy for work he's done that will let me list the place after the holidays. THEN, more downtime. LOL.

lighter:
Hops:

I think going slow gives you both time to really see each other.  If he's patient and level while waiting, that's a good sign, IME.

I hope you continue meeting new people, bc you aren't married.  You're responsible for finding people you connect with if you really want connections, IME.

Coffee, lunches, and texts with other guys are allowed.

:: Nodding::

You might meet a really great guy while B is a really good guy, kwim?

I'm happy for you!  Have fun;. )
Lighter

Hopalong:
Something interesting happening with B.
We had a deep talk two dates ago that pushed us forward. All that straight talk, and he responded by declaring he felt even closer to me.

So when I saw him again I was feeling ready for the connection to continue growing, but I sensed he was pulling away. He's noticed I noticed, and called to explain he'd been feeling "off or something."

Intuition isn't everything and I'm not feeling that it has to resolve one way or another. My GUESS is that now that he knows some of my expectations (no quick casual comfort for me, since it's just not what I'm looking for at this point) and agreed to them so quickly, the reality of it is settling in.

Like...it's Saturday and we talked this morning, but he was distant. So I figured he needs space, might be reacting to the holidays + the grief process (it's been not quite two years since he lost his wife). And at dinner he'd also told me his daughter's marriage is in trouble, and a sad story about a juvenile boy he'd tried to help in life who wound up rebuffing his efforts.

Long story shorter he may be dealing with depression. The behavior though, is pretty unsteady. He's gone from feeling "fantastic" about us to acting remote and going back to more superficial talk. Then later he left a message and explained he would've invited me out and should have done it this morning, but ... didn't. So it was too late for me to leap in the car and go out there to keep him company.

I understand and am not ditching, but I'm feeling some concern. He's been pressing hard about his desire to "find a permanent partner asap" yet now that we're taking some steps toward building something that could possibly become that...in time...he's wobbling.

Very understandable that it's a back and forth process. And I'm concerned but not freaked. Just going to continue working on my own life and connect with him if it works.

But I'm wondering how in touch with himself, his needs and his actual capacity to form relationship he is. He's been "large and in charge" for so long, I'm not sure he can contain his desire to control things. And that's not something that's going to work for me.

I hope we can continue to communicate and compromise our way into something healthy. But I'm doubly glad I've had my foot on the brake, and have to some degree been containing my emotions. I no longer believe in throwing my heart over the bar because it backfired so much earlier in my life.

I am genuinely trying to lead with my brain and let my heart take whatever time it needs to know what's going to be right. Hope he can hang in there with that kind of process, but there's doubt.

That's it for now...I feel so lucky to have you all to write it out to. Thank you!

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
So, Hops... it's been 2 years since Mike passed. And he started withdrawing from me, almost 2 years before that. From my perspective - realizing that B & I are likely pretty different - every time I think I might "get back on the horse" and be more than friends with one of my "useful brothers" or some stranger I have yet to meet - something in me panics. And I back off like a flash... strewing excuses all along the way.

It's not like I haven't had many relationships with different types of guys... or that I fear intimacy... or even sex (altho' I am sorta conflicted there, still). So the only way I've been able to explain this to myself is that I still FEEL like I have a relationship with Mike. I'm unconsciously looking for, and reacting to echoes of Mike in other guys. That's my OCD I guess... trying to recover what I lost, that was so cozy and comfortable.

At the same time, my brain is fully aware that any new relationship is going to be with a completely different person - with a different balance sheet of characteristics. And that part of me is really intrigued by that opportunity and even the "danger" - maybe challenge is a better word - of taking that risk of things maybe not working out. After all, I can look back and honestly say there were things Mike could've been better at in the relationship, things he shouldn't have tried to do at all - but did repeatedly after I asked him to stop, etc. But it was the things he DID really well - and that no one else in my experience did AS well - that I'm attached to. Seeking.

It's just getting past that feeling that I'm looking for Mike again - maintaining a relationship with him in my emotional imagination - that keeps my public sign flipped to "not available", instead of "available".

No earthly idea if B could be going through something similar, but thought you might gain something from this... to explain what's going on for yourself. You already picked a gentle action-path that respects his uncertainty right now. It's a really good choice.

[I have no idea how or if, I'll move past this place - I've been too busy IRL to want to clutter it up with emotional stuff. But I still come face to face with the less comfortable side of solitude on a regular basis. So I expect at some point I will. No rush.  :D    ]

lighter:
Hops:

Sometimes when I read your posts I get a twinge of discomfort...... about... maybe this guy possibly, certainly not likely, putting out a cattle call for women to stand on their heads auditioning for a "part" he has no intention to fill.   

Now, that's not a warning, or my intuition.  That's one possible negative interpretation of a set of facts I view through, admittedly, very jaded/guarded goggles based on unfortunate past real life experiences.... one friend shot herself in the chest over a man in similar circumstances.  Like you, she was very smart, capable, and worthy.  The guy was freshly widowed, and playing the field.  Some widowed men aren't sweet, lonely dears who need another soul mate, IME.  Some are flawed, selfish, N's who think of women as apples to be plucked at will, just as they viewed women before they were married, and widowed, kwim?

So... whew..... I'm putting this out there just in case.... so it's on your radar, even if it's the farthest thing from the truth.  At least you have access to my filter, even if they're useless, and utterly wrong.

Lighter

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page