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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber.
It's helpful to read how another widowed person is reacting to new relationship notions.

Thing is though, B has pursued me very clearly and with enthusiasm. I do believe grief-at-holiday could be part of his sudden chilly feet, that makes perfect sense.

Right now I'm thinking it's maybe that plus a combo of things--or might not be one of these at all.

--frustration with my not being available for instant connection when he wants it. (He always asks, if I take an hour to return a call--"Did you have your ringer off again?". I have told him about 3 times that because two of my elders call me at any time of day or night and I want privacy from that, I leave ringers off. But I do return calls as soon as I hear a message. Ironically, he doesn't reply to my emails. So either way, there's a communication issue.)
--a sudden "turn-off" or loss of attraction (it happens)
--we have a date for him to meet friends of mine Tuesday, because we'd talked about doing that as a healthy next step. I've known quite a few men who express ambivalence about taking that significant step by behaving differently or less warmly.
--he still has some connection going with a different person that I don't know about (dunno, but he is driven to not be alone and has taken a very methodical approach to finding a partner)

I'm coping with this okay, because I don't feel panic or desperation to be certain he and I are moving all the way forward. If it's not reciprocal or positive or healthy, I do not want it.

But today, anyway, I am also feeling some frustration about his moves. I know he's relatively inexperienced in relationships. But pretending, avoiding, and evading are not going to help.

What I'm resisting in myself is becoming angry. It's not dire, but I do feel a bit jerked around right now.

xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I can understand feeling a bit angry. Perhaps if you can talk about that without BEING angry... he'll be more forthcoming about what he's going through right now. The other option, would be to simply bring up his hesitancy and what you're reading as uncertainty or something else. Ask him to clarify, best he can, how he feels and what he's going through.

That should give you a better "read" on things - whether he's honest about it or confused in his feelings or whatever else the case might be. But it's straightforward and not hostile or challenging. Obviously, that's a private conversation - LOL. But I do think it's good to introduce him to your friends in a relaxed setting. I hope that's enjoyable for you both.

Twoapenny:
Hopsie, there's a book you recommended to me a few years back (which I've forgotten the name of) but it's about relationships and in it the author talks about 'the switch' - a time in a relationship where one person (usually the one who has initiated and done the chasing) cools back a bit because they're at the point where things will change from dating to being in 'a relationship' and the brakes go on for a while.  Sometimes it means they call it off, sometimes it means they come back certain this is what they want.  But she describes it as a very normal part of a relationship and advises doing what you're doing - carrying on with your own stuff and just giving them some space.  I think keep in mind what you want because it feels more like you're waiting for him to decide what he wants?  Can you 'just' date without any other expectations?  Or do you feel too into him to be able to do that?  I think you can second guess the whys and wherefores forever (and never know for sure!)  Do you want to get married again?  Or is this more his drive to find a new partner?  Would you be happy with 'single' but a good friend/companion/someone to go to the cinema with type situation?  I think maybe put him to one side of your mind for a bit and focus on what it is you want - regardless of whether or not it's him you want it with - because it kind of reads a little like he's been setting the pace?  I might be misreading it?  But I feel like I'm hearing a lot of him and not so much of you?  I think maybe Hops needs to concentrate on Hops for a short while?  Which I know is not as easy as it sounds! (And I mean all of that in a nice way and not as a criticism :) ) xx

Hopalong:
Thank you both so VERY much.

Tupp, your post helped me articuate something. No, I am not just looking for a casual companion. I have quite a few friends, female, who'll keep me company for a movie or play or simple lunch or drinks connection. I value them enormously and am content with that. I am actually rich in that.

I do want a serious lifelong partnership with a man, and marriage. I am not looking for "company" but for "partner."

So that's clarifying.

PR, thank you. That was a calm and realistic take and it really helped. I think your insight that it's okay to FEEL a bit angry without BEING (acting out) anger is very wise. Plus, if the connection allows, just asking...and listening... is so sane.

What I value most, after my history, is reality. I'm willing to deal with what is, and if someone else doesn't really know what is real for them...then their confusion or ambivalence is a part of reality I get to deal with and make choices about.

I hope I get good news but then again, even bad news is good news if it connects me more firmly with reality.

Thank you.

I feel strengthened, no small thanks to you guys. LARGE thanks.

xxxooo gratefully,
Hops

Hopalong:
Lighter, thank you.

I know you posited one of the more brutal possibilities, but I want to thank you for doing that. Because it IS a possibility.

He's been an intense, competitive businessperson his whole life, and I think ruthlessness is one part of that. I do think one possibility is that he's doing exactly what you say.

I hope it's not so but I'm entirely ready to figure out that may be it. He was SO unnaturally methodical during the "job interviews" that I honestly would not be surprised if the truth were he's still doing it. His statements about "not dating anyone since I met you" -- have come only because I asked.

And I wouldn't say he has volunteered that clarity. And though I generally feel he's honest, I also know I'm capable of hearing that because I want to.

I can't convict him about that behavior at this point because I genuinely don't know. But the scenario you describe is one of the possibilities in reality.

All the more reason to find a balance between vulnerability and guarding my heart. And I do have more faith than I ever did previously in my life, that I have discovered ways to do that better.

Thanks for the reminder to be on balance, in my own dojo. I really appreciate it.

hugs
Hops

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