Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Hopalong:
B called today to confirm our plans, twice this week, to meet friends of mine.
Glad he didn't bail but at the same time, noticed that I felt drained by the time he was in touch.
Just not sure how much of the game I'm up for these days. Felt kind of detached and almost sour after speaking to him.
We've got many rivers to cross and though he may not realize it, his inconsistency (emotionally) recently had the effect of making me wanna RUN.
Huh. Pondering....
Hops
sKePTiKal:
The thing about solitude... is that no one else is allowed to have an agenda. When we become accustomed to solitude... and our own agendas... we don't want any interruptions. Because of other people's needs... their agendas. It's an effort to make room for that. And maybe a joy too?
Just postulating.
Hopalong:
It's good postulation.
For me, it's both resentment and resistance to the effort required, even though I think it's what I want. (Not B necessarily, don't know him well enough.) But I have a hard time inviting him here, resent having to tidy up. It's stupid, I know.
I think beneath the resistance is anxiety. It's quite scary and difficult to contain my anxious fantasies about his nature.
I'm trying to listen to instinct as his personality unfolds. I do not know what was happening with him recently but do know that it created unease. The "perfectionism" he's mentioned more than once as a core trait...I don't know how to integrate that into a vision of a happy relationship.
I fear he's on honeymoon manners. But I don't know for sure. If that withdrawal is as bad as he gets and he quickly gets through it, maybe I'm exaggerating. But...I worry about my own capacity to make good judgments in this part of life.
I'm talking myself through it but am surprised at how draining it is. Not sure it should feel that way.
Confused, confused. Will know more in a week, as two evenings with my friends are coming up. But I'm concerned about my hopes for a future partner clouding my sense.
Hops
Hopalong:
I'll just yammer on....
I am positive that my past hurts and romantic calamities are also a cue for some of the anxiety I'm feeling.
All this stuff is really, really reinforcing my desire to go sloooooooowly with him (or with anyone that I were dating). He is impatient, eager to get on to bed, to domestic shared life. I feel sympathy for him because he is lonely, and I know how excruciating that can be.
But dating me for two months just doesn't get me into bed or anchored to a shared domestic routine. Unfortunately (for him or anyone) -- my slim chances of finding a new mate are in great contrast to modern dating models (in which you're lucky if you can postpone sex to your second date, much less to your second month).
I'm sooooooo socially left and liberal that it might seem ironic. I was a round-heeled 60s woman, for sure, in my youth. But over my life (and the 20 years of thinking hard since my second divorce) the gradual, older-school approach to dating I was raised with, now makes a lot more sense to me.
A way to get to know someone more gently and slowly, over time, and in many different contexts, not just being alone together. (I LIKE sex and look forward to it becoming part of my life again. And the chemistry with B so far is good.) But I am willing to wait, and wait, and wait...for the moment when my concerns are allayed and everything inside lines up saying Yes. This man is the right person for me to trust, enjoy, and celebrate lowering my guard with. Then, va-voom.
I hope, should B actually be a right person for me to continue with, that he'll understand that too. He is a physical, athletic man (I do aerobic reading) and I am sure that the reassurance of renewed sex in his life is very, very important to him. I don't disapprove of that at all and in my past, my compassion and empathy for whatever a man is feeling would lead me to put their desires first.
I just hope that he can make that sacrifice. What I know about myself is that for me, sex is more deep than simply playful, so I'm making a deep commitment when I make that decision.
I was struck by a comment from my beloved, trusted male T. He said, well the best time to learn a lot more about what's in a man's heart is after sex. They feel relaxed and open then, and that's when they're likely to show you who they really are.
What hit me was that even he was thinking that my hesitation about getting into bed before I'm ready could or should be set aside. He has a point about intimacy (emotional) being connected to being physically intimate. Of course.
But what about my realization that slow courtship is safer and healthier for me?
Hmmmpghgjffkkgsgmgamlff....
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, you have just explained exactly how I feel about sex. I haven't been with a man - not even kissed - for nearly ten years now. I do have some hang ups with sex because of my abuse issues but when I'm in a good place, with the right person, I enjoy it and yes, I am hoping that one day I will meet someone that I really connect with and want to be with. Because I do think, when you've been through a lot of hurt and deep soul searching and a lot of time on your own and endured the loneliness and the aching to be held and really missed having emotional intimacy with someone - the sort where you know what they're thinking without having to ask and you can finish each other's sentences - you do get to a point where it really has to be good and special and feel right. And yep, for me, that would mean taking it slowly and really spending time getting to know someone. For me it's about feeling safe. I don't want to have sex with a man I can't be emotionally honest with and who isn't able to cope with me when I'm going through one of my bad spots. I don't want to have to hide the aspects of my personality I'm not keen on or worry he'll go off me when he sees my wobbly belly. I want to be past all that and know he's okay with it all and just feel like I can let go without being frightened. So yes, I completely understand your need to take things slowly and you should, absolutely, go at a pace that feels good for you. I think it's really important to get through these wobbly stages - with or without him, depending on how it goes - so that you feel really comfortable with the way the two of you are. And do you want a guy that can only show you what's in his heart after you've slept with him? Personally I want to know what's in there before. I don't agree with your T on this one (with the greatest of respect!).
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version