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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
Tupp, you GET it.

Thank you, so much.

What's funny is how this relates to your thread...I just posted a lot of thoughts about judging.

The only thing different for me now is how much I'd JUDGE men who were in a hurry before. Now I'm a lot more empathetic. I see him as a vital attractive older man who's very eager to reassure himself that he can continue to be vital with a woman. I get it, and I don't see anything wrong with him wanting that.

Occurs to me that something really nice I could give him would be to tell him, very genuinely, that I recognize he is holding back for my sake, and that it's not always easy for him. And that I deeply appreciate it. Nothing "sacrificial" on either part, but just that it'd be a chance for me to express compassion for his frustration, but without changing my own decision about what works for me.

Hmmm! Might try that out this evening, in fact.

Hugs,
Hops

Hopalong:
PS - I don't agree with my dear T on that, either. Though he's right about how many men feel...he was skipping over how I feel. I think I will talk with him about that and see how he responds.

One of my recurring thoughts, despite how much I value him, is wondering whether I might benefit from a female T. If I could find an experienced, wise, savvy woman...it'd be wonderful. I may check around. I've been feeling a little "stuck" with him but it's terribly hard to face. Because he is unquestionably my "safe space."

Many years ago, a male T urged me to kind of "hurry up and marry" my second husband, which turned out to be a disaster. The same kind of thing had happened...the T urged me to overlook my own anxiety/intuition about the fiance who was pressuring me (not for sex in this case, that was fine...but to set a date since he was pressuring me to marry). The marriage was a travesty and terribly destructive.

(Turned out that T was uncomfortable with me saying I was sexually active because he was religious and my sexual freedom made him uncomfortable. He admitted this, after I came back from my honeymoon shattered, asking him why he told me to go ahead and marry when I'd told him I felt I needed more time?)

I don't know what motivated my current T to suggest that after-sex would be the best time to get to know B. I am positive he would never consciously want to recommend anything harmful. (And he didn't push it at all once I indicated, No.)

But I do think I need to tell him this story about my long-ago T. Whew.

xo
Hops

Twoapenny:
It is funny how there are similarities between the two threads, Hops.  And I agree with your idea to tell him you appreciate him taking his time for your sake - acknowledges him without compromising you, as you say.

On the subject of female T's - I had two really, really good ladies and they gave me a lot of the mothering I never had.  That helped me hugely, to have a wise sage offering advice and non-judgemental support.  For me a male T wouldn't have worked; my issues with men would have just frozen me up.  But I have seen a complementary therapist for years, on and off, and he is around the same age as my step-dad and of a similar build.  I've seen him about physical problems so shorter appointments and no soul searching, but he's a very kind, empathetic, well educated man and he's been a great balm as well.  So yes, perhaps some sessions with a different T would help.  It would be interesting to hear whether a lady T would think the same as the male Ts have when it comes to your relationships.  But I think the approach you're taking is the right one.

lighter:
Hops:
I'm repeating this....

Making out like teenagers is the most fun. 

Also, a man who respects your needs and time table is a man who cares about your feelings as much as his own. 

What is his idea if relationship at this point, if not committed loving sharing of a life together?  I really want that answer....and what would your place be if not family....in his opinion?

::Going back to read first posts after this post::.

I'm glad you're mindful of not making excuses for this guy.  Lean into Discovery and acceptance of what you find, Hops.  I know there's expectation, but try to put it down as you can. 

A nice man won't pressure you about sex, IME.  Of course, anyone can be good for a certain amount of time.  Draw back, get some emotional distance, and notice if he cares about how
You
Feel.

Is he asking questions?  Are his eyes twinkling when you speak?  Is he listening or waiting to speak?  Is he planning dates YOU enjoy?  Does he care enough to make sure you're comfortable, and happy?  Or does he always seem to be working his own agenda as priority?

I notice that nice people are kind, even when they don't get or hear what they want from us.

Does he use humor when he's frustrated?  Does he want you to meet his peeps?

sKePTiKal:
Hops, I was going to read all the new posts before opening my mouth because I'm only capable of the cryptic right now (big, vague, fuzzy stuff rolling through my head that I can't "say" yet) - but -

I'm going to pass on something I told Holly, who was laying out all her thoughts/feelings/hopes/dreams etc re: a relationship to me. Actually it just fell out of my mouth, without forethought:

Don't judge yourself by HIS values/standards.

I *think* this is where a lot of the anxiety comes from about how our house looks, how we look/act during a date, and even how we think about the other person and being with them. And I think this is one way we tangle ourselves up about relationships.

It's a self-defense mechanism we learned thanks to our FOO. We were always trying to stay between the lines of THEIR expectations/values - even when it was never predictable - and that's how we learned to relate to "close relationships with other people". God knows, it's something I do without being conscious of it most of the time... and I *think* (presume, assume) we crave being able to "let our hair down" and just drop all that. I'm not entirely sure guys understand that "need" in women - nor what it looks like in actions and assurances.

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