I don't know how to thank all of you enough. Your experience, pragmatism, and observations of different perspectives on the same narrative are just mind-boggling. If there's any example of the cumulative value of the trust and intelligence shared (and increased) on this board...I nominate you!
Tupp, you pointed out two things that were hugely helpful. One, you caught me losing track of my self-esteem under the pressure of a new relationship. Dunno about the Marvellous Me wall
but thank you for your kind and reinforcing praise of what I've done well. I do underestimate my achievements and spend a bloody awful amount of time catalogueing my weaknesses. Thank you.
The other was the acknowledgement of his honesty. He had to be asked a very direct question before he answered unambiguously...but still, he did. And that is a good thing, regardless of how it ends up for us. I think future conversations will be easier because he made that choice.
Skep, thanks for reminding me not to obsess with the tick-boxes. And to be more present, and confident, while still changing things up while I observe. (I think one thing that accelerated my anxiety was thinking that once we'd started "making out" I thought he was ready to go straight to a kind of domestic dating...making food together, evening with movie, etc.) I am not THAT comfortable defaulting to that all the time because we haven't been in other situations at all together. Biggest thing we've done outside of each other's homes has been a couple dinners out, and a trip to a home store. I know how eager he is to get cozy and begin a semblance of shared life, but I need a lot more exploration before we default to that outline of every date. My T said it's important to see him in a lot of different contexts, keep observing...etc. After he gets back from his Tgiving trip, I'll come up with another kind of activity to propose.
Lighter, you zeroed in on the most problematic thing. I agree about the red flag of him making a negative observation with weak-evidence criticism of "hard spots." It was stupid and unfair and it did make me feel defensive. My biggest doubt about a long-term fit for us is that I believe his perfectionist, engineer personality means (or his comments have revealed...no disrespect to engineers) that he's almost trying to "spec" his ideal future mate. She should cook. She should be sweet all the way through. On the brighter side, when I challenged him on that on the phone later, he said he never should have said that and that he thought it was stupid.
Another positive-negative is that he's willing to answer difficult, challenging questions. Like, when I asked him what his biggest regrets were about his marriage, he acknowledged that his perfectionism hurt her. He gave that example of being unable to let her share in painting a room, except she had his approval to tape down the drop cloth, but not paint. He said he was afraid she wouldn't do it "right." And that she was really upset about it. (Understandably!). What I'm saying is I think he sees this about himself and regrets it (sounds almost OCDish). And, he admits to it. What I worry about it whether it's even within his control.
I also really like your advice to back off, be busy, lighten up, and not be too eager or always available. That shouldn't be a problem because I have trouble adding in two dates a month! After so much time on my own, making adjustments to make room for him is quite difficult. And I do have a lot of other things going on.
I don't know if he feels "interviewed" any more than I do, gotta say. It took him three "interviews" with transparent silly questions before he admitted it wasn't a job interview at all. And he still asks sizing-up questions more than I do.
About the marriage thing. Although the first time (early on) we had that exchange and he said he wanted a "permanent relationship" and I said I did too and for me, that means marriage...he balked a little. But when I gave my reasoning, he immediately seemed to respect it. Now it's a month on and he has changed his terminology. Now he said, "a wife or a permanent partner." I just took that as a sign that he's considering me seriously, and that includes remaining open to the possibility of marriage. I don't think he's manipulating, I think he honestly hadn't thought it through.
One important thing (and a vulnerable one) that he shared over lunch was how inexperienced he is. He was married for 40 years, and faithful. Compared to my round-heeled tally (which I am NOT sharing), there's a big difference. And in a way, that means he's a little naive. I'm touched by that.
We'll see how it goes but I wanted to thank all of you for these potent insights. I don't know how anyone could ever find better help in thinking things through.
With major gratitude,
Hops
