Season's Greetings and Thanks

[Twoapenny]

Morning everyone,

Well it's Christmas Day here in the UK.  I know for some it's lovely and for some it's the worst time of the year.  So whatever your situation and however you are getting through the day I wish you all the best for the future.  Thank you all so much for your support throughout the year; I really don't know what I'd do without you all.  Particular thanks to Dr G for setting this up and keeping it running and giving us this lovely safe, supportive space.

Season' Greetings, everyone, and I wish you all health and healing in the coming months.

Love Tup xx

[Twoapenny]

Wow, the day is grinding along!  We kept it quiet and low key, my son copes best that way, a few gifts, some food, we would have gone for a walk but the boiler broke so we had to wait for the repair man and it was dark by the time he left.  I have a filthy cold and keep getting a little burst of energy followed quickly by a near collapse.  It kind of feels like an enforced day of solitude.  Anyway, nearly done now.  I am hoping to get some sleep tonight, last night was bad!

[Hopalong]

Thanks and gratitude ditto, Tupp, and likewise need for endurance (boiler burst! Damn!).
Hope you get good rest, Tupp, and that the enforced solitude turns into peace.

Here's a long self-absorbed ramble to entertain you (hah). I'm lolling in bed, reading my brains out. Just ate scrambled eggs and greens with rice vinegar. Tasted like a feast (my pooch loves cleaning the skillet). Writing away, not doing anything much. Need to do a drawing which is to be my belated holiday gift to B. (I'm using a pointy wooden stylus and the scratch-off black coated paper with silver foil underneath. It'll be a portrait of a black standard poodle, like his. I'm no good at drawing without staring at something so will be copying a pooch photo I found online, with good lighting.)

Got a call from B with an offer to stop by on his family/sick friend rounds but I declined. Will look forward to seeing him later in the week but alone at home is, today, a nicer way to spend the day. I know being alone on Xmas inspires some to pity but for the most part, not participating in the holiday has brought me more happiness than trying to plug in. If you have family, Xmas makes sense (I do have close friends but they have plans, and those I'm closest to have been in touch in recent days). My very dearest friends are stopping overnight on the 28th, and B will join us for dinner. I don't feel neglected, just peaceful.

I like the quiet and lack of traffic and simplicity of this enforced low-activity day. Partly because it's like so many of my days! It really is nice though, to see cars disappeared from the street.

I'm noticing I'm not depressed. Feel better in the world because of B's interest (problematic though it can be). Today is very sunny and I'm savoring that, even though I haven't gone out. I told him on the phone that I feel happy today and he has a lot to do with it. He said I have everything to do with the joy in his life and called me "Sweetie." Well, gosh.

Another reason I might be feeling better is that two nights in a row now, I've taken a medication I reluctantly went to a doc in search of. I knew my sleeping schedule was extremely messed up and that it could have to do with depression (wanting to be in bed all the time). I personally can't tolerate SSRIs or their side effects. But I also can't f*ing go to sleep on my own, and the problem was intensifying with 4am sleep time becoming nearly routine. Can't do a job or be in the world very positively that way. I remembered years ago I was prescribed gabapentin for my significant RLS (restless legs syndrome). I went off it during a period when I felt over-medicated and just wanted to get off everything prescribed, and basically did. (Except for Ambien which I used since the years with my mother.)

Since I do have recurring nerve pain (and increased flailing legs at night when my back is upset), I mentioned that drug to the doc, and he thought trying it again was a fine idea. It's off-label for sleep or depression but anecdotally, has helped many with those issues. So I'm taking about 1/6 of the common dose but noticed immediately that I got to sleep and felt more awake and normal when I woke in the morning. (The not being depressed is situational, as one wouldn't respond to an anti-depressant in two days I'm sure. The depression I have is mostly exogenous, I think. Daughter, money, futureworry. I'm just not interested in regular antidepressants, at least now.)

Posted a comment to the NYTimes about agnosticism that made me happy. It was in response to an opinion piece/essay about faith vs doubt.

That's about it. Lazy as usual and avoidant too. But I guess that's my Merry Christmas to me!

Love, peace, endurance, courage and hope to every one--

Hops
PS--Happy Hannukah, Doc! May your huge menchitude bring you peace and joy every day, always.

[Twoapenny]

That sounds like a really nice day, Hops, and I'm glad you got some sleep.  Our day has been fine - this is the first year I noticed that I haven't felt a deep sense of loss at not having family to spend the day with.  I would like to have someone special in my life, though, that felt very clear to me today.  I've kept it quiet so as not to overload my boy and it seems to have done the trick, he doesn't look as tired as he did this morning so hopefully we've made it through without him having a big crash over the next few days.  I did get quite bored this afternoon but that's as much to do with feeling so rough I didn't really have the energy to do anything much.  But yes, this was definitely the easiest Christmas for a long time.

[lighter]

Happy holidays, guys: )
I'm​ happy to count you as friends. 
Hugs, and Happy New Year to you all.

Thank you, Doc G for keeping this forum alive. 
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I also did quiet & peaceful - except for Christmas Eve. Holly flew home and there was some back & forth with her, about her party and of course, getting past the due diligence date with the difficult beach house buyer.

I still miss Mike; it's still sad - but NOT overwhelmingly so. I haven't run ragged cooking, baking, decorating... in fact did almost nothing, this year. Because I was too busy to shift gears into another state of mind. And that's OK. After Thanksgiving, I WANTED my peace & quiet.

It's really amazing that we've had this board so long and have been able to keep the Amazon's Yule log going all these years. Overall, we're in a better place re: the holidays as a group than I can remember from the past.

Here's to Dr. G and many more years!

[JustKathy]

Christmas was pretty much a non-event for me, which is actually a good thing, though the holidays have become a very "weird" time for me (for lack of a better word). Emotions up and down, but generally in a better place.

With NM out of the picture, there's no more anxiety over what might be arriving in the mail. Co-Father has finally given up on the obligatory Christmas guilting that he continued after NM's death; no card, no gift this year. I really thought he'd follow the orders of his dead queen until the end, but it looks like he's now being controlled by a new N-queen. In a creepy-weird plot twist I never saw coming, it appears that my sister has completely assumed NM's role in his life and is controlling his every move. I have a feeling that, just as NM ordered the guilt cards sent, sister has ordered them stopped. NM wouldn't let me go NC, while sister appears to be enforcing NC. She's closely guarding him, or more likely, guarding her newfound position as sole heir.

I have my sister blocked on Facebook in order to stay hidden from sight, but do take the occasional peek at her page from an anonymous account. I have some theories on what may have brought about such a drastic personality change, but it would make for one VERY long post. Still, I may write it all down when I get a moment. The short story is that she's lost to me, and isn't coming back. It looks like NM got inside her head in much deeper ways than she ever did with me. I guess I should feel lucky. I'll always be damaged goods, but it could have been so much worse.

Hops, I'm glad to hear the gabapentin is working so well for you. I've tried that one a few times for my recurring nerve pain, but just can't tolerate it. I'm also struggling with sleep issues, but yesterday my psych gave me a new medication, hydroxyzine. She said it's basically prescription strength Benadryl. I'm going to try it tonight, see if I have any success with it.

Happy New Year to all of you! Even though I don't make it here as often as I'd like to, I'm forever grateful to have this group. I ALWAYS feel better after visiting this place. Thank you to everyone for your continued friendship and support, and to Dr. G for making it all possible. Much love to you all.

Kathy

[Twoapenny]

Christmas was pretty much a non-event for me, which is actually a good thing, though the holidays have become a very "weird" time for me (for lack of a better word). Emotions up and down, but generally in a better place.

With NM out of the picture, there's no more anxiety over what might be arriving in the mail. Co-Father has finally given up on the obligatory Christmas guilting that he continued after NM's death; no card, no gift this year. I really thought he'd follow the orders of his dead queen until the end, but it looks like he's now being controlled by a new N-queen. In a creepy-weird plot twist I never saw coming, it appears that my sister has completely assumed NM's role in his life and is controlling his every move. I have a feeling that, just as NM ordered the guilt cards sent, sister has ordered them stopped. NM wouldn't let me go NC, while sister appears to be enforcing NC. She's closely guarding him, or more likely, guarding her newfound position as sole heir.

I have my sister blocked on Facebook in order to stay hidden from sight, but do take the occasional peek at her page from an anonymous account. I have some theories on what may have brought about such a drastic personality change, but it would make for one VERY long post. Still, I may write it all down when I get a moment. The short story is that she's lost to me, and isn't coming back. It looks like NM got inside her head in much deeper ways than she ever did with me. I guess I should feel lucky. I'll always be damaged goods, but it could have been so much worse.

Hops, I'm glad to hear the gabapentin is working so well for you. I've tried that one a few times for my recurring nerve pain, but just can't tolerate it. I'm also struggling with sleep issues, but yesterday my psych gave me a new medication, hydroxyzine. She said it's basically prescription strength Benadryl. I'm going to try it tonight, see if I have any success with it.

Happy New Year to all of you! Even though I don't make it here as often as I'd like to, I'm forever grateful to have this group. I ALWAYS feel better after visiting this place. Thank you to everyone for your continued friendship and support, and to Dr. G for making it all possible. Much love to you all.

Kathy

Aw, it's nice to see you, Kathy I'm glad your Christmas wasn't as triggering as usual and that the card didn't arrive, although empathise with your situation of sis stepping into mum's shoes.  I think money is a huge motivator for some people (I've just had a friend go through a lengthy probate situation after her mum died, during which she discovered her mum's brother, who was also her business partner, executor and had power of attorney during her final years as her health deteriorated, had fleeced a small fortune from her over the years, including a couple of properties from their quite extensive portfolio that he just helped himself to!  It really can bring out the worst in some people).  But I hope the lack of contact helps to soothe some of those old wounds; for years I found Christmas was all about ripping the scabs off again but I have to say this year was really not too bad

I hope the sleep issues resolve.  Lack of sleep is my worst enemy, I think, I struggle all day without a decent night's sleep so I really feel for you on that one.  Hope it improves soon and a very Happy New Year to you, too   Lots of love xx

[JustKathy]

Thanks so much, Tup. Regarding my sister, I think the motivator here is power, not money. Co-Father really doesn't have any assets, other than his home, which is nice, but in a rural area with limited value. I think the change in her is really about power and control.

Of the three children, sister was the only one who never escaped NM's manipulation. She allowed my mother to control every aspect of her life, from her school courses, to her college major, her career, her car, her residence, even her social life and love life (or lack thereof). NM made sure she was completely alone and dependent on her parents, well into her fifties. It looks like she suffered in silence all those years, and is now settling the score. Some of this may be revenge against NM, but also revenge against her GC brother (who was spoiled rotten and wanted for nothing), and revenge against me as well. I'll write more on this later, but I'm seeing signs that she may have been extremely envious of both myself and my brother for most of her life and just kept it all inside.

Last year she went to Comic-Con and had her picture taken at the "Game Of Thrones" display, sitting on the iron throne, dressed like Cersei, wig and all. She has the most condescending look on her face. A picture is indeed worth a thousand words.

[Twoapenny]

Thanks so much, Tup. Regarding my sister, I think the motivator here is power, not money. Co-Father really doesn't have any assets, other than his home, which is nice, but in a rural area with limited value. I think the change in her is really about power and control.

Of the three children, sister was the only one who never escaped NM's manipulation. She allowed my mother to control every aspect of her life, from her school courses, to her college major, her career, her car, her residence, even her social life and love life (or lack thereof). NM made sure she was completely alone and dependent on her parents, well into her fifties. It looks like she suffered in silence all those years, and is now settling the score. Some of this may be revenge against NM, but also revenge against her GC brother (who was spoiled rotten and wanted for nothing), and revenge against me as well. I'll write more on this later, but I'm seeing signs that she may have been extremely envious of both myself and my brother for most of her life and just kept it all inside.

Last year she went to Comic-Con and had her picture taken at the "Game Of Thrones" display, sitting on the iron throne, dressed like Cersei, wig and all. She has the most condescending look on her face. A picture is indeed worth a thousand words.

I get what you mean, Kathy, I guess a lifetime of feeling powerless can make you overdo the power trip when the opportunity presents itself.  There are so many ways that being messed up can manifest!  Years ago (when I was ranting away on Facebook about my abusive step-father getting away with it after the police refused to investigate), someone emailed me (someone I'd known from years back, not a close friend as such but just someone from the past, as is often the way with Facebook) and said the best form of revenge is a life well lived.  It is probably one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given and from that time onwards I've tried very hard to focus on making my life as happy as I can instead of trying to get my own back on other people.  My mum is the opposite, spends so much time trying to hurt those she feels have wronged her and it seems your sis is in a similar situation.  It's very sad but at the same time I'm glad you're not on that same path (even though I know it all hurts, none the less).  Happy New Year to you, and I hope 2018 is a good one xx