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End of the Road Farm

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sKePTiKal:
LOL. I seldom get truly "lonely". But yes, I now what you mean... before, I'd have said I never get lonely. 2 hours? Piece of cake - since you've not met him face to face yet. And probably don't know yet if you want to. You might surprise yourself what you might be willing to do - for the right relationship. And who's to say he wouldn't be interested in being the one to move? BUT YA HAVEN'T EVEN MET YET, kiddo.

Present moment thinking, Hops. What is NOW... not "what might be". I think it'll help when things do come up. For the time being, you're figuring out what you like/don't like... and I think doing that with the goal of marriage - always there - puts too much pressure on you. You're looking for a best friend more than anything else this go-round so just start with that "target" and see if that works.

I also like that we talk about this openly. Between self-doubt, old fears coming back to haunt us, the trust issues (both of ourselves and others), and KNOWING we have aging bodies... oh vey! This is way worse than being 16. LOL. But look how far we've come! Taking chances on enhancing our lives... wow! I think I'll look for a slinky purple polka-dot dress, come hither shoes & hat... and start the painful process of core training. LOL.

They call me..... Bobcat Woman. (Sounds better than cougar.) My superpowers are attachable/detachable. Meet "Rock & root Grapple", Auger, and Pallet Forks... and "Bucket". LOL.

Hell, I wish they'd just call me and whisper sweet nothings some times. LOL.

I wish I knew when my knees gave up the ghost. It took all DAY to paint a really small shelf, that's been on the list waiting till I had nothing better to do. Today was that day, thanks to MORE RAIN. I had to grab a folded towel to kneel on. I'm ready to break out a rain suit and try to mow and plant in the rain. It's not like my yard is anywhere CLOSE to looking like well-tended sod.

sKePTiKal:
I need to spew all this out - get it off my head and hopefully, that'll let me maintain the boundaries I'm trying to "mind" and not go all Mama Bear - Tiger - Dragonlady - Berserker Viking.

Holly & Matt are unravelling in a giant hurry. I'll spare y'all the complicated back & forth reasons why this, that & the other thing has caused Matt to form a narrative of their relationship and Holly in particular, that has convinced him she's a liar and has probably cheated on him numerous times. Matt got home before she did on Friday - and the puppy had chewed part of the journal she was using to work out a lot of her relationship feelings, on her own while she was crewing the sailboat over the winter. Matt of course read the bits of paper - and proceeded to read more of the journal as well.

That has fueled this particular delusion of Matt's that she has/is/and is going to cheat on him (fear-insecurity based) yet AGAIN. It's not the first time in the last 8-9 years they've been together. And it's definitely NOT TRUE. Holly spent Friday night with a girlfriend so she could attend one of the "end of production" parties with her co-workers; left it open if she would come out here for the weekend. Matt wanted to her to go away - so he could "think". Friday night, they did talk and he said she could come back home now - but she'd been drinking and spent the night away as planned, anyway. She went back Saturday afternoon. She said initially he was calm, and they talked about things rationally.

And all day yesterday he was back to yelling at her, asking for the ring back, just having her around makes him pissed all over again, and he said she should be looking for somewhere else to live. She has been letting him get this out of his system... and not engaging with him. And he's said some truly off the wall things to her - that are way out in la-la-land. Still, she's staying centered. Finally he left because he couldn't be around her anymore... so she called and we talked. She can't talk to me with him around - very small house; and I'm obviously the devil. (Not the first time for that either.)

She DOES have places to stay; obviously she feels like her feelings aren't safe around him - but has to remain in Baltimore for work for at least another week. But she is GOOD with this being the end of the relationship/living arrangements because whatever this script Matt has in his head - he's been trying to force her into - reliving some past experience he had. Neither of us knows what that might be, except for a previous girlfriend, but I recognize the signs. Did it myself ya know. And I think there might be something prior to the girlfriend that's stuck in his head. Holly's OK with this ending - because she's been trying to get this to work for years and providing ways for Matt to participate in the relationship - and he doesn't. I guess that's scarier for him, than living out this script/pattern again. It matters NOT to him, that there is nothing going on for him to be angry about. He believes there is; she's a liar - lying about cheating on him. And NOTHING has EVER happened like that.

My advice was to leave before he gets home, if she can arrange it (has laundry to do) - so she can let her thoughts and feelings calm down - and obviously not be there as an irritant to escalate the situation anymore than he is trying to do - before they go to work tomorrow.

Then, she will need time to regroup and process things out of her head... and with the work situation not having an easy transition to a new schedule... figure that out too. She can come here. But it's not definite that she will. She has money to do whatever she wants at this point. But she's a lot calmer than I am about this! Rational too.

I'm going to bet he unconsciously calls her by his former girlfriend's name before all is said & done.

Holly knows she can't live with constant emotional abuse - or with someone who's not emotionally accessible to her. But she's been trying to engage Matt enough rationally that the lightbulb will come on, for him, that how she feels in this circumstance matters too. Two-way street kind of thing. And she had grown so much in the process that she's not freaking out. A little worried she'll internalize his criticisms of her and believing them... but I reassured her that I thought she'd grown past the point that this would happen. The only time he's like this - is when something triggers this script in his head and Holly's journaling of whether she wanted to continue being the only one working on the relationship triggered it for him - again.

Only a pro can fix this with Matt working hard, himself. She can't be objective enough - and it isn't her job really - to help him fix this. But she sees it too. She has limits to what she stand, too. But she doesn't want to experience that. She's said several time in the past couple years that she's already pre-grieving the relationship's end. So she's way more clear in her own emotions and feelings than I've ever seen her... about something that is intensely emotional for her.

I keep telling her she's doing good. I'm confident in her "toolset" for dealing with this. And that the things Matt is saying are not true. Just so she hears it. Where things go from here - is all going to be up to her and she can't even deal with it until production and her job end. It's just physically, logistically not possible. So, until Matt becomes rational again it's just better for her not to be there.

lighter:
Oh, so sorry to read that. 

I'm not surprised they're at this point, but still.... very sorry.

Holly needs to get herself clear of that anger, and process, as you say.  She's tried her best, and done what she could... it just isn't working. 

It made me extremely anxious to read Holl would BE subjected to anger, and false allegations with zero way to address the truth.  There's nothing for her left to learn through this..... it's just time to go, IME.

If you need to be big bad scary viking mama bear, then you BE that, Amber.

You have my permission.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Thankfully it's not needed this time Lighter. The littlest Viking has grown up - and she's not angry at all; more relieved that they now how something real between them - ironically enough, that there's no way forward with the relationship.

She won't revert to self-destructive tendencies; won't go off the deep end. I'm really proud of how much she's learned about herself, processed about the past, and worked her way to being mature and adult about things like this. The only thing keeping her from being completely whole - was Matt's criticism of who she is. (no, I never told her that. I didn't have to - she's a quick learner and learned a LOT from her few months of therapy.)

She said it's a relief; and in more ways than one. She has to make decisions about work that Matt was getting in the way of. She has a ton of friends and a network of coworkers. She knows that she can come stay with me as long as she wants - but she may not want. So, I'm standing back and letting her take care of herself. She's staying with a really good friend.

This has been YEARS, literally, in the slowly agonizing, life-negating making. It'll be a couple days before she realizes she can breathe again.

sKePTiKal:
Phew. That's better.

As "mom" - and witnessing some (not all) of this behavior and how Matt targeted Holly's biggest weakness/trigger points for self-doubt - and watching it all escalate the past couple years - I was always worried about how this would end. Because it was abundantly clear, that Holly was out of patience for for being alone in a relationship and being on the "child" end of a parent-child "correction of thoughts, feelings and actions" regime... and not feeling SAFE to just be herself around him.

She just dug in her heels, and wasn't going to end it herself -- and then have to deal with Matt making it "all her fault". She knew leaving was an option; but she didn't want to leave him - because she did enjoy being with him, when he wasn't stuck in running his "script". We talked about double binds, some. She was clearly relieved to come out here alone and just throw off all the paper mache bits & pieces of behavior that Matt insisted on... and just re-connect with her real self. Breathe freely.

I believe Matt could fairly easily resolve his issue. He's smart, insightful, intuitive and - except for the script - he is kind. But he's refused every and all suggestions of going to therapy with Holly. He thinks it's a GREAT idea for HER, mind you... because her values are (according to him) "wrong"... and her personality even... isn't "right" either. So, I've been the sounding board all these years...

and have been emotionally close to the situation. Right up to the edge of the boundaries... tightrope walking it. Holly is WORTH IT... because I've watched her grow out the abuse she took from her Dad, over the Amy situation (he finally recognizes it after all these years)... get out of a "fatal attraction" marriage... and survive on her own and become a well-rounded, giving and now, growing wise woman. My mom role has always been to just give her the space to BE HER and try on things, grow out of them, make her own decisions and choices.

And I know the lengths that frustration and anger can drive her to, when she's trying to control those intense emotions and "do the right thing". There is a reason she's always been known as a "force of nature". So I've been on edge for a LONG TIME... wondering how this part of the Holly & Matt story would play out. I can stop holding my breath too, now.

-----ETA:

Yep; just heard from her. She's says: that after 9 years of hearing him say "I can't live like this" (whatever that means)... and her loyalty (and honesty) isn't good enough... then F you. She's sorry his feelings are hurt, but she's not responsible for them... and she's tired of jumping through hoops trying to be good enough to be loved for herself - and him always finding fault with it. Some of the things he's said to her, that I've witnessed... are the kind of things not even a PARENT would say to a child, because it's so invalidating.

I think she found her inner Viking again.   ;)

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