End of the Road Farm

[Hopalong]

I've GOT to get one side of the barn graded

The only word that gave me pause in your entire post was this...I've. 

Y'all are such JOCKS! So...errr...manly! (In the best way.)
Said with deep jealousy by fluffy Hops, sitting in her puddle of pudge, contemplating how she's reaped the fair reward of living from the collarbone up for too many years now.

OOF. To get myself back in minimal shape is going to take a year or two. And I can't tell you what an inspiration it is to read about you real Amazons believing, unintimidated, that you've GOT to do some phenomenally concrete, real-world, quite challenging physical thing. What IS that?

I'm feeling faint. Pass me a Mimosa. But, seriously, thank youse!

Yours in awe,
Hops

[Hopalong]

PS, Amber-- Is this about age or about being female, or both?

You ain't going gently into that good night, I can tell ya that.

I so like your feisty.

Same time, really REALLY hope you guess well and with positive acceptance about the natural thresholds of sensible self-restricting ability compromise that do come, just part of nature, etc. etc. Live long and prosper, please! Do not be killed by a Bobcat, 'mkay?

xxoo

[sKePTiKal]

Hopsy, did you know I rode my own motorcycle - in Baltimore and surrounding areas - for 3 years? LOL. I did quit riding while I was accident-free. Other things I wanted to do.

It's my competitive streak (and that spark of feminism that says skills aren't male/female), that makes me determined to conquer these so-called "manly" things. It's my living alone - sans the compromises of adding a man to the equation - and my age that requires I use the proper tools for the jobs that need doing. It's not all that intimidating a piece of machinery; less so for me than a tractor - but equally as useful in my up and down terrain (very very few actual "flat" places Lighter).

And it's the "I can'ts" in my head that make me figure out a way to do these things. I had to essentially cull through the manual - which is encyclopedic - and highlight pertinant information to create my own "order of operations" and task-related controls (applying the info to what I wanted the machine to DO) cheatsheet. It fits on an index card. The manual was disorganized too. The actual starting up procedure was 100 pages in. Who thought that made sense??

I still had one issue yesterday which required a trip back to the house for the manual I forgot to take out with me. And it turned out the instructions/photo were useless anyway. But I figured out what I needed to... got the bucket securely re-attached, scooped a little dirt, raised the arms and dumped it... and I was going to back up and make another pass. SUCCESS. When it wouldn't go anywhere.

The cab/seat restraints (for safety I get that) are such that I can barely SEE what the machine is doing. The operator needs to rely on "feel" instead. I was spinning the wheels and burying the machine in the mud. But I went the opposite direction, got it in front of the barn, shut it down and am now waiting the for monsoon to stop and the ground to dry out enough that I can get back on this task. So my frustration/patience thresholds are in inverse correlation to each other right now.

But yesterday's session gets me over the hump, I think. I'm functional for now. I need to go slow. I DO need hours on this machine, to really get used to it and to see the ROI in concrete terms of work completed. But I also have other things on the "list"... and a lot of days deal with being torn over which one is more time-sensitive or important.

Lighter - all I'm trying to do is create a grade AWAY from and lower from the barn, to direct the runoff that's been coming down for two months away from the building. Right now, anyway. So, a swale that's lower than the dirt/slab at the barn to channel these downpours somewhere else. Probably end up needing some drain pipe too. Once that's down... I'll level room for a drive up to the the big doors and terraces for actual garden beds.

This is a bigger project than could be done in a timely fashion by hand tools. So that's why the bobcat. This much rain is highly unusual here even this time of year. (We're 5 in above normal so far; flooding is a problem now too.) But the silver lining is that I can SEE with my own eyes, where I'm going to need to plan to direct the water around the beds (so they don't wash away) to take advantage of what rain we do get in dry years... and let the beds drain well enough that my garden doesn't drown.

I'm earth scupting. My first really big 3-D art project... that has to function well, too. Haven't studied a blessed thing except the dirt right there and am following the basic principle that water seeks the lowest point to travel to... and my intuition. I DID miss the elevation change when I sited the concrete slab. Big mistake, too - and since the house we built in the 90s was in the same kind of situation I really should've noticed this. But I was in a big hurry. Hence the mistake that needs to be fixed.

With this much acreage, I'll get my use out of the bobcat over the years for various ideas that play around in my imaginative mind. But I'm still going to need actual men to come cut trees for me. The bobcat has an attachment that will load the logs on a trailer or truck... get it to my wood splitter/storage area. Two main elements I'm trying to design this place for -- the inevitable aging issue on my part, and self-sufficiency off grid - just in case. I'm not so acsetic that I'll forgo the basic modern conveniences until I have to. The wood stoves help me manage the propane usage (high cost) too. They're modern stoves and efficient in several important ways.

Timing is still everything. When the monsoon woke me up this morning, I realize I was REALLY glad I did the window/door replacement LAST YEAR. The guys would barely find a day they could work in this mess - and the rain is slowing down the power to the barn project even. I've even had to carefully time my online shopping because my road/driveway have taken a hit from all this rain. (But I'm glad I got new beefier tires on the Cherokee before it started.) Driveway part 1 is done; but I need to stay on it and find a window to start getting it gravelled. Flooring downstairs is supposed to happen in July; I don't have a tentative date for that yet...but I'm clearing stuff out of that space in-between other stuff that has to happen when it's NOT raining.

[Hopalong]

Day-YUM.

I am poleaxed with awe. And respect.

Overwhelming drive, creativity, determination and RESULTS.

Truly Amazonian, and inspiring..

Wowzers, profound wowzers.

Wheesh.

So enjoyed this, Amber.
(I missed competitive genes entirely but love hearing how they work!)

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

When you think of becoming more active, think in terms of getting your heart rate up for 20 seconds... however you do this.... then rest for a minute, then up for 20 seconds, then rest for a minute, then up for 20 seconds, then call if done till you do it again 2 more times in a week. 

What is that?  Less than 10 minutes a week, for sure.

Also, if you do it an hour before you eat anything it will rev up the hormone production... growth hormones, etc. 

You might find that eating twice a day, whatever calories you take in, suits.  Or three, or one, but not more than that since it drives up insulin and keeps you burning what you're eating.

If you let insulin levels drop off, you're body switches to burning your stored energy reserves, and this is the key to keeping off the weight, and not gaining it back.

Fewer meals, no snacking is how cavemen lived.  It can work for us. 

Amber:

You motor cycle driving Amazon, you: )

Fearless in so many ways.... of course you can master this Bobcat. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Fearless isn't quite true, Lighter - LOL. But I am finding myself in situations where I either TRUST MYSELF to figure things out and learn to do them, or I give up and delegate it to someone who's more familiar, stronger, does it all the time. If I DO trust myself - then I break things down step by step so I don't overwhelm my silly brain and send into a tizzy.

I'm hoping one of these days (soon) I can get my basic "chores" down to something that's a lot more easily managable. And these projects are part of that strategy. Ain't getting any younger you know.

I'm also finding that emotionally - I'm still needing quite a lot of down time. As in read a story all day long or just try to remember all the things on my "procurement" list and maintenance lists. That cocoon of comfort and no stress is still really important. I think I'm having to just "stand still" and feel secure, safe, and nothing "pressing" that can't wait a day or two. Bed early; sleep long; enjoy the peace & quiet... without letting it slide into restlessness or boredom or lonliness. Me dealing with me and trying to learn those limitations Hops was talking about.

Trying to get to know MY needs, the signals for when I need to give them attention, and trying to make ME as important to me, as all the things I do. This is still the main work in progress around here. Also sorting out the routine; evaluating it's effectiveness - wondering which change might catalyze some energy towards the whole list of "goals"... that are/have been put aside for other things. Trying to reinterpret my inner world and ability to read those "signals". There has never been time to do that; just to see it was something I needed to do.

ETA: I think I'm trying to figure out how to improve my relationship with my self. Many times I'm at odds with myself, negotiating, bribing, flogging my self... pulled in two directions... because I'm not used to treating that self, as if what she wants/needs MATTERS.

And I think that's a wrong way to be, for me & self, now.

[lighter]

Riding the motor cycle.....
fearless. 
I couldn't do it. 
I wouldn't. 
You did.

Fearless.

::nodding::.

That motor cycle riding Amazon is the one who climbs into the Bobcat, and she's wiser, and mindful these days.  Deciding what to pick up, and what to put down takes guts too.  Esp if you set your mind on something, and then have to re think it.  That's how I see it. 

About what you wrote, Amber: 

ETA: "I think I'm trying to figure out how to improve my relationship with my self. Many times I'm at odds with myself, negotiating, bribing, flogging my self... pulled in two directions... because I'm not used to treating that self, as if what she wants/needs MATTERS."

"And I think that's a wrong way to be, for me & self, now."

IME that kind of judgement can be counterproductive.  I don't say change anything... just add some curiosity, suspend a bit of judgement, and release a skosh of expectation while you're pondering maybe.

 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe there's some judging in that Lighter - because I stand there paralyzed in trying to decide which makes the most sense, is more important, or more efficient use of time. And end up doing nothing because it took too long to gather the momentum to get started. That annoys me, for sure. But mostly I'm just noticing it. It's partly because of unfinished projects that I want to move along... and regular chores... and having the weather impact my choices, many times. Too many times.

So I "give up"; say screw it... and don't do anything.

I think I documented the source of this... the futility of trying when you're just going to be criticized anyway no matter what you do or how you do it... years & years ago. Knowing the source doesn't help me know the way out of the paralysis. What I end up doing - is satisfying one of my "want to" tasks instead. In this case, weeding the big front bed. Waiting for the ground to dry up enough to get back on the bobcat; and mow again.

Once that looks decent...I usually work up the motivation to mow. If it doesn't rain again... or isn't 90 and excessively humid.

[sKePTiKal]

So I'm almost done with that bed, and it now looks semi-civilized; not a pasture of weeds anymore. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be cooler and less humid -- and the end of the week/weekend are going to be beach weather; and probably social things too. Grandson turns 10 over the weekend.

I'm deliberately forcing myself to try some different routines. Working early in the day vs the heat of the afternoon. Playing online in the evening and NOT CARING about what's going on in the world unless it's going to directly impact me and letting those dramas (like tv shows I've never seen) play out without me knowing about them. And substituting reading for playing online, too.

Holly's feeling the full impact of being untethered coming at her. No house, no relationship, no job. I asked if she felt like she was falling... and yep; that struck a chord. Now I have to suggest that instead of flailing, she flap her arms and fly. She's been turning over some interesting new stuff that she's trying to pursue... including cute houses in safer neighborhoods in the city.

She and Matt are actually getting along a lot better since she's agreed to move out. LOL. I think in the process, she's reclaimed her independence of his way of thinking/doing/being etc... and that's helped generate that line of respect for each other that seemed to have disappeared. I would not be at all surprised that after a time away from each other, they might try it again. But mom has butted out, and will remain that way. She's always been an independent cuss - but also quick to make attachments with other people. She just needs to sort that kind of thing out for herself and learn to understand exactly what I will eventually be passing on to her... and the other kids.

She's also of an age, where she's not willing to trade off the life she's created and the people in it, willy-nilly, for something silly. I keep calling her a kid, but at 40 she's a lot more mature than some people I know at my age. I think she'll be glad to see 41 come along... this has been a rough year.

[lighter]

Go Holly..... what comes next will teach lessons, no doubt.  About Matt... he'll be nice enough, long enough, that they may try again.  My experience with that is.... everything is fine, great even, till a sensitive topic (read that as anything real) comes up, then whatever tape plays in Matt's head likely pops up, sometimes with a vengeance, and things go back to exactly where they were.  Hopeful, and sad, but oh so familiar.  I remember irrational accusations that had nothing to do with me... mostly accusations of being critical.  The reality was ex criticized ME relentlessly, mindlessly, without understanding he couldn't even SEE me.  Whatever it was, it was his, and I didn't feel the need to figure it out. 

On the other hand, IF Matt goes to T, and IF he addresses his part,  he has a chance of building a super strong bond with Holly going forward, whatever they do with it.  I'm always amazed at the strength of relationships that weathered huge hard storms, vs relationships that haven't.

About the farm jobs.  I hate thinking of you feeling frustrated, and paralyzed.  I ask myself this when I'm on the lip of feeling those things... WILL this matter in 100 years?  The answer is almost always NO, and that helps me find perspective. 

Lately I'm playing with FEELING paralyzed, or not.  Not is better.  Not opens up creativity in ideas, and approaches.  NOT, most importantly, is a much improved quality of life.  My moments can be light, and productive... even if I'm contemplating the HOW or WHAT of a job.... I consider that time productive time, and so it is.  It's not being paralyzed, bc I don't look at it that way, and should it venture into paralysis..... I then choose between seeing it as negative, or positive...
I'm paralyzed THIS IS BAD!
vs
I'm taking some down time. I must need it.  Things will be clearer bc I'm taking it.  All will be well.

And in 100 years...
will it matter?

Nope.

But in these present moments, it's all the difference in the world.

Lighter
ps  I'm living with the same wet crap weather you are, and it's been a job not to come out of my skin waiting for the sun to parch these damn weeds.  When that happens, I know where to start, though I've never done it before. I'll figure it out, then go to the next phase, whatever that is.  Do I have to make my leaf islands bigger?  Landscape with more rocks?  Call in a professional to help me with that lay out?  I have no idea, but I'm trying to trust, and believe, rather than look at it negatively.  And watching these weeds take over perfectly plush moss garden is....
not easy.  I also struggle with the next phase of the Ocean Cottage, and how to proceed there.  Waves of anxiety come and go, bc I assure myself I'll figure it out, and I'm certain I will. 

Part of this is just not caring what others think about my choices, and actions.  Honestly, there's magic in finding that place, and it does come and go.

[Hopalong]

I remember, with each of my two divorces, how surprising it was that once the decision was made, all tension evaporated. Peace in the house. It was a sad transition but so much tension and anxiety just went away, even while we had to cohabit until the waiting period was up.

I'm glad Holly is finding similar relief. And for her sake, I hope they don't reunite. I'm sure M could learn lots in therapy but it sounded to me as though it's a personality type issue, and that doesn't normally get rewired without massive motivation.

In my case/s, the sudden drop of tension did re-awaken some affection that had been lost. But it never made me/us question the inevitability (in my case, also the rightness) of the decision. It is a mercy that I never confused "it feels much better now" with "let's undo our decision."

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Word to the wise:

If you own property, and ever sell it to someone else... PLEASE sketch up a map of how the utilities run underground! I'm having the devil of a time trying to get things marked out here - so that I can plan out fence and plant the rosebushes that will get huge.

Miss Utility only marks from the pole to my transformer (and that meter) and DID mark from the pole to the meter for the barn. Now the electrician knows where NOT to dig to actually run the line from that meter to the barn. (Assuming it ever dries up enough for the bobcat work; got rain again yesterday - enough to reverse the drying process.)

I want to fence around the house, so I can keep a dog inside of it... and probably a compost pile and chicken coop down the road. Miss Utility says to contact power co to mark lines from the transformer to house... I call them and am informed they no longer do that - Miss Utility does; and then I'm told to TELL Miss Utility that information and have them come back, for what I want. I've been at this for 6 months now... so I was more than happy to do that. This time, I'm told that if that's the case, I'll have to hire an electrician or special "locator" service. SIGH...

Gas co guy was out yesterday (in the rain). His idea of marking things was to swing his arm from the location of the tank... to the garage/studio and again, to the house... where the regulators are clearly visible on the outside corners. But he WAS on site when the garage was built; and remembers the trench. He believes that the water line and power was run in that one trench... because uphill is an exposed rock ledge and then the house. But he did say that he's pretty close to me, and to just call him the day I start to work. He really didn't like the idea of me running the auger on the bobcat with Holly helping "aim" and steady it. So I'm STILL going to be guessing where to set fence posts. Even if I hire someone I can't tell them more than that. (I'm totally unsure where the water line comes into the house... my best guess is in the same vicinity as the gas/power which are visible. I'm going to try metal detecting that line; the gas line will be PVC so not detectable.

And it's going to be too danged hot & humid the next few days to do anything outside myself. THIS is why this year's projects are taking so long. I probably wouldn't so frustrated, if I hadn't been planting raspberries at the beach and cut one of the low voltage wires with my shovel. Never did get that lighting working right after that. It was a perfect spot for the berries - WHO KNEW there was a wire there? LOL. Took two hours and a couple phone calls and two guys to find the septic tank down there, to pump it out. When I had the break here - in February - I couldn't tell the plumbers where my tank was, how the lines ran, etc. Took them 4 hours until 11:30 at night in the freezing cold to scope all that out... and of course, it was old and no longer to code.

I guess I have SOME satisfaction in that I'm rectifying all these unknowns... and mapping them. Keeping the map with the surveys, too.

[lighter]

Good Lord, Amber.  I remember the time it took to figure out where my buried gutter lines emptied into the woods.  I can imagine what you're going through.

Utilities are so... scary.  You don't want anyone getting electrocuted, and what a huge PITA to repair them, worst case scenario.  An electrician electrocuted himself at a condo property, when I was the President of the Association, years ago.  Oy.  Such anxiety!  Gives me the vapors thinking about it.

I still need a new D box for septic system at this house. The entire area has failing septic systems, hence... no eating what you catch from the pond in the woods.   

Because you talked about low voltage lighting, I just flipped the light switch to the shed to see if the Christmas lights (I left up all year) still operated.  All but 2 feet lit up.  Darnit.  I really hoped I'd get 2 perfectly lit seasons out of all that work, and I now see I won't.  Drat, and darnit.  I should have taken them down, but another neighbor still has his lit, so...... it gave me the courage to leave them.  I'm sure he calls them fairy lights, at this point.  Oh well.

::shaking head::.

Can you ask the the sellers if they know where the utilities are?
Any help would be a good thing, IMO.  Maybe there's a diagram somewhere?

If it's not one thing, it's going to be another. 

While I was dealing with a blown pressure reducing valve, a friend was struggling with hers in another State.  Neither of us understood the problem, or knew the other was struggling.  We could have saved each others appliances, nipples in the shower, and garden hoses had we known what we were dealing with.  If you encounter increased pressure, put together a list of all plumbing problems and leaks, and call a good plumber, ladies.   Have him set the pressure valve where you want it, then leave it alone forever, as touching it will make failure more likely.  They don't come with any guarantees, and they're expensive. 

 I wish this rain would stop.  On the upside, the moss in the forest is magical.  It's all around the trails, and usually there's hardly any in these woods. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I had asked for information like that at closing Lighter. I got a handful of manuals for things - and that was it. Seller told the realtor they had to figure things out the hard way - so the basic checklist of things I asked for weren't ever delivered. They're probably out of the country by now.

My plumbers are on speed-dial. LOL. As is the electrician. As much as he's been here, I probably oughta feed him. I've found markers I can sink into the ground (to mow over) that will mark all the various runs... once I figure it all out. I can kind of see the long mounds (opposite of furrows) that run in as straight a line as possible from point A to B, where the trenches were dug. They're visible to me, because when we built the first homestead in the 90s - we did all that stuff ourselves. The confirmation is me simply being nervous and not wanting an "oops" where someone gets hurt.

This is the LAST thing I need to nail down before I update my map. I'm going to try the metal detector; it might not be strong enough - but the contractors are supposed to bury some tape that will signal - along with the utility lines. At least now a days, they are. Chances are it wasn't required 20 years ago out here.

The heat is here; afternoon storms probably too. So I'm piddling around inside, getting caught up with housework. Might try to finish my beds tomorrow morning, if it's reasonably cool. But the bug bites (yes, I spray myself with two kinds of repellent) are making me crazy too.

[Hopalong]

Hope my small hedgerow new shrubs are smart enough to grow their roots past the gas line when they are developing. They were planted just about a foot away (it was marked) because it was the only place to put them beside the neighbor's driveway.

I think new roots can figure it out though with their smart cells..... Pipe, bleaaggh, nasty.