Go Holly..... what comes next will teach lessons, no doubt. About Matt... he'll be nice enough, long enough, that they may try again. My experience with that is.... everything is fine, great even, till a sensitive topic (read that as anything real) comes up, then whatever tape plays in Matt's head likely pops up, sometimes with a vengeance, and things go back to exactly where they were. Hopeful, and sad, but oh so familiar. I remember irrational accusations that had nothing to do with me... mostly accusations of being critical. The reality was ex criticized ME relentlessly, mindlessly, without understanding he couldn't even SEE me. Whatever it was, it was his, and I didn't feel the need to figure it out.
On the other hand, IF Matt goes to T, and IF he addresses his part, he has a chance of building a super strong bond with Holly going forward, whatever they do with it. I'm always amazed at the strength of relationships that weathered huge hard storms, vs relationships that haven't.
About the farm jobs. I hate thinking of you feeling frustrated, and paralyzed. I ask myself this when I'm on the lip of feeling those things... WILL this matter in 100 years? The answer is almost always NO, and that helps me find perspective.
Lately I'm playing with FEELING paralyzed, or not. Not is better. Not opens up creativity in ideas, and approaches. NOT, most importantly, is a much improved quality of life. My moments can be light, and productive... even if I'm contemplating the HOW or WHAT of a job.... I consider that time productive time, and so it is. It's not being paralyzed, bc I don't look at it that way, and should it venture into paralysis..... I then choose between seeing it as negative, or positive...
I'm paralyzed THIS IS BAD!
vs
I'm taking some down time. I must need it. Things will be clearer bc I'm taking it. All will be well.
And in 100 years...
will it matter?
Nope.
But in these present moments, it's all the difference in the world.
Lighter
ps I'm living with the same wet crap weather you are, and it's been a job not to come out of my skin waiting for the sun to parch these damn weeds. When that happens, I know where to start, though I've never done it before. I'll figure it out, then go to the next phase, whatever that is. Do I have to make my leaf islands bigger? Landscape with more rocks? Call in a professional to help me with that lay out? I have no idea, but I'm trying to trust, and believe, rather than look at it negatively. And watching these weeds take over perfectly plush moss garden is....
not easy. I also struggle with the next phase of the Ocean Cottage, and how to proceed there. Waves of anxiety come and go, bc I assure myself I'll figure it out, and I'm certain I will.
Part of this is just not caring what others think about my choices, and actions. Honestly, there's magic in finding that place, and it does come and go.