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End of the Road Farm
Twoapenny:
Aw Skep, I really identified with a lot of that, I think parents failing to protect leaves us with shaky foundations. Combine that with a deep seated need and desire to be loved (again often there in spades if it isn't easily come by in childhood) and a people pleasing attitude (that so many of us have) and yes, it can cause all sorts of problems.
But I think you're dealing with it the right way. You're aware it's there. You're aware that hoping someone turns out to be as nice as they seem is okay and part of being human. You're aware that not everyone is as nice as they seem so you sensibly checked things out and avoided the car crash. All of this is good. Personally I think I've got to a point where I'm accepting that bits of me are damaged and so I just have to put a bit more work in to live my life with those damaged bits in place. I do experience what you describe. I'd love a happy ending. I'd love to meet a man who makes all the crap I've been through worth it. But I am careful not to let my thoughts run away with me when I do meet someone (in the flesh or online). I suppose it's knowing where your own line is between day dreaming and hoping and denying reality. We all have to find the point that's comfy. I think you're doing just fine :) xx
sKePTiKal:
Thanks! I swapped pictures on the 3 sites I'm on. There was a better one than the one I initially used. I huffed a bit about the "auto-renewing subscription" on 2 sites... so I'm good for a couple more months yet and on the 3rd, I just didn't subscribe. I'm getting awfully tired of the gotchas in how people do business. At least they backed down and let me subscribe for 3 months at a time.
I've sent out a couple of messages and gotten a couple. Invariably, the guy's messages are overly-lovey-dovey... as if we already have a relationship. I guess they THINK this is what women want? Or other guys have said this is what they should do? I got news for 'em...
if someone I'd just met started talking to me that way face to face, the only reaction he'd get from me is terribly sore privates and probably a hand print on his face, as he bent over in pain. So I think I'm just going to have to accept that they need a little "training" before even considering housebreaking them... UNLESS I find one who can mind his manners a little better.
I'm trying to get better at looking for that in the self-descriptions. Someone who won't presume that a message is a full-on green light to jumping in the sack or marriage... and that I'm so emotionally "needy" that any attention or sweet talk, will cause me to swoon. (That's also to help keep me from swooning, actually.)
Twoapenny:
Ha, that did make me laugh, yes, the whole 'this is how you chat up women' thing leaves me cold, I prefer gawky, awkward correspondence to be honest, because it seems more real - if you're showing your true self then most people feel a bit shy or unsure to start off with, I always feel that 'lines' are just that - trotted out to anyone that will listen and I assume it's a scattergun approach (if I say this to ten women one of them's bound to say yes!). Perhaps I read too much into it or am just a bit long in the tooth now :)
Anyway, your approach sounds good, Skep, and I think Hops' advice re swopping a few messages and then getting together for a coffee is good. I've probably been on a dozen dates with men from internet dating sites over the years and I think only two have been the way they appeared via their pictures and emails. It's funny how people come across differently in different mediums. Anyway, good luck and keep us posted :)
lighter:
Ok...that assumption instant intimacy has been established is sort of how dd15s xbf started out. She told me he skipped the part she was looking forward to. It's sad bc he just has zero idea how to DO slow, funny, gentle getting to know someone. I know he'd do better if he knew how.
Does anyone think a toad can be hidden by these poor dating habits? I'm thinking it's possible, but geez..... unlikely.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on February 23, 2018, 09:40:33 AM ---Ok...that assumption instant intimacy has been established is sort of how dd15s xbf started out. She told me he skipped the part she was looking forward to. It's sad bc he just has zero idea how to DO slow, funny, gentle getting to know someone. I know he'd do better if he knew how.
Does anyone think a toad can be hidden by these poor dating habits? I'm thinking it's possible, but geez..... unlikely.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
I think it's possible, Lighter, I think there's so much 'social programming' that we're all conditioned to think is what or how we're supposed to be in all sorts of situations and I think people generally present a certain side of themselves initially, for self protection perhaps? To be honest I'm really hoping I meet someone in a non meeting kind of way, just through doing an evening class or something I take my son to, because I think getting to know someone (to a certain extent) in a non dating way is better than setting it up as a possible romance from the beginning - I just think there's a pressure to it that makes both sides act a little different. But I've been single for more than a decade so I probably shouldn't talk about dating at all lol :)
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