Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
End of the Road Farm
sKePTiKal:
Well, there is an opportunity in the situation for me to work on one of my long-standing "problems", if she does stay. But it's fraught with the implication that I need a "minder", or am aging to the point that someone needs to keep an eye on me.
And there isn't any problem with us being able to communicate - even when we do rub each other the wrong way, we're able to talk it through and actually accomodate the other. So.... we're thinking, discussing, she's reflecting - and so am I.
Hopalong:
The things I'd hate most (even if I had a wonderful D and excellent communication with her, that was not fraught or exhausting) would be:
1) I'd resent her for becoming my inevitable "minder" as age does what it does
2) She'd resent me for hampering her opportunities to move on in her life if they appear (but not admit that to herself or to me)
Again all in hindsight, and from very different family experience...were I to design my perfect old age it would include frequent visits from my wonderful completely free children, but...my daily independence/assistance with same would come from my hand-pick of a good, solid, honest, reliable and kind-hearted person who is not my relative.
xxoo
sKePTiKal:
Well, we're kinda talking this through our way - which is one of us will say something, and we drop it for awhile and each go think - and then come back and talk again.
She FINALLY found an older jeep this weekend, for winter transportation. And both of us realized that what she decides to do, is going to be a series of smaller decisions... leading up to what she what she ultimately does. Like, right now, she can deal with being at my place this winter. Or even make my place her "headquarters". Even if she gets temporary (like 6 weeks/6 months at a time) in the city. She has friends with an airbnb in the city or can sublet something. She's been looking for a jeep and missed a couple, for over a year.
I think we might be able to wing this - but it's going to require me to actually SAY what I think I need/want out loud. And not "just do". Which is not a bad thing in and of itself. I've been alone for about 3 years now. And she is definitely NOT the hermit/homebody type... so I will get some downtime alone too. We can co-exist in silence and peace & quiet... so I'm pretty sure my "issue" is all me. And why it was so easy to choose the hermit route.
It's an adventure; a journey. We'll just go one step at a time.
Hopalong:
I know you'll find your way, and if the path gets rocky, you'll just get on your baby dozer and plow it smooth!
((((Amber))))
love,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
LOL. I want to do exactly that Hops. But rain, rain still won't go away more than a day at a time here.
I'm realizing that some of our scratchy, too hot, heavy wool type moments is just "all me"... they consist of "the easy way out" coping mechanisms for interacting with another person and living around them... and I no longer have the "fresh widow's excuse" of needing space to just feel myself alone, "robes of dignity" to wrap around me, that only the intrepid, insensitive and rude would dare breach. And that those robes were fully capable of trapping me into a total surrender and giving up, and "letting be" the most ascetic, repetitive, and DEPENDENT ways of being.
No, I couldn't see it. Told myself a bunch of BS that made it "OK" to continue it. It was way too close to what I felt I "deserved" for being me to see it. And I am aging; and I was a caregiver for many of the last 10 years putting other's needs/schedules in front of what I needed and wanted. So, Holly laid down an ultimatum before going on her road trip. If she was going to accompany me to the shop and start getting involved in the business stuff, I had to finally make a doctor's appt and see what - if anything - might be my health issues that could be corrected before it was past the point of correcting.
When she makes those statements, she is fully prepared to back them up. And angry at me, to boot, for weaseling out of it over & over again. Putting her in the position, that Mike put me in. She knew I knew it, too... and let her disapproval be fully felt. Not because what I want doesn't matter - but because she knew I could do this and not be a weenie about it... and choosing NOT to do it/face it was NOT the mom she thought she respected. :shock:
Yeah, we do those kinds of things for each other. Makes the little stuff seem really little, and petty, and not worth being irritated over.
So, I went. And the doc totally surprised me. He's a damn leprochaun!! Bright carrot-red hair, big glasses, about a foot shorter than me. I doubt he's as old as Holly. Only thing on the list that's bugging me, is he wants to check out a heart murmur. But he DID let me talk; and DID hear me about my previous invasive (and to me) traumatic heart procedures. When we talked about smoking, I saw that the med profession's strategy has changed... so I was able to let him know how much research I've done into the psych/neuro addiction feedback loops and my conclusion that I needed to address that first in any quit attempts this time.
BP was way normal this time; a little white coat elevation but nothing like it used to be. And it's so fun to see the shock on people's faces when I say I don't take any medications. So, when I get back from Michigan, I do the last gyno stuff EVER... yay... and the test he ordered to check out the heart murmur was an echocardiogram. That won't be such a big deal or physically traumatic. All that can happen at our little hospital here; they're connected to the big med system over the mountain... where Mike's D works now.
We talked about lifestyle modifications too. So I have some "hope" to be able to follow through with this guy, if he sticks around. He didn't treat me like a non-human being specimen. It's a good start. Maybe my friendship with the online doc has helped me deal with my "flee" reaction some, too. But I'd be lying big time to everyone, including myself, if I didn't admit that this heart murmur thing really bothers me and scares the bejesus out of me.
On the other hand: it lays down the law, just Hol's ultimatum did, about what I NEED to do for me and face and deal with - ie, resolve and settle not just come to terms with - and start putting one foot in front of the other and DOING IT.
No more excuses or BS or exceptions.
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