End of the Road Farm

[sKePTiKal]

I'm going to just babble out some random things that have been floating through my head. Dunno if they're connected or not.

I'm perceiving myself as being "stuck", because there's just not a lot of physical activity going on here right now. (Going to try to change that today.) I have some big ticket items to shop for and haven't done it. I have the money; that's not the issue in why I'm just not doing this. I've asked the "big brothers" for input too... since these are machines that will help me do what needs doing here, even by myself. I think I'm doing the "conditional thinking" thing again. And dominos.

I can't just proceed to buy what I need, until I take care of some big ticket items I've been discussing with Matt & Hol... and until they sort their situation out... I can guarantee that those items, aren't even on their radar. This is all in my head & feelings mind you. And it makes no sense rationally. But because both pieces of equipment are traditionally "guy things"... I think I'm really put off by trying to wade into that with little to no experience. (I am doing my homework though.)

I think I can trust myself to buy seeds, right? Well, apparently not. The stack of catalogs and the list of things I eat are sitting on the coffee table mocking me.

The job of moving things and tackling the last "mikey pile" was supposed to get done over the winter. More dominos... deciding what I needed to store things; what things I could store in the barn; that made sense to be there... instead of somewhere else. It took a LONG time just to get to the point of putting shelves together.

I can't decide if I'm being lazy because I'm tired; some of the decision-fatigue lingering on... or if I am actually resisting work, because I don't "like" it... or more correctly, if the inner little girl doesn't "wanna". I feel like I need/want to just sit around around like a lump... and not even think. I thought maybe I just need sunshine - but it was a little chilly & windy yesterday - and that just saps my energy. I perceive... that I'm just not able to step up and do, what I want done, because that seems to validate that a) I'm really alone and b) I don't matter... as much as the people I'm trying to take care of. I'm doing the essentials... and those mundane chores have become anxiety-laden as I attach overmuch importance to when they actually get done.

I don't EVEN think I can look at any of my lists, plans, timelines... much less the legal stuff I need some time to digest and ponder over. I'm so anxious about whether things are happening in the "correct" order... sigh.

I guess I'll take another round of Vit D, again, until it decides if it's really going to be spring or not. I'm not exactly depressed... more apathetic than anything else. And right now, that feeling - or non-feeling - has the upper hand. It's probably because there are still things on the list, that didn't get done...that need to, for me to give myself permission to play in the dirt. And that need to connect to people... seems to run counter to the need to "be in my body" and "do work at a comfortable pace".

I hope next week's massage removes whatever "sludge" this is and gets me up & moving again.

[sKePTiKal]

MAYBE...
I just need ME to really NEED me, to start SOMEWHERE and keep on going. Maybe this is another level of working on trusting myself again. One of those non-verbal pre-cognitive things that have been there forever... and I should be thinking about connecting to me, what I need, and how to go about it.

AND take a week's round of Vit D.

LOL.

FLAILING.

[sKePTiKal]

OK, a month of sending "getting to know you" notes back & forth to the viking... with a week long hiatus there... and he JUST last night called me "dear".

LOL. Maybe we're both gun-shy. Love our space - to a degree. Hmmm. Hmmmm.

[lighter]

Amber:

Guilt sucks.  Throw it down the hole, and just DO something you love.  Order seeds....or read reviews of seeds....or....
paint.  Just pull out the paints and create.  Without judgement or should or have to anything.

Or sit quietly, and know that's what you need to do right now.  Down time is part of life and cycles and busy time comes round and round again.  Always does.

Resistance to accepting cycles just mucks them up, and draws out the parts that frightens us, ime.  Embrace the static time, and ask it why it's here.  Fold yourself into it's arms, and find comfort there, if you can. 

Stop resisting.....

Get curious.

You're doing great.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

This morning, the "thing" on my radar... that has me pinned down is the danged impossibility of trying to plan for the future. (Probably a shifting target because there's more than one thing.) Impossible - even for Viking Shield Maiden - because the waves of change going on "outside" in "greater life" - are still shifting around and not settling down. The number of variables that are "uncertain" are increasing not decreasing... and require elaborate spreadsheet managed formulas.

But I did make a start on the mikey pile yesterday. Only worked a couple of hours; the wind started to pick up again and standing on concrete wears me out - along with the difficulty of "space management" and trying to have room to spread things out enough to "sort". Found my company parka, though. Rated for cold Michigan winters... which I could've used the past 2 winters here. If it still fits. (Working on that too, at least in my head.)

And in the process, forgot the clothes that have been in the dryer for 2 days that need folding... and to bring up some more wood to split. But, talked to electrician - and he'll make the next step in getting power to the barn next week. Other business taken care of. A couple local shopping things to do... and a big one, over the mountain.

The ranger really needs a bath but I need to start early on a warm day - and that won't be for a while yet. Holly's been quiet. Sent me a tiny house link made from a smaller grain silo. Very functional for one or two people and cute, too.

I am debating about fence. My deer have wings & springs in their legs and sail right over anything that isn't at least 6 ft high. A fence that tall feels like the Berlin wall to me. (One reason I liked being out west - no fences.) Fencing the garden area would be easy - because it's location. And I could use the fence to grow vertically. I have smaller animals to keep out too. So I think I have to redesign that whole idea. Fencing around the house is a bigger issue. It's probably going to require at least one or two - maybe more - gates. Just because of the patios and decks.

So that's going to involve some pencil/paper again.

[Hopalong]

I hope the planning is half the fun....even when plans have to change.
End of the Road Farm just sounds amazing. I still enjoy thinking of the LR...loved that pic.

My farming involved finally getting a gardenia that I dripped water in all winter in its wee plastic-cup hothouse until the leaves smooshed against the top. Into a pot. (The getting.)

Uh-oh. Brain not in yet, clearly.

Farm on! Dear.
I'm happy you have some nice vibes going with him. Any phone talk yet?

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Not yet Hops. (I'm thinking I might make a 1/2 pot of coffee extra today*). I kinda seize up in cold-feet fear about even suggesting the idea and he hasn't yet.

So much old crap kicks in, when I notice that we are just casually strolling along in kinda biographical, but carefully edited chatting, until it kinda seems like we've always been together. And then, I imagine actually talking face to face... and I'm terrified and thinking: RUN....

It's been closer to 2 months now. I think I am now a total coward about this process. And that is a brand-new experience for me! LOL. I am usually the one throwing caution to the wind... but then the process started (back in dinosaur days) face to face. I think he's already figured out that I talk incessantly when I'm nervous. LOL.

*I've already hauled wood and split kindling for tonight's cold snap. I was up early - and I always feel better on that schedule rather staying up late. It's OK, if I read in bed... but the tv/puter has to get shut down. And I've started a week's Vit D boost. It's helped that the daylight is lasting longer now, but I haven't seen much sunshine... and being stuck inside, just kinda doing nothing except pretending I'm doing something by clicking here, then there, just isn't cutting it.

[lighter]

Amber, where are your paints?

[sKePTiKal]

Oh lord, lighter! I'm not at ALL interested in throwing color at canvas. Looking at the one blank canvas that I've had for years and years... is like a mirror that can see deep into me. Matt suggested the only thing I do to it is sign it.

I have dirt, trees, and rocks to play with. Only time I'd make a picture of it, is to tell someone else the idea in my head. Pencil is a lot easier to correct when I change my mind.

Had a turkey hen come visit the other evening while I was on the porch.

[Hopalong]

Is it Albert's girlfriend?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-2ArXHYWg0

Sigh.
I bet you could tame and make friends with all sort of amazing animals...

 

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I just wanted to say that I am now on day three of being a lazy bum and I can't even be bothered to summon up the energy to feel guilty about it xx

[lighter]

Yay yay!

No guilt.

Guilt sucks!

[Hopalong]

All right, Miz ((((((Lighter)))))).

You can dish out that kind self-care, self forgiveness, self mercy.

Make sure you take it, too, especially now.

You deserve this.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Ma Nature needs some hormones to even out these "mood swings".

Monday night, I had (I think) the last fire in the woodstove. It's all cleaned up, just in case.
Tomorrow is going to be a lovely spring day - 73 I think they're saying; sunny for a change.

Fri & Sat look to be full on summer temps - like 84 already - before a cool front on Sunday brings more rain (and mud). I will not be shocked to see more snow on Mother's Day this year. The 15th of May thru Memorial Day is supposed to be our "last frost date"... but years ago, Mike made me a quick set of pvc frames for supporting plastic covers over my raised beds. Still have those.

I'm ordering truckloads of dirt & compost by the end of the week. It'll be a couple weeks before they arrive. I need it for my kitchen beds - and anything left over will start the garden area, or go in the holes for berries, rose hip roses, or fruit trees.

[lighter]

Ah, Amber... reading your post made me weepy.  I love that you kept Mike's covers for your raised beds. bi I love that you're planning, and ordering, and getting ready to be busy in the dirt.  All that rest, and being still will pay off "hugely."  I just know it.

It always does.

Hops..... I gave in to self care with everything I had when I surrendered to the moss yard.  It's glorious!  I walked it this morning, and I can see my sister's been working very hard.... also put some kind of little mole chase away solar powered sticks in.... not sure what they do, but suspect they vibrate, and whine a bit.  The damage they did over the winter was pretty bad, kicking up dirt and frozen moss that will dry out and blow away if not patted back tenderly with care, every inch. 

My runny right nostril is reminding me to tend to care with food choices.   Wheat and dairy make my nose run constantly... not a lot, just enough that I rub a little rough spot in place.  A reminder that little things do matter, and deserve attention to.  Self care deserves attention.  I don't even want to think about the sugary choices I've been making.

::nodding::

Rose hips, berries and fruit trees!  YES!

Lighter