End of the Road Farm

[Hopalong]

Amber, do you accept aging farm interns who are only good for sloth-paced weeding and can't lift anything over 20 pounds?

Your projects in the dirt sound like heaven. Or like you're the rural planner for heaven.

I am still dithering over four or five blueberry bushes because I want to chose mid-Atlantic natives and don't know which ones would be right. Much less where to order them, what size is affordable but not stupid. Any nursery suggestions? Mail order?

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

For blueberries, try Musser Forests and Stark Brothers. (I still haven't ordered a blessed thing except the rosa rugosa yet. I "need" raspberries... but I got amazing rootstock from the Mother's Day plant at the State Arboretuem in Boyce, VA years ago. I tried moving one to the beach. No luck.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Amber.
I'll check them out!

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

So today, I'm supposed to go look at a wood cookstove that's for sale. It sounds like it's in pretty good shape except for the water reservoir. I'd like something like this for my outdoor kitchen, but I'd originally thought about building something instead. Sounds like an interesting story behind it - continuous use throughout the seller's whole life, so I haven't quite decided if I'm even going to go look yet.

I'll probably go buy a wood splitter and do the grocery run first. I can tow the splitter with the jeep.

The electric to the barn project is one step closer to happening. I need to get Ronnie's brother & equipment out here to start working on the driveway. Ronnie called me and said he might stop by on the weekend. He didn't. This weekend's going to be a lot nicer.

Yesterday was massage day - she used hot stones this time - and oh my; I had to sit for 10 minutes to get back into my body enough to drive. LOL. I picked up shelves & brackets for the laundry room project that's kinda been on the back burner. That's something I can do myself. I took the time to look at a new washer/dryer set too. Debating swapping the gas dryer for electric; electric's cheaper here for some reason.

Before I left the big city, I drove out to the biggest farm/construction equipment dealer in the area. I have a quote for a skid steer, and 3 useful attachments that will let me sculpt my landscape and do the work that needs doing, all by myself. They deliver and run over the controls with me. Yes, it costs as much as a good sized tractor... but the tractor is too big for me, and the spaces I have to work with and I wouldn't use a tractor as often. I need to decide soon. I need to decide soon - I have logs to move/split... paths to make for my kitchen garden... a truckload each of topsoil/compost that the nursery guy wants to schedule since the supplier couldn't get into his site due to weather so far. I'll need the bucket on the skid steer to fill the beds I'm building. It's a big investment, but my budget can handle it... and it lets me work by myself and not mess with dealing with someone else. It'll let me rearrange my rocks without killing myself.

Day before, I stopped at the flooring shop and have a date at the end of the month, for someone to measure my downstairs so I can have an estimate on how much to rip out the old carpet and put down something practical for how I use the space. Once that's done, and if the laundry room can get done too... I can replace the appliances then. This and shelving lets me finally work on insulating the half of the garage I'm going to use as pantry.

Then, I'm going to build a wood shed... split/stack wood all summer... and somewhere in there, order seeds, plants, plant them and think more about fencing. All this involves finishing the domino of the mikey pile in the garage. And getting access to my big woodworking tools, and having the space to use them. Oh, and getting the consulting forester out and a reference for someone to cut some trees down into logs for me. If I can't get Ronnie & his guys to do it.

[sKePTiKal]

I started testing the water with the Viking (former) rock & roll'er.

I observed how our messaging back & forth sounded like two old married people... and nary a flirt to be seen. Cozy, comfy, not scary at all. Said it was kinda silly-funny, given he's owned nightclubs, been on stage... and I never had any problems flirting or attracting attention when I was looking for it. Mike was a notorious flirt.

His reply is that he's still giggling over my description of what we're doing. And he hopes to meet me in person. So I told him when I plan to be up his way. And that I might have Holly riding shotgun (and doing a lot of the driving - she prefers to drive). He has some recent pics. Yep; old rock & roll'er... or even biker look. But, he's a family man. Met his wife - her name was Amber too -  and it's been 15 years since she passed. He's had a couple relationships but not been "in love".

There was just something about his pictures - old and new - that I felt we could have something in common. Finding out he's a tomato grower and makes his own sauce... well. And he does like the beach... so there's that too. He's counting me a friend for now. And that'll do. For now. It's just nice to know he's still looking to see if I've sent him a message. Guess it's time to exchange emails. He'll be "quarantined" for a bit to a special account I use. I think; I'm feeling pretty comfortable with him.

So, it's all going very slow. And I got no problems with that. He doesn't seem in any hurry either. Low stress really works for me.

[Hopalong]

I'm really happy that you've got a grip on slow and low stress with Mr. Viking!

And that you'll get a chance to meet.

Why not? (That's the only bumper sticker on my car....Why not.)

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Why Not is one of the BEST questions in the universe! (The answers vary a lot more... LOL)

[Hopalong]

Thought I'd respond over here to your new tidbit about the Viking, Amber.

When people show you who they are, believe them.
Something I learned somewhere was, you can get the most important clues in the very early stages of a relationship. Before a deep bond forms, they reveal themselves. That "screening" opportunity has to fight against the pull of loneliness.

Whatever Viking has sent you that caused a quick hit on Pause, please trust it.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Fear not. This is the female with "flee" hardwired into her brain, you know. I did relay my opinion to him, about what he shared. Let's wait (till the weekend likely) to see if he responds to that.

So far, I've noticed that when I ask questions - he doesn't answer them. The message format there isn't very conducive to holding a conversation, and he is usually about to fall asleep in his chair when I get a message. I'm not going to try to mind read.

So I'm not terribly emotionally invested in this "conversation" at this point. Still going very slowly and mostly talking about things that he can't identify me with. And vice versa... although he has been little more forthcoming than I have.

Good luck today Hops! I don't think you'll have any problems with this T and imposing his values on your solution. People that do that, serve a much smaller clientele. I'd be just as wary as you - and for many of the same reasons. But you've got this.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, words. Words are inadequate sometimes to accurately convey what I'm trying to share.

That said, I'm aware of "being" in a different emotional/head space these days. Almost, as if it's one of the 5 stages of Grief... that isn't even listed. Done with processing the feelings and the life "to-do" list, except for that one Mikey pile. And I still miss Mike, it's not like I can make 15 years of my life with him, disappear. It's not like I divorced him or that we're separated by choice.

It's just life. These things happen.

I'm more a whole "me" than I've been for a real long time. Not a perfect enlightened being mind you... I still have my flaws and scars and "radar warnings" that can go off in my head and either send me into hiding or awaken the Viking Shield Maiden.

Been grappling with the "importance" issue some lately. About feeling important enough to take care of myself (which I've been doing anyway), or take the first steps to solving the puzzle of being in my 60s and wanting to create a self-sustaining farm here. And how badly do I "want that"? Where am I going to compromise about being "off-grid"? What makes sense and is vital... and what is just wishful thinking and "foo-foo pretties"?

And every day, I have to choose "what's next" from "the list" - which isn't getting any shorter, let me tell ya! I'm still doing a lot just "looking"; "feeling" the spaces... drawing imaginary floating boundaries about how much I want to actively "manage" (and am able to, to my standards)... and how much I need to just "let be".

I've been letting myself just be too. Maybe too much. I think I'm actually starting to get bored. That rarely happens. I know I have cabin fever and just want to be OUTside now. Making progress; even in baby steps. Baby steps count. I've shut down the "idea factory" for now - I still have to make the things I've already envisioned. And I want to be able to see progress, instead of throwing more things "on the list".

My rosa rugosas are here; I need to dig holes and get them planted. I think I need at least one lilac bush; maybe a rose of sharon... and more edible shrubs/berries. But then there's the fencing puzzle I'm trying to solve too. Big piece of equipment to "help" me work by myself is on it's way sometime this week. I might want to buy the auger attachment for digging holes; holding off on that right now. Finally ordered seeds; even knowing I might not plant but a few this year.

There's plenty going on. People are just waiting on the weather to cooperate. As am I.

[Hopalong]

There are surely sooooo many possible reasons you are where you are, Amber, and doing what you're doing.

Your creativity (that does extend to a mountain farmette!)
A place to heal from losing Mike
Stimulation of the projects
Being an emotional survivalist
Practicality
Beauty of nature
Love of adventure
Respect for your own introversion

And more, more. You'll uncover more and more reasons your life has meaning and clarity.

You ROCK it, mountain or ocean or sidewalk.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

You know, I think I have to call the equipment place and order an auger. I think I'm going to kick myself for not getting that particular attachment at the same time as everything else.

Digging 10 holes for the rose in rock & shale... is intimidating. Difficult. Holly said she could really work off a lot of frustration helping, but as soon as this last freeze is past (tomorrow night)... these babies need to get into the dirt.

But saying "no; I don't 'need' that" first, is all part of the denial dance I put myself through; I "should" be able to dig those holes by hand. Yep; indeed-y do. But dammit, I'm 61. I'd much rather dig in soft dirt. And I've got a LOT planting of shrubs/trees like this I want to do.

I've just about "had it" with this reflex to deny myself; make life harder on me; choose to feel like I don't deserve such & such. Downright sick of it in fact. And then the sheepish return later on... admitting I really wanted/needed it in the first place.

Boredom is indeed setting in, in the form of cabin fever. My imagination is feeding off itself - and it gets into trouble doing that. I can't remember the last time I was bored. Maybe before I quit my job.

[lighter]

Arrrgh.. that denial bug. 

Get the auger, Amber. 

You'll use the auger.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Already ordered before you posted Light.  I NEED it this weekend, when the weather is supposed to be decent. I NEED my topsoil/compost too, around the same time. But equipment scheduled for Tuesday; and I'll need to check back in with nursery on whether they're digging topsoil yet - it's been too wet and today's weather isn't helping.

[lighter]

Arghh... I remember when I wanted to dig fence posts for dog area... and my father's auger had been loaned out by my brother.... years and years and years ago. 

I got the auger back, then lost the momentum to GET THE JOB DONE.... lost the thread.... lost the will.  I lost something I needed, even after the auger came back.  I guess I expected it to be put ON the tractor, but it was just plopped down, and... I lost the thread.

You get the job done, Amber, and we'll all cheer for you.

::nod::.

This is so exciting.  Spring at your farm!

Lighter