End of the Road Farm

[Hopalong]

OH my gosh.
You really do have a caring connection with this man...and bless him for giving you reality as Mike was in his last chapter. That's a huge gift, imo. No wonder. And he's been there for you.

Forgive me but I am actually a little bit excited that he'll now be close enough to, errrrrrr, actually MEET?

I can't imagine how that feels.

But you already have Real Friendship. If that's where it stops, it's still a beautiful place.

You can leave Hols. You can go right on ahead with your separate thing. If you don't WANT to, that's cool...but you totally can take off and go explore helping him. If you WANT to. She'll cope.

Big hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Skep, I know my son isn't an adult yet, but I do think we underestimate what our grown up kids can do/cope with, because they don't have the same damage that we do/did.  They've not grown up in the same toxic, caustic, abusive environments and they don't have parents who don't care/can't care/won't listen/can't hear anything.  We went out with a friend in the week, myself and my son, my friend, three of her four kids (two teenagers, one mid twenties) and her little grandson and we were all sat chatting.  The kids are confident, friendly, they chat about school, college, work, nights out, there's no sense of them and us (kids and adults).  Everyone was just sitting enjoying the sun and talking.  The two younger ones wanted to go home early so they went off and caught the bus, the rest of us went for a walk and caught the later bus back.  When I was a teenager I felt crippled when talking to adults, or other teenagers.  My mum would poke, prod, ridicule and just generally make life uncomfortable.  So I marvelled at the way these kids can sit and chat quite freely - my own son included - because they haven't had the same upbringing that I/we had.  I only give it as an example because I think our kids have a stronger foundation for the most part, and so can manage to sort themselves out (I know your other D isn't quite along those lines but H seems to be).  I think it's not just okay, but absolutely necessary, for you to keep your work schedule and me time in place - and if that means you can or can't help your doctor friend out then it's okay, either way.  It will all be okay xx

[lighter]

Amber:

I think you could lend a hand to this friend, but perhaps not commit to extended time frame?

Holly needs her space.  She needs to heal, and solve things her way. 

You need to let her.  If she needs your physical presence, would she tell you?  She might be fine with your being gone for a short while, or linger.  She might heal faster on her in.

Just saying.... it's not crazy to reach out to this friend in his time if need, imo.  If only to help him get a handle on his situation.

I think you'd be a big help. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Holly and I mind the boundaries pretty well. Even with the times we have bumped up against them. She comes and goes as she desires, I do my own things. No question she'll deal with this on her own - all I'm for is food - as she's hungry, hugs, and an understanding ear. We are good friends apart from the familial relationship. A safe place to do what she needs to - and she's no stranger to these parts. Lots of friends.

The doc is the problem. He's already dealing with 2 women - NOT a romantic possibility for me. I get that he's overwhelmed; I know exactly what that's like. I do feel for his situation - but I didn't do that to him. What I DON'T WANT is to insert myself into what looks like a bunch of messy "other people's problems". That's a major no-no for me; it always ends up badly for me. I do like him, and he has been helpful to me.

He is at times too "fatherly" in his protectiveness of me, and I redraw that boundary. I'm no less competent or experienced than Holly is. He immediately saw Ronnie as a "problem", for instance and worst-case scenario'd our informal working relationship. He was relieved to hear about the bike accident, for instance.

Makes me think some distance is warranted. And I need to watch out for my "volunteer" reflex. It's that "need to be needed", I think. It's abundantly CLEAR that Holly doesn't need me, to move on and leave the relationship in the past. But I can validate the things I'm seeing/hearing that are good as she does it, and wear off some of the edges of 9 years of INvalidation, too. It's most interesting, that it was Hol that pulled me back from getting in over my head.

[Twoapenny]

Holly and I mind the boundaries pretty well. Even with the times we have bumped up against them. She comes and goes as she desires, I do my own things. No question she'll deal with this on her own - all I'm for is food - as she's hungry, hugs, and an understanding ear. We are good friends apart from the familial relationship. A safe place to do what she needs to - and she's no stranger to these parts. Lots of friends.

The doc is the problem. He's already dealing with 2 women - NOT a romantic possibility for me. I get that he's overwhelmed; I know exactly what that's like. I do feel for his situation - but I didn't do that to him. What I DON'T WANT is to insert myself into what looks like a bunch of messy "other people's problems". That's a major no-no for me; it always ends up badly for me. I do like him, and he has been helpful to me.

He is at times too "fatherly" in his protectiveness of me, and I redraw that boundary. I'm no less competent or experienced than Holly is. He immediately saw Ronnie as a "problem", for instance and worst-case scenario'd our informal working relationship. He was relieved to hear about the bike accident, for instance.

Makes me think some distance is warranted. And I need to watch out for my "volunteer" reflex. It's that "need to be needed", I think. It's abundantly CLEAR that Holly doesn't need me, to move on and leave the relationship in the past. But I can validate the things I'm seeing/hearing that are good as she does it, and wear off some of the edges of 9 years of INvalidation, too. It's most interesting, that it was Hol that pulled me back from getting in over my head.

I think that people like you do tend to volunteer to help, Skep, you're so resourceful and practical that you can handle pretty much any situation and you would breeze in there and get a whole load of stuff sorted out.  But that's also why it's important to say no if necessary, or offer support in a more manageable way, like talking on the phone or by email rather than physically being there.  Just don't feel bad about doing whatever is needed or necessary for you.  I think it's good that you've recognised that 'other people's problems' are just that - other people's xx

[sKePTiKal]

The only boundary issue I'm finding with Hol of any significance - is that form of empathy that arises from my own recent deep grief, when I'm aware of hers. We deal with it differently... which isn't a conflict for us because I recognize she needs to do what she needs to do. And if I don't, I'm TOLD in short order to back off - LOL.

She obviously knows how I sometimes miss/don't process social cues fast enough.

Going to be BUSY around here for a couple of weeks. Some logistical problems, too.

[sKePTiKal]

Knuckles - the knucklehead puppy - has found his role as a contributor to the "cause" around here. He's been bringing up sticks (admittedly to get someone to throw it for him to fetch) and then mulching them on the porch. This morning, he dragged a 6 ft long limb (6 in diameter at the base) all the way up the hill. He hasn't figured out how to get it up the steps yet.

I guess he's a "wood retriever".

I think Hol is over the worst of the emotional processing. In a couple of weeks, she's whittled my to-do list down, to where I have more split wood than I had for the whole season last year. (There will be a LOT more to come, as the driveway work gets done soon; that involves removing about 20 trees.) Floors downstairs get started early tomorrow morning. I was getting at least one coat of paint on the 4 doors down there while she was splitting wood. A few more things to clear out - do a cobweb run - vacumn and then I'm ready.

That whole space is going to look/feel different with a new floor. And THEN, the fun part can proceed - decorating. I'll need to finish sorting/purging in the garage/getting the auction to pick up some stuff and then I can organize THAT space finally and hopefully get some ideas about creating a "bunkhouse" space in there... so I can finally deal with the other room upstairs, as a guest room. I need it empty to do that (to "see" the space) and the bunkbeds I have are just way too huge for that room. The upstairs rooms are under the eaves and have been chopped up to make bathrooms - RV style - and closets, too.

But somewhere in that process, I'll need to visit the roof redo - I want to add more insulation and maybe change it to a metal standing seam (TBD) roof... and redoing the decks... and the summer - fall - winter outdoor kitchen. And do a much more stuff... that keeps falling off the list or won't seem all that important when Hol moves back out again.

[lighter]

That was a satisfying read, Amber.  I'm glad you're moving through your list with some epeed.
I'm envious if all those little bathrooms, frankly.  My sister wants me to finish the shed into a little studio apartment, with small bathroom addition.  It's not 15 feet from septic so will see. 

It will be exciting to read about the decorating piece if your project.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'm already rethinking the desk I picked out Lighter. It's a big old thing and that room isn't large. Flooring looks great! They're 3/4s done downstairs already and plan to finish up today. They had the old carpet out by 9:30 am and even that made a world of difference. The boards feel great on bare feet - warm even, and enough texture that it's not really slippery. I only have one coat of paint on the doors (wasn't too sure about the color; it's kind of a caramel color - blends/transitions from the warmer pine wall tones to the warm gray on the floor).

I know I'm going to want to close up the walls in the laundry room more. No idea why they left the bottom half open. I think I'm just going to use painted bead board and a tall chair rail molding. And INSULATE between the studs. LOL.

[sKePTiKal]

PHEW, OK, I think I can be coherent now. I didn't sleep well last night and have been hyperventilating/stressing out/halfway to an anxiety attack all morning. ALL because of juggling deliveries being scheduled and errands that have to be run. Like I was telling Tupp, being tired kinda makes me susceptible to the same stuff she's going through. Holly tried to help, suggesting ways that we could "divide and conquer". I thought of a solution that would work well... AND give us both a day off today, except for minor futzy stuff... and then I promptly FORGOT what it was. THAT'S how badly I've wound myself up. (I remembered later and wrote it down.) I keep ping-ponging back & forth right now.

Monday, bright & early, the flooring installers arrived. They had the old carpet out by 9:30 am. Came back Tuesday about the same time to finish up. We had to manage the dogs (Boggs is here too for a visit) to keep them out of the guys' hair.

Yesterday, my tree guys decided they couldn't work anywhere else in their list of job orders because it's too wet there... so at 6:30 AM they started cutting trees out of the path where the new end of my driveway is going. They knocked off at 2 pm, in the horrible heat of the day and came back this morning to get the last tree up there - take down 3 around the house (fire prevention) and limb up one of my bigger healthy oaks. They removed 97 trees in that path... chipped the branches and left me 3 big piles of hardwood mulch... cut the logs into rounds and delivered them to where Holly has split most of the logs that were cut LAST year. I wound up managing the dogs yesterday while I tried to decide what is coming back into the downstairs. New dryer is on it's way to be delivered today; tomorrow a pallet of water softener salt and lot of misc hardware/landscaping materials. (And the salt was probably the "last straw" that triggered my out of control spiral. Would mean working on the bobcat when I'm TIRED and in even worse heat than yesterday. Except that the solution I thought of makes more sense.)

Of course I blamed myself for not thinking that through and all the stuff that needs to happen first. Dryer's here. I'll finish this later. <THAT didn't take long; 15 mins MAX.>

I'm going to balance some checkbooks now and make an executive decision about running errands today or tomorrow after the next delivery. First load of laundry is in - Holly was ready; I'm not. I'll bet they deliver all that other stuff tomorrow morning.
And my laundry is now back in business until the washer gets delivered on 9/1.

[sKePTiKal]

PS - the new Pottery Barn catalog got me excited about decorating.... choices, choices....

[lighter]

You're busy busy now, Amber.  Sounds like Holly super on board, and up to the mission. 

Love Pottery Barn clean lines, and simplicity.  The more stuff you get rid of, the better your space will feel as you decorate.  Don't fear letting things go into the universe for others to use.  It's ok.

Keep updates coming. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Lighter. I'm much better at making the decisions of what to "build" or "design"... than I am letting stuff go. But I AM making progress there.

Holly heads up to the city, to drop Boggs off, move her work tools and pick up the Pontiac today. Then, when she gets back - packing the car and making ready to set off on the "Tour de America" for 3 weeks. She has heard there could be work again with her crew by the time she gets back; but right now that's iffy.

I'll have headspace and quiet after she takes off, to say more.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, Holly's off on her road trip. Left yesterday, after the garage found a couple more things to fix on Monday and she didn't get in Mon night till around 10 pm. I know she made her first destination because the credit card showed her gassing up about an hour out from there; she didn't call/text however... which was our deal. Let me know when you "get there" (where ever "there" is) and then we can chat in the morning before you move on.

I do understand that a) she was trying to find her friend in a strange town and b) she was TIRED, in the extreme after Monday's anxiety/frustration over the car and then the packing frenzy of Tues morning.

It is NOT EASY fighting off the "mom reflexes". I feel as if I'm struggling a bit, especially as she's treated me to the living-color, gory details of her emotional state - as it fluctuates through both her grieving process, putting herself back together the way SHE wants to create a whole new "life platform", our relationship - which is both nostalgic and growing/changing at the same time... and the kazillion minor boundaries involved in all of that. I've retreated to a sci-fi/fantasy book and going to bed EARLY. LOL.

She has however kicked butt around here on the "to-do" list. I have more wood now, split & stacked, than I started with last November. There is some issue with the log splitter that I'm going to have to resolve - it was stalling out and now won't start; but I'm going to wait for the dry weather the weatherguessers are promising. Have to go over the mountain today for some errands.

There is a gigundus pile of new logs to split, from the 97 trees that were cut for changing the entrance to the driveway already. It hurts to drive past the stumps; DEVASTATION!! But it's for a good cause - enabling me to get in/out easier in bad weather, as I age. It should also minimize the run-off in the torrential downpours we've been getting. Backhoe guy is backed up with work, since the rain hasn't really let up much. And again - I wait.

Rain didn't impact the flooring re-do downstairs much at all. They had 3/4s of the job done the first day. Now to decorate!! (I'm saving that project for when I start to miss Hol - probably by the weekend.)

If it EVER dries out around here, I need to regrade in front of the barn to let my puddle drain and finish around the back, before hunting season starts. Then the electrician can come back and finish up connecting me to the meter. And I need to mow again of course.

I've got 2 more wood racks to put together, but I really need to build a wood barn. Still thinking on how to go about that... and when I'm going to get to it. The garage down there has a little more space, but I need to keep on that during rainy days, too. Bought some easy to assemble shelf storage for Holly's suite to put together. It's needed some TLC for awhile. It's been pretty spare and I just brought stuff from the beach house and used it where needed. It doesn't necessarily fit well in the space, nor was the guest suite intended to be a full-time living "retreat". But we're getting there.

So, Holly and I have done the work we needed to do to keep ourselves "in gear" and reasonably comfortable with our situation for the last month or so. She has seriously dealt with the break-up emotions pretty well... and kind of re-connected with her "essence" again. My role is "compassionate witness" more than anything. I answer direct questions; when she's sorting out the mind-games/power struggles or whatever that occurred with Matt - I validate some of her perceptions and observations. Not all of them, because she's too hard on herself and too often takes on more responsibility than she should. Wonder where she learned that? (rolling eyes)

Which brings me to my doc friend. I haven't blocked him on my phone yet, but I've been tempted. That is a long story however and I've already babbled too much this morning. Any personal, face to face interactions remain in the "10 ft. pole category"... as I'll explain later.

[Twoapenny]

Skep you do more in a week than most people would do in a year!  Always so busy and so much going on, your head must be spinning I'm glad Holly's ploughing through the to do list.  It sounds like she's handling things well enough (and for what it's worth, I don't think the mum reflexes ever leave!).  I'm sorry to read that things don't sound too good with you and your doc friend.  I hope it isn't adding too much hassle to your already loaded down life!  I hope it starts to dry out soon so that you can get on with more 'things' xx