news about my D

[lighter]

Wow, Hops.... reading your post..... so circular... round and round and round emotions go.  No good answers.  There are never any good answers in these situations with PD individuals are there?

No. There aren't, IME.

It's frustrating for so many reasons.  We WANT to help, but that desire makes us weak, and at risk, and sometimes harmed.

IME helping her has to include self care, and enough emotional distance, for you, that it's a win win situation.

You don't want to chip away at yourself, without effect, then have nothing to give of yourself or money when she finally buckles, and comes back.... right?

You've given, you've made a very honest public statement... and honestly..... that statement doesn't play well with her orphaned at 19 back story.  I'd imagine that your putting it out there has confused her friends, and supporters who DO believe she's abandoned, and on her own.  I imagine she'll not thank you for it, in any way, and likely punish you for it should you close the distance. 

I imagine you put it out there so she could SEE proof... so her friends and supporters SEE proof you're there, have always been there, in love, and care, and desire to help your troubled child. 

Like I said.... she likely won't thank you for that.  Will likely punish you if she can.

That might change at some point.  I'm not saying it's forever.  I'm saying that you've acted, and expressed care..... it can be enough for now, (((Hops.)))

All we should expect from ourselves is our very best.... whatever we can do..... then find calm with it.

For now, you've done what you can, IMO. 

Meeting the next monetary goal, after it was raised, would seem like a manipulation, I agree.   

When it feels like that, it's a message..... and help should include dd getting help.... improving her health.....
help never includes helping sick people remain sick, or mired, or unable to do better.  That's what you should remember when you ponder how to help, IME.

Listen to your intuition.  KNOW you're a caring, loving mother, and dd's distorted story is only a story.  It's not real.  Never was.  Never will be.  No matter what, or who believes it in the moment. 

You've left proof of that.....

and breadcrumbs dd can follow at any time back to you, and your help.

::putting wood on bonfire for Hops, and dd, and Amber, and Hol, and Tupp, and son, and me, and my family::..

It's a big bonfire that's needed right now.  We'll keep it burning.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thank you so much, all of you.

Together, your posts give me strength to stay with my original choice, at least for now. I gave, left a loving message and a request that she contact me. I think to do more now would be to dive down the rabbit hole. After some time to process it further I may think of a direct-contribution thing that feels right. But for now, I'll stay on Pause. My T is back next week too, so that'll help.

(You're right, Lighter...I did partly write "From Mom, etc." to contradict her story.)

Boy. I really played out the panicky circling inner reaction here, at length. Each of you reacted with calm, fairness and reason. You are an extraordinary source of comfort and strength.

Thanks and love,
Hops

[Ales2]

Aw. Hops.

This is my first time on the board in over a year,  and I'm very sorry to hear about your D.

The only suggestion I can offer is this - maybe on her gofund me page, she might also ask for anyone with Addisons out there who could offer guidance/emotional support or maybe assistance with employment/insurance?   

There is the National Adenal Disease Foundation online here:
http://www.nadf.us/

I'm not sure how they good they are or what programs they might have, but sometimes joining a community where she can get support might lead to emotional support, job with consideration of her condition, a mentor, or lead to a situation where she can get insurance and so on.

I second alot of what people have said about protecting yourself emotionally and financially, and understand the conflict this presents for you.  Its tough. We get it.

Please know that I am thinking of you and your D and sending uplifting thoughts, prayers and well wishes for her to find her way and for your peace and well being. You've been so caring to me in the past, I wish there was more I could do to reciprocate.

xoxoxoxo

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Ales.

I could, as when she asked for my help after her bipolar diagnosis. I researched the heck out of resources for no-cost support, help, information, where to find XYZ. She may have taken advantage of some of it. At the time, she told me she was glad to have the books.

She's an intelligent person and handy online. Regardless, I won't be doing resources research for her any more, unless she should ask me to (unlikely after 6+ years without speaking to me).

I think the organization you suggest is a fine idea, and hope she'll explore it. But her No Contact is absolute so there is no viable way to send her helpful info without her requesting it. (I've followed Joshua Coleman, author of When Parents Hurt who's expert about estranged adult children. One clear lesson is to completely, entirely accept an absolute No.)

So....I'm not trying to fix it any more now. Had a mighty internal struggle (on display here) but I have accepted now that it's another CCC. I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

For my own mental health, I try not to think about her. Just got sucked back in over Easter weekend when I discovered her GoFundMe and learned about this. But, with silent love, I'm backing away again. Until or unless she can speak to me humanly, she's not really in my life except as a memory, and god knows, it's possible it's best that way.

Never thought I'd say that in a million years, but I recognize it might be true. And I may never know, or I may find out something later and things could change.

After about three years of agonizing grief, the last three have been healthier and more peaceful. It's taken a ton of therapy and support but I have come to a place of acceptance. Silent love, and permission (from me) to continue to find happiness even though she is unhappy.

That old saying, a mother is only as happy as her least-happy child... I have set aside. I no longer believe I am supposed to be a walking bruise. I can and do love where my love is welcome, and always hold a place in my heart for her. I hope, but don't expect, and that will have to do.

Thanks for writing this, Ales. Your wishes are so very kind.

How are you? Update if you can. Hope things are better with your mother and money and work, and would like to hear about it.

Hugs
Hops

[sea storm]

Hi Hops

I can hear that you have been tearing yourself apart over your daughter and her lack of response. Even her lack of response is painful. You are agonizing about giving her money and trying a last gasp rescue that you can't afford. Your loyalty to her and your love are clear as a bell, but this is not helping, other than to drive you over the edge.

You sound so resourceful and desperate to help and at the same time fearful that the help will only drive her further into dependency and helplessness.  She will survive without you and she hasn't directly asked for help. That is kind of a good sign that she is coping. Launching a gofundme  must be right up there with higher level functioning.

Helping without being asked is like sticking your hand into the den of a honey badger.  Out of the question. I hope you hear me. It doesn't matter if she gives you a nod at first, it is only going to cause you harm.  She is mentally ill and suffering from Addisons and that is not going to change and she is not changing. I doubt you poked her with hot forks or tied her up to a metal bed and starved her. Her reaction to you is not rational and is a product of her paranoia and bipolar rage.  I sound like a know it all, sorry. My sister is bipolar and borderline so I do know. I barely know how to survive it and not feed the beast that has become our relationship. When I go in for the rescue, I may be rewarded with a period of calm and what feels like love and then it is blasted away and she seethes anger and criticism and me and everyone else. Basically, if your daughter is in denial about her mental illness, there is nothing you can do that wouldn't be self destructive.

This is not the kind of talk mothers are supposed to express, it sounds ungodly not to be unconditionally loving. My African psychiatrist said that love is irresistible and so one should just keep loving. This does no mean buy a car, put yourself in debt, give to your daughter who is very angry with you. You have offered the olive branch and waved the white flag. The mess she is in is not for you to fix. Can't say that in a big enough way. You sound pretty overwhelmed........ this is how she can wind you up. You are precious and a good person and you can't fix it.

I have seen what my sister did to my mom, hating her and building a fantastic case of abuse against her. It was like she was unable to see any good there. It was beyond painful to my mom who kept rescuing her and flying out to take care of her son while she went off the deep end. My sister did not accept help for her mental illness so it was a nightmare circus of time that were ok and times when all hell broke lose and her paranoia and feral rages tore good people down. Now I think that if she is non compliant with meds and never was, then it is just too much for me.

You are running after her in your mind, with a happy ending in mind. Please get back to yourself and back to what you know sustains you and keeps you balanced.  Forgive me if I sound like I am up on my high horse. You have been completely humbled and nearly broken by the tragedy of your daughter's mental illness and now her physical illness. I send you blessings and lots of love.

As ever, kind regards,

Sea storm
 

[Hopalong]

Thank you, (((((((((Sea)))))))). So much.

You have understood the razor wire edge of her personality and how her illness manifests better than anyone, from having been through (and still at times going through) the same agony. The bystander who loves, but cannot help.

I feel vulnerable to my D's desperation only when I think about her having been at some point homeless, too messed up to work, and on food stamps. Clearly she needs resources and has found no way to acquire what she needs. A friend of hers did the online fundraiser for her, out of pity and love I know. And my D looked terrible in the accompanying photo. So very worn and older than her years.

That said, I did and have worked through to the decision not to continue giving money. Not without human (and humane) contact. And though it's a very sad situation, I feel in the present that I am no longer a player in it. No longer an active part of it. No longer in her life as she is, in the present, no longer in mine.

So I'm not torturing myself now, though at the beginning of this thread I was going through a fresh agony. Not now. I worked through it faster than I thought I could and came to a decision I can live with. She needs to contact me directly to ask, and if she does (which I do not expect) I would give only what I can afford to give.

There is more psychological separation, and more healing, than there was before.

Even this day, I passed in peace. I actually spent the afternoon with a close friend who has three children. One of her Ds, my own D's age, has just had a baby -- my friend's first grandchild, and decided this was the time for the power move. She has basically cut my friend out of her life (replacing her with the mother in law) and broken her heart. So she's leaned on me a lot lately and the irony is, my loss has enabled me to help someone who's facing some of the same pain.

And...a young Turkish woman I befriended at church, who has lived between two worlds (having to go back into hijab when she visits her parents in the next state, terrible culture war inside her)...came by and brought me a gorgeous plant with a heartfelt note of appreciation for my support over the last couple years. A few months ago, she invited me to her small private wedding here.

So I think what I experienced today was that you can still love even when you're not welcome to express love to your own child. You can still pour love into the world and heal yourself by helping others heal in whatever ways you can.

Just as you do, Sea...every time you write.

Thank you, friend.

love,
Hops