It's good to see you again, Ernie
Your question isn't dumb at all
The way you're already using the forum is perfect - you open a thread, you write down whatever's in your head, people respond (usually with understanding, sometimes suggestions, sometimes just 'yep, me too' - you're heard). And you can use it in other ways as well, depending on what you find works, helps or what you need at different times.
Some people, for example, read posts and get a lot from them but aren't keen on posting much themselves - privacy reasons, feeling uncomfortable with writing, struggling to get the words out or just finding reading more helpful than writing. That works perfectly for them and you might find it helps you at times as well (as sometimes someone else will post something that's also effecting you but maybe you didn't feel ready to talk about it, for example). Some people post about specific problems when they come up, sometimes it's to post good news. Some people (like me!) check in here pretty much daily and write about anything and everything, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes nothing in particular, I just like to write it down
For me, the board has become the healthy, nurturing family that I lack in the real world and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have it in my life. Most days, I make myself a cup of tea and then I sit down and 'chat' to my mum and dad and my brothers and sisters. It's wonderful, and hopefully as time goes on you will feel settled here, you can kick your shoes off, put your feet up and put out there as much or as little as you want and you will find it soothes your heart a little and calms your mind
It's a nice state for anyone to be in
All the other things you speak of - the numbness, the difficulty identifying (or even having) feelings, the problems with finding help, whether 'medical' or more alternative/spiritual (like meditation, for example), the disbelief at everyone around you ("wake up, you crazy people - are you all dead??!"), the feeling that you're expected to forgive, rude people in queues - all of that is stuff I have written about my own situation at times or have experienced throughout my adult life. I've been actively working on myself for over twenty years now and I am still very much a work in progress and accept/understand now that I will always work on myself - I want to understand myself better and grow and develop as a person. I think it's important to recognise that when you are working through feelings that have been buried for decades - fear, anger, hurt, rejection and so on - it's very difficult to do anything other than hold on. It's hard to cope with that and also manage work, relationships, sort your money out, keep on top of your house, etc, never mind adding mediation, zen patience and anything else to the list. What I've learnt is that things come off like layers - so when you mention forgiveness working for a while but then feeling angry again, that sounds to me like you got through one layer and then found another one to work through. It's very common, very tiring and very frustrating. Perhaps think of it like a house that you think just needs a coat of paint - but as time goes on you discover the floorboards are rotten and the wiring's shot and the pipes need replacing and the roof tiles are missing and so on and so on. More and more work, more and more jobs. And it can be very overwhelming. I think during those times focus on looking after yourself - eat well, rest, exercise and be the kind parent you didn't have. Talk to yourself nicely (you can feel like a right wally at first but it does help
). Give yourself the time, acceptance, nurturing that you didn't get when you were little. And if you feel more rage, anger, fear, whatever it might be coming up, well, that's okay. It's all working it's way out of your system and it doesn't feel nice - but if it sits inside it will do even more harm so try to let it out as best you can
Some of the traditional ways of helping don't help everybody, but there is usually something that can help. You might find it through writing, painting, doing triathlons, building a garden, volunteering with stray dogs, redecorating your house continually. Perhaps it might help you at the minute to veer away from things that are typically thought of as 'help' and try out hobbies or interests and see if getting lost in one of those things helps you to work through all the feelings that are coming up? There's a delightfully eccentric Englishman called Tom Hart Dyke, who's an avid gardener and orchid expert (he created a 'world garden' at the Stately Home his family have lived in for generations) and he was searching for orchids in the Darien Gap when he and a friend were kidnapped and held hostage for many months. In order to cope, he grew a garden in captivity in the jungle and he's written a book about his experiences there and how growing the garden, and planning his world garden, kept him going during his months of confinement. It just struck me as an example of coping with a difficult situation without therapy or any of the 'usual' ways of managing. If you wanted to read more about him (just in case it gives you some ideas) he has a website:
http://www.tomhartdyke.co.uk/I think he's written two books now, one about the kidnapping and one about building the garden once he was back at home. It's open to the public and I'm hoping to get up there and visit one day
Anyway, it might help a little to look for ways of helping that wouldn't usually be thought of as therapy or support, I think there's a way for everyone, it just takes a while to find it sometimes
