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Beware the scorned NM

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lighter:
I'm sorry your mom canceled the appointment, Ales.  Maybe you could suggest a phone appointment?

Lighter

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Ales2 on July 07, 2018, 07:21:04 PM ---Let me translate that note...and tell me if you see the same thing. It occurred to me just this morning.

1. She will terminate therapy because of issues with confrontation and personal responsibility.
2. Validate her point of view
3. Hold me accountable and responsible
4. Praise her as a wonderful mother
5. But, don't worry about me!
6. I will be there willing to participate
7. She will find excuses to not participate.

This is the letter of DONM who will overcompensate, validate her mother, cooperate and never seek help for her own problems.

Well, I feel like an idiot, but if he is half the therapist, I think he is, this problem will be quite obvious to him.  :(

And, as it turns out, she booked another appointment for Monday and then threw her back out moving something in the house and does not plan to attend the session.

More predictable nonsense!

--- End quote ---

Ales, is it possible for you to contact the T again with what you just wrote above and tell him you realise you need help and would it be possible for you to see him alone to work on yourself, without your mother in the picture?  It seems likely to be very difficult to work on yourself when you attend therapy with your mum?  But perhaps you could make better progress alone?  I hope you're able to find a way forward that works for you and no-one else xx

Ales2:
Well, so much for the therapist understanding me.

Basically, I am being marginalized to "do something different" instead of pursuing my current career.

So much for that....

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Ales2 on July 09, 2018, 09:06:26 PM ---Well, so much for the therapist understanding me.

Basically, I am being marginalized to "do something different" instead of pursuing my current career.

So much for that....

--- End quote ---

Ales, one of the most important lessons I was taught by a therapist was not to need or try to find validation from other people but instead, to work on understanding myself and what I wanted out of life and to set my own benchmark of 'success'.  It has been a very important - I'd go so far as to say life changing - piece of advice for me and is something I still work on, although I find it hard.

I don't know what the work situation is or what the problems are (perhaps you could write more on here to see if any of us can offer anything useful?) but it does seem that the people around you aren't telling you what you need to hear - maybe it's a sign to listen to yourself and not to others (or at least not to others who predict doom and gloom and can't offer anything constructive)? xx

Hopalong:
Ales,
I wonder if the financial entanglement with your mother is pushing things to a breaking point. Im not saying this is your situation, because it sounds as though your mother is comfortably off, but I recall when my D was into her 30s and just had bottomless need for money. It seemed impossible for her to perceive the stress I felt about it because I (or her grandmother) had continually bailed her out.

I wish there were some way for family resources, if there are some designated for you, to be released to you.

Without that independence, it might be difficult for her, or even a T, to see the wisdom of your career efforts. It's terribly painful when other don't support our dreams. I don't blame you for feeling that extremely keenly, I would too in your shoes. But perhaps the financial dependency is a major factor.

It annoys that the therapist is advising you to change career expectations rather than gently guiding you through asking yourself the same questions until you find your own answer, even if it includes some form of compromise. But if he was actually just asking it as a question, and you otherwise felt some understanding from him, perhaps it'd be worth your time not to discontinue yet?

Sometimes a dialogue that lands in our most uncomfortable places is a sign that perhaps we do need to sit with the uncomfortable questions that are posed. It does not mean you need to accept anyone's answers but your own, but if it happens repeatedly along a similar theme, it might mean that you could benefit from a fresh evaluation of your circumstances and your plan.

I'm sorry if I'm added cold water because I know how sensitive the subject is. And I wholeheartedly hope that you'll find a path back into the work you'd rather be doing. But if the way isn't clear and money access is a chronic sore, it's possible that you're walking the boulevard of broken dreams. I'd hate to see that happen or if this dream just won't pan out, that you give up on finding a new one that could also satisfy most of your creative yearnings.

No job I've ever had has fulfilled all of mine, but some have enabled me to stand on my feet and survive.

with love,
Hops

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