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Fall Stuff

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Twoapenny:
I'm glad you're coming back to life, Hops :)  And I hope there is some sort of exercise group you can go to.  Do you have walking groups there?  We have 'Walking For Health' here, regular meet ups (usually weekly), generally over relatively flat ground, people can chat as they walk or keep to themselves depending on preference.  What's the big A, if you don't mind me asking? Anxiety? I hope the doc has something to recommend at any rate.  They do quite a lot here for people in different situations with regards to exercise; there are the usual private classes but also quite a lot of things like Chairobics (exercise sitting down) and 'gentle' keep fit for people getting back to health after a set back of some kind.  I hope you find something similar.

I love the idea of a 'Find A Geezer' website :)  Sounds so much more fun than calling it dating or lonely hearts :) Lol.  Kind and intelligent sounds good, Hops, although I'm slightly concerned that people continue to send bathroom selfies!  I've just never understood it but hey ho.  Sounds like virtual flashing to me.  It would be nice for you to have a pleasant distraction so I hope nice chap at least turns in to some nice chats :) I hope your appointments go well and chap coming over for beer and chat sounds lovely! xx

Hopalong:
Thanks, Tupp!

Yes, there are walking groups. The "big A" does mean anxiety. Stupidly, groups of strangers hiking at different paces are A triggers...I can never tell when asthma will happen and because of the big A, if it's surging (happens to be now) I rarely go to those. I do walk with close friends with whom I feel no embarrassment.

The reason I'd like a medically supervised ex program like something you mention is because it is medically supervised, which will help me feel safe, as I feel like an infant when the A is aggravated. Once that genie is back in its bottle, I won't need the coddling, I hope.

The nice geezer wrote and seems very intelligent and I look forward to meeting him. He did use various phrases that made it sound as though he's into a lot of space, having "outgrown" the need for daily interaction, etc etc. But then mentioned that if the right bells ring, nothing would get in the way. So if one can tell from writing, maybe he's commitment-phobic, but I may be over-interpreting. It's much better for me to ask direct questions. Or to be perverse, I could jolly him along to our first lunch meeting (somewhere soon to enjoy the fall colors) and sit down with a bright smile and go, "Hi! I'm husband hunting!" and see how long it takes him to fall under the table. Heh heh.

Anyway, we'll see. I enjoy the process even when it doesn't take, usually. And I'm a little commitment-phobic myself. He also said he's looking for someone to "hang out with" which doesn't sound like commitment either. I don't know if that's pre-emptive, if he's so appealing he's swamped with contenders, or what. But I usually find my guts will give me some good hints off the bat. I hope I can trust them.

I liked the fact that at my age he still works FT, sounds quite vital, and even has an 11 year-old son who's with him summers, etc. He's divorced. Who knows. I'm curious and open but not gonna go too far with fantasies, I hope.

With boyfriend B, I was attracted at first, but wish I had acted on my realizations faster when his controlling, entitlement personality stuff surfaced. I do spend a lot of time understanding men, and think it might serve me better just to react to them in a quicker way. B. wasn't evil but I sure felt strongly confirmed in my decision to end it the last time I saw him, when he both grabbed and kissed me unexpectedly...felt uncomfortable and again, his felt like a "taking touch" rather than a giving of affection. My whole being went whew, dodged that bullet, as I left. It wasn't fear of touch, it was dislike of that kind of touch. No real connection because he was always taking charge. No space for me to move toward him because he was always pressing.

Anyhow, new fella may be different. Or elusive. We'll see, and it's good to remain open to good possibilities.

You know I'll diary it here. Meanwhile, the quotidian beckons and I'm just wanting to keep things gentle, simpler, calmer. Way way way too much emotional stress recently and I'm scaling back on all I can. Health stuff and writing stuff and even work stuff. I need balance.

Ate well this weekend, that was something. Not what Lighter would call cooking but I was pleased. Brown rice and vegs in a few different formats. Siracha mayo makes everything better, even an egg!

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Aw Hops, I didn't realise that walking with strangers would trigger anxiety, that does make it difficult for you to do regularly.  Yes I see what you mean about the medical supervision aspect, it's just that extra safety layer, isn't it - just in case.  I'm like it with my son with his epilepsy; he hasn't had a seizure for a year and a half now but I still feel anxious about leaving him and feel more comfortable leaving him with people I know can manage the seizure well, should it happen.  So I see what you mean, it makes sense to have that medical expertise on hand, just in case.

Would be so funny if you turn up for your first date with new chap in a wedding dress ;) Lol.  I've said to friends I think that would be a good test of character for someone, whether they see the funny side or not :)  He sounds as if he may just be a 'happy with his life but open to a bit more' sort of a chap and I think they're the best kind - not desperate to settle down or force a relationship to happen but happy to get involved if the right person comes along.  But yes, very difficult to gauge from a few emails and always a danger of reading things that aren't there - better to be direct and find out what's what.  And I'm sorry about your last meeting with B, it doesn't sound nice.  But good that you saw it for what it was.  And brown rice, veggies and siracha mayo sounds yummy :) xx

sKePTiKal:
Yeeeeaaahhhhhhh.... I understand a bit about physical limitations creating anxiety and then a negative feedback loop... right into a self-limitation "idea" of what I can/can't do. Mine is also mixed up with emotional crap. (Isn't aging a bitch?) So, I do understand Hopsie. I hope you find the right situation for you.

Part of my recent "stress" - is that Hol is pushing on this new acceptance of mine, re: physical limitations and social situations. She remembers the mom from 20 years ago, that was still "The Little Engine That Could"... and I know and clearly SEE that that level of activity, to-do's, and multiple things going on, all at the same time... provoke a serious resistance on my part because I don't like how long it takes me to recover, after pushing too hard, too long... to do x, y or z. She is extremely verbal and has the words to explain emotional reality... and it takes me much longer.

But, we're OK. I know her concern comes from a good place and while she's not patient enough to let me talk, ramble, explain... and basically ask why I'm not allowed to reject ideas of things that I've already tried AND DON'T LIKE TO BE ENGAGED IN... I think I found a way to get her to finally start understanding that I'm NOT who I was 20 years ago. She has a hard time, with being still and quiet and just "being"... and doesn't see the value of it YET. So.... the deal we made is we'll both "give" a little on both sides and see what happens.

In particular, she doesn't get how uncomfortable I am in fast-moving cities, with crowds of people. That conversation evolved to the point that she was saying one just filters the chaos out... and I could finally get her to hear that I don't even HAVE that filter... altho I've been trying to acquire one. When I'm tired, out of my comfort zone, or upset/irritated... it's not possible to maintain the concentration necessary for the filter. And then I am fully engaged with lizard brain - even if I have trained it enough to not make a spectacle of myself in escaping or "shutting down".

This is probably what you heard from me Hops. But it sounds worse than it is. It's actually been a pretty fun and easy adaption process to being together so much.

Hopalong:
This is SO recognizable to me:

--- Quote ---she was saying one just filters the chaos out... and I could finally get her to hear that I don't even HAVE that filter... altho I've been trying to acquire one. When I'm tired, out of my comfort zone, or upset/irritated... it's not possible to maintain the concentration necessary for the filter.
--- End quote ---

Funnily enough, it's a spot-on description of the feelings/struggles I've had with my dear T. With the very best of intention, he's often saying to me "One just does XXX" and quickly forgets my core issues with both filters and focus, and his eternal fixit drive (all men, even Ts!) means I'm frustrated because I just have to process, self-protect, move like a sleepy manatee to a point where I'm able to take more on board. Poor guy has been uber-patient.

The possible new T had a cancellation today so I got to see her right after him. It helped a lot that she knows and equally likes current T, and understood what I was describing. After 30 minutes the truth came out--current T tries to work with me to MANAGE the pain and fear cycles I deal with. But what I want (and what attracted me to her modality) is to HEAL what's underneath them.

I've encapsulated the loss of my D. But when more and more stresses pile on, it really is too heavy. I'm already walking around with a cannonball hanging from a chain attached to my heart. I can do that and I am capable of happiness. But to find PEACE is a long, slow thing...must be like Pilates for the self/soul/emotions.

Anyway it may be a few months, and I've still got to check whether my medigap will cover it...but I'm hopeful. If not, I'll take a fresh perspective with existing T, and won't go through panic about that either. All will be well.

love
Hops

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