Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
lighter:
Amber:
This last post of yours brings up such sweet sadness for me. You have so much going on. I recognize that kind of activity.... energy..... hope, and it's overwhelming to contemplate. So many balls in the air. Like a 3 ring circus, dividing your attention between your children/kid's reaction to ex, your farm, your business, your new fella with his health issues. It doesn't make me dizzy to read, but I notice I occassionally close my eyes before reading on. Particularly after reading about Hol waking up angry, and her visiting her sister and father. You don't post about the ex much. I'm surprised every time you do. You're navigating/distancing that chaos masterfully, IMO. You aren't letting the things, you can't control, control you. You seem to have mastered that skill. At least you seem to have.
You're leaning into the joy, Amber.
And you're painting!
Again.
That makes me smile, and I'm so happy for you.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Oh, (((Amber))). Yes, this is a lot.
I think the earliest stages of new Real Love are actually the scariest. The transition from the reliable but heavy turtle shell we've taught ourselves to drag around because there's just no choice:
Not ready to heart share
Nobody right and ready around to heart share
The one we did heart share with dies
Health, isolation or family crisis leave no time to heart share....
And then we DO?
He might die too.
This is the daunting part. I feel I've just come through it, heading up on six months. And finally nearing what you're talking about--yup, we're mortal, bad something inevitably comes, and meanwhile, this is today and I choose to love anyway. Accept the mysterious gift of happiness and allow my carapace to carry a permanent crack. A big one.
What's lovely is despite kitchen marauders etc, you are in a place where solitude and support are both possible. I hope the balance gets sorted out so that it's comfort mostly, with only some stress.
Sending much light your way, and Buck's.
Hugs
Hops
lighter:
Amber:
When the stress of sharing space, kitchen clutter, and food creeps in.....
slow down, take a good look at where you are, and who you're with. This phase, you're passing through, will be over in the blink of an eye. Once it's gone, you'll find yourself wishing for one more day. To SEE Hol there again. To BE there, and say something, or do something you missed.
So pay attention to everything. Not just the negative. It takes energy to dismiss the negative, and seek out the positive, IME.
Yesterday I was enjoying my home, and it hit me, as it always does.... this is going to end. I won't BE here, this way, with these people much longer. A new phase will begin. It's SO familiar, and it helps me take care of what's really important NOW, IMO.
I've had that feeling before every big change in my life, and change always comes.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I'm hanging on for the ride. Make the most of whatever time we're given.
Buck was in surgery about 6 hrs last night, then I stayed up to keep him long distance company; most of the night. We avoided a close call with me stirring up a hornet's nest because he'd been heavily medicated for 3 days and only allowed to eat sproradically since the surgery wasn't scheduled; more of a standby situation. I think I was still trying to type a text when my "off switch" kicked in last night.
I'd used up even all the reserve energy I had. Complications today; AGAIN. And now I'm waiting to see how that turns out. I'm the world's worst at waiting, except maybe for Buck. I'm just glad they didn't release him this morning. (They have a nasty habit of doing so, just hours after surgery.) He's always had secondary issues pop up; some times they self correct, some times they need attention/intervention.
And I had to deal with my own issues - echoes of the past getting applied to present are simply NOT relevant, IMO. But whatever this is costing me, is most definitely worth it. Even if there's no future in it. (I might be a little crazy about him.)
sKePTiKal:
For someone who claims not to be good with words or talking about his feelings, he's done an amazingly good job of explaining himself to me. I keep reminding myself, that the connection has germinated for years, it didn't just miraculously sprout when he got out of the truck. He has motivation to put up with the suffering of this surgery and a purpose which it will serve, that just didn't exist for him and he didn't expect it to. It's a welcome surprise for him too.
Now, it's more important than ever that the Holly Hut start moving forward and get completed asap.
So, from having the property all to myself and mio-mio... all of sudden I find myself surrounded by people with their own routines, schedules, interests and in Steve's case a need for a fence for his birds, two dogs and possibly two more cats soon. And of course the revolving door of weekend guests.
Long range farm plans are expanding too. I'm hoping that I don't freak out and have a control freak attack. I can get overwhelmed sometimes when big things change this fast, even if I do usually surf it pretty good.
Yes, I've already pulled a relationship horoscope for us, which has a decided psychological perspective. The pitfalls might have been more of an issue when we were both younger. But the positives are going to actually help us manage those, along with plain old living experience. Dang service is pretty accurate at picking through to my actual fears and even my observations and perceptions about the chemistry. Lots of validation of the things I've been noticing - I'm not just imagining it, if this stuff is to be believed.
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