Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
lighter:
I don't quite understand, but that's OK.
I'm glad you feel good about whatever discussion you had with Buck over whatever it was you needed to talk about.
You deserve to feel at ease. You deserve answers to questions you feel are important to your life.
You're also fine just as you are. Without stating everything about yourself, and clarifying it for Buck.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 14, 2019, 01:39:13 PM ---Seems as though I've been making a total muddle, trying to talk about things lately. I'm not getting my point (and what point would that be A?) across clearly. Time to let things settle some more until I know what I'm trying to say, I guess.
I did talk to Buck; and all is well there. Somehow he can understand my muddle and restate it back to me simpler and clearly getting my meaning. The anxiety over all that whole question thing and why I felt I needed to know... this all seems like a holdover from my past experience but I can't pinpoint what it was exactly. All I know is having the conversation - sans specifics - completely relaxed me around the topic and so I'm moving on, feeling better about my understanding of boundaries and what I can and can't ask.
--- End quote ---
I think getting to know people is hard work, Skep. There's all the back and forth, sharing bits, how do they react, how do you react, when should you say, do you need to, is x a deal breaker for you, is y a deal breaker for them. Phew! It's a wonder any of us ever get close to anyone else! It sounds like you and Buck are making good progress. It's good, in one of those weird ways, that you've both had bad experiences that have had a lasting effect - it just means you can 'get' where the other one is coming from and understand it. I think it's so important to have someone who gets what you're saying without you having to spell every detail out, every time. Really important. I'm glad the two of you are getting to know one another. It's nice that he's told people he can see a light at the end of the tunnel :) And love letters! Aw. Best thing ever :) xx xx
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Tupp, I should know by now, that communicating from within intense emotion isn't exactly "ideal conditions" for understanding. LOL. Sorry for the confusions, y'all.
What I see now, is that Buck & I are in the process of developing our own private language. I can recognize it, because Hol & I have one too. It seems to be a part of that shared intimacy & trust space and I dunno, if that's just peculiar to me or if other people experience it too. Seems the participants in my space do. So, for me to try communicating to you all from within that space... leaves a lot to be desired for you... since I skipped a lot; assumed you knew a lot more than was the case; and saw things through my eyes.
That space of intimacy is growing fast; this isn't "dating". This is deciding, each of us, that this is a relationship we want and are committed to. Full on green light - WITH the escape clause still intact for both of us. For the space of a year. Yeah, that's unusual. And I thought Mike was a fast situation, so it's not like I don't have some prior experience here. It's really pretty strange how quickly I can recognize another human who is very much compatible with me; or that I instantly develop a bond with. Buck takes the record, at within 6 hours. LOL, he said as much to me, too. Eating lunch on Saturday was his litmus test. He isn't comfortable eating with a lot of people. I forgot to even watch for that in myself; I do that too sometimes.
Yes, it's helpful that we already knew so much about each other. But there is also that vast body of small things, some very important, some not at all... that are being learned, sort of "out of order". We both seem to be able to do that without a lot of discomfort.
Now, re: his health and physical condition. While the surgeries are major and the infection is likely permanent, at this point (it can be controlled; maintained at a low level which doesn't impact people with healthy immune systems around him) - this guy can still go work 12-14 days doing hard manual labor. It's harder to get him to slow down & take it easy enough to give his body a chance to heal. So the "terminal" aspect of it HAS cropped up, but it's definitely not as big a deal as the docs scared him into believing. In that respect, we're all terminal, right? He fusses over the things that get in his way of being the best he can possibly be, physically; doing what he knows he could do... if all the medical stuff would get calibrated and finished up in a timely fashion - without people goofing up, not caring as much as he does, or unforeseen consequences of everything to date and catch-22s that keep him in limbo. He has way more strength & stamina than I do. To say nothing of patience with the constant delays and foul-ups.
So, it's not like he needs a nurse; and he sure doesn't need a mommy (phew!). I'm slowly but surely figuring it out that he needs a best friend to just always be looking out for him, as much as he's looking out for others. That's not to say, that he's a pushover and is easily taken advantage of, either. He's not; and he's not someone people should try do that to. They'll end up learning an important life lesson.
He does withdraw sometimes; which is something I empathize with. He withdraws to deal with anger; and the past. But if I give him that space... then he can talk about it. Which is something I don't think he's had a lot of in his life; someone to just listen and let him BE. And not try to change him or judge him or run away from him, shrieking in terror & accusation. He is a big teddy bear; not a scary monster. But even teddy bears get angry and hurt.
He's super funny, but never in a mean way - it's always gentle. And he oozes kindness for all things wounded that aren't able to protect themselves.
We're also starting to develop those daily rituals/routines even despite the distance; go figure. And it in no way is detracting from the romantic & passionate stuff of a brand-new connection either. So.... it's all good here. I can't believe how damn lucky I am; still kinda pinching myself.
Twoapenny:
I think allowing people to deal with their feelings and emotions in their own way is so important, Skep, rather than having that rule book of x situation requiring y solution. Particularly as we get older - we all learn how we cope best with tough feelings and emotions and there's a lot to be said for processing, dealing with it and talking about it afterwards, rather than vomiting up every minute of every situation each time. I would guess he's been dealing with a lot on his own for a long time? It must be nice for him to have someone around who gets it and is happy/willing to let him deal with things in his own way and just come back when he's on an even keel again.
I'm glad his health problems are manageable. We are all terminal, aren't we? I sometimes wonder what we'd do differently if we knew our departure date :) I suspect knowing it was imminent would make a lot of us change certain things around. xx
lighter:
About listening....
DD17 and I are having some hiccups... normal stuff, but I'm shifting into implementing more boundaries, have to, and bc I'm learning more about DOING it.
This morning DD said she was having a difficult time discussing things with me... her FEELINGS, in partiular. Earlier I told her how it FELT inside my chest, out to my shoulders, to be living with her recent foray into underage drinking, and circustances around that incident.
I asked her what it felt like in her body. Where was it? She pointed to the same places I'd pointed to earlier, so not sure she actually felt it, but I'm teaching her to pay attention, and give it attention now. To speak about it, by speaking about my feelings, where it shows up for me.
She's right. I didn't teach her how to do that. We're both learning, and I guess I'm pointing out there's different ways of listening, repeating back what we've heard, so the speaker feels truly understood, or can clarify.
In T, this has been an amazing tool with regard to communcation, understanding, and bringing clarity to both parties. Only suggesting to consider how that might worth with Buck when he's talking about his "feelings." Feelings aren't just in the mind. They're in the body, and bringing attention to them can open doors we didn't know were there, IME.
I'm part excited for you, and aprehensive, Amber. Not bc I don't trust, you, or Buck. I think bc I don't understand the health issues.
Lighter
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