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Hopalong:
Bravo, Amber. You sound calmer. Bravoooooo.

I was thinking back to Mama Tiger and realized that one thing I work on perpetually with M is that in his zeal to be a good Protector, he inadvertently irritates the heck out of me at times. I know the intention is kind, but it simultaneously is just a throwback to his intimidating grandmother's insistence that he always be 'strong and formal' (Spanish). He internalized it too much and with a woman, it comes out in kind of frantic courtesies, especially when we're out.

One day my ass will hit the sidewalk when he's suddenly jamming a chair under me. I've just managed my own body for too long now to revert to delicate porcelain positioning in order to make room for his hyper-gentlemanly reflexive leaping for door handles, hand at back gratuitous steering, his nearly stumbling around to figure out who's in charge of the walking pace, on and ON.... He needs to pay attention to putting his OWN feet down one at a time and stop being so dang vigilant about mine! We eventually find our pace but I can rarely hold hands with him, it's a spastic thing we're so out of sync it's funny. (But a couple pals have told me we're "adorable" together, snicker...)

Silly problem and not a big one, but that's how overprotectiveness can backfire. Irritating to deeply independent souls such as meself.

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
LOL. It was a close call Hops. I was about to start trampling boundaries willy-nilly; including my own.
Couple deeper things associated; maybe explaining my susceptibility.

That's how I become aware of just how intense my need is, for that level of connection, despite the really good "stiff upper lip" acting job sans a man in the picture. (Lots of practice there.) Yeah, that's a mess I need to organize better.

The other thing is the toll having Hol & Steve here - and the 2 dogs, 3 kittens, etc - the toll this takes on me and the absolute control I need (still) over my solitude and how I spend that time; and processing peacefully. Bless 'em, they're delightful and helpful - but I honestly don't need the "herding" of me in any particular direction that Hol is given to.

I'll be begging contractor to give me a start date on the Hut construction today, I think. LOL. I need my own space THAT much. So far it hasn't gotten to irritation or resentment; and there is sensitivity to "how mom likes things"... this is pretty much the best this kind of situation can be in reality; I just need to have my own space. So much so, that I had a brilliant idea for our day-dreaming about a week at the beach a couple months from now. Instead of sharing a house, I'll rent 2 small cottages. Instant privacy!! Even if Buck can't make it that week, I think I will benefit from that "downtime".

Hopalong:
Oh yes, beach.
And take your art supplies!

Sometimes when I'm swamped with need I can get away with asking myself:
Is this a need or a want? And having a very uncomfortable thought: Just because my feeling is THIS BIG doesn't mean it's a need, rather than a VERY BIG WANT. Hmmmmm. In a way, liberating it to be a want was better. Making it a need inside made me feel frantic without it. A huge want, fulfilled or not, sparks creativity.

To my disappointment (for many years) the intensity of my craving for love and a mate had nothing to do with its resolution. That seemed like a random bit o' luck (except that I had helped by putting myself "out there" again).

And, being open to the possibility of good things happening.

Buck is a good thing for you.
You are a good thing for Buck.

You won't break it.

Big hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, you are right Hops.

I explained what I'd done to myself - talking myself into fantasyland - this morning. And he's taking it all in stride, laughing about it, no big deal. But I think I also detect a bit of being pleased that I was so motivated too. LOL. Flattered even.

I keep telling him he's cute, and he thinks I need a new optometrist. He can think of lots of words to describe himself, but "cute" ain't one of them! LOL. I told him I'd save it for special occasions.

He just rolls with the crazy stuff I go through. There are no - count 'em zip - repercussions, interrogations or recriminations and he just keeps on being sweetness and laughing at the strange stuff humans put themselves through.

I think I'm going to relax now.

sKePTiKal:
I am relaxing now. Buck is going through some crazy times, but I'm minding my boundaries pretty well and he's pointing out ones he maintains ahead of time. That's working out pretty good; lets me make my suggestions about how to make things better; what I see; without that "I expect you to follow my advice and make it so" control crap.

Mentally, I seem to be in a pretty radical idea-space. Old "rules" which are no longer relevant or applicable are getting chucked into the trash; I'm making up new ones on a daily basis as we go along - in all my relationships. Emotionally, some deep stuff has been stirred up - on the sub and un conscious level. I'm just watching that because it's all fuzzy and vague; no idea what it is so no point in worrying about it. Just paying attention to see if anything useful shows up.

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