Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
Hopalong:
Somebody should write a freaking hymn to boundaries,
because ultimately they are so beautiful.
Often doesn't FEEL that way, but in that they allow own-feet-standing,
growth without dependency, etc etc -- they're good.
Nobody, I mean nobody, always gets them right, however.
And the biggest boundary of all needs to be respect and affection
for the self. An integrated feeling of "I am home here." In my own
company.
I'm working on it a lot, lately. Very unproductive in my own single
space, distracted from "own life" stuff by relationship. Not terrible
but a lot of growing to do.
I think you're amazing, Amber, and I can imagine how challenging
(as well as joyful) it is to be loving someone again. I have great
confidence in you, and hearing you calm the analytics and tune in
more to your well being...that is lovely.
Big hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Well, Hops, there's also some serious work going on too; I think with both of us. The "together" part seems to be catalyzing it.
Some of the events in his life, are stirring up old emotional issues for me. I know they're emotional, because every time I try to talk about them, my mouth or fingers malfunction.... I can't go there; get tongue-tied. I can't unhide the stuff that I want to forget was real once upon a time. A lot of it is subconscious; I'm dreaming my butt off. But at least I'm not trying to tap-dance it away anymore. Think I did uncover the first layer of the archeological dig last night. I'm having to struggle with the old reflexes to either scare him off or try to protect him from the yuck I know... so I don't trigger his yuck. He's being patient and kind, and understanding! while I try to unearth this old wound and put it into actual words that communicate what I mean to say. He intuitively senses what I'm dealing with - but isn't pre-empting me or trying to speak for me. That's different.
I know he's very very determined and clear about handling things in his life differently than he has in the past; so I think we're both learning together. I haven't been able to find a comparison in my past to the level of vulnerability and honesty each of us is trying to establish as we talk about our lives or who we are. So it's uncharted territory - and hence, why I'm trying to mind those Ps and Qs about my boundaries... and his. But throughout, I've had this super-clear sense that I'm "safe"; I actually feel that comfortable security for a change. Still awkward as a newborn calf about speaking about it... but I suspect that's the old taboo of being seen not heard, clinging by it's fingernails, for the last shreds of that internalized control over me. The Voicelessness.
See? I think the speaking thing is getting relaxed already. I guess I'll know, if I've confused you all again, LOL.
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---throughout, I've had this super-clear sense that I'm "safe"; I actually feel that comfortable security for a change
--- End quote ---
Beautiful. Sounds like there's UL happening! (Unconditional love.) I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!!!! Maybe it takes someone like Buck to create that feeling.
At some point you will be past the very-intense-analyzing-narrating part and it'll be Just Talking. But you did have a huge trauma, and it's okay and right to share it. You do not have to re-live it to tell him about it. A veteran can make space for it in some ways maybe better than other men.
Just tickled pink that you and Buck are connecting not just deeply, but securely. Depth ain't everything. Security, kindness, and NON-abusiveness are most of it.
Hugs
Hops
lighter:
Amber:
Taking stock of everything.... our habits.... all the patterns we haven't questioned is a heroic feat. We take it on, perhaps dreading it, and lean in, trusting we'll feel better, get stronger, find more resilience, and certainly deepen intimacy with ourselves, and those who share our journey.
From here it seems like digging upwards, falling upwards, working hard in ways our brains don't want to work, but gutting through... like moving buckets of dirt around, in our brains, and clearing out old clutter. Gutting through to clarify, edit, and replace, even when we're exhausted, and sick of doing it. It makes me tired just to think about it.
Hops could say that better 100 different ways, but I think you're very brave, Amber. Buck's a very lucky man.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 25, 2019, 08:10:38 AM ---Thanks friends. I think you just pulled me back from the ledge of making an error I've made more than once. It's likely attributable to my ability to connect and see the possibilities, very quickly.
"narration"
"Keep your head where your feet are."
And yeah, the project mgmt mindset runs with all that raw material, feeding it into creativity that begins weaving the story... trolling for the emotional energy to "make it so". That almost always inevitably runs into reality at some point, which is obviously DIFFERENT because it wasn't something I created in my over-active mind. And yeah - at that point, sometimes resentments begin to form.
Even Tupps' image of the discussion of differentials got through my foggy cloud. Like a strong beam of sunlight.
I needed that dose of "wake up" ladies. Thanks.
All is still well with Buck and I don't see any major pitfalls in the next 10 months that will come up as dealbreakers. If I can keep this tendency to write the script tamped down. He's pretty good at setting me straight and pulling me out of the clouds too. Maintaining his own boundaries and even looking out for mine when I get carried away.
Breathing... regrouping... centering.
--- End quote ---
Skep, I really understand that tendency to write the script. I do it all the bloody time and it causes no end of problems. With me, it's very much linked to anxiety and having to micro-manage every situation - learnt at a young age due to the rows and flare ups at home. If I kept everyone happy, saw the problems before they happened, anticipated everything and smoothed everything over for everyone, then it was okay. Don't need to do it so much now, but they are hard scripts to unlearn. I find that practise of just observing, not over thinking, not planning and running through each scenario soooooooo difficult to do. So I think it's great that you noticed it and pulled the brakes on a bit and that Buck has got his own boundaries neatly lined up. I think this all sounds lovely :) xx
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