Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

2019 Farm Life

<< < (52/88) > >>

sKePTiKal:
John is good for me right now. He's a quiet introvert too but he made a point to explain why he's here, what he's hoping to be able to do during that time, and for how long. He's a chef, so he made a lovely italian sausage & pepper dinner last night and cleaned up after himself. He's asked me to task him with whatever needs doing around here. I'm not sure of his skill set, but he is constructing the interior of his small van as living space, if he chooses to stay in it.

He is also really good for Holly - given the long number of years they've been intimate friends.

So yesterday, was the first day in over a week I had time to simply SIT and putter around at some things that I WANT to take care of, to my satisfaction - not just the "that's good enough for now, I don't have time" rush-rush. John appreciates how much I do need that. Coming from Portland, he found himself in an environment where there's actual concrete civil disturbances and did the right thing by simply removing himself from that. Us mid-westerners can handle the boredom of thousands of acres of corn fields a lot better than too much urban stuff going on, that never sleeps. And my friend Vicki called, after seeing Hol's FB post about Bill; Vic was confused - thought it might be Buck - so she was checking up on me. Closest thing I have to a sister, since junior high. We babbled for an hour or so on the phone catching up. LOL, it's something when you have friends for close on to 50 years.

Buck and I talked last night too. Not about whatever I was trying to sort out - just talking. I feel better about whatever I thought it was. And I think he has the perfect solution for the bedroom conumdrum. Only furniture he's bringing is his mom's bedroom furniture. It's solid mahoghany. Only a couple pieces. But that's when I realized it wasn't the room as much as the bed. We humans are totally weird about some things like that aren't we? I'm going to have to change sides of the bed, too. He's left handed. But that will put me spooning right into him on my preferred sleeping side. I think we can make that work.  :D

lighter:
I guess you'll be ready for whatever comes up, Amber.

With back up plans; )
Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Hmmmm. Plans usually don't remain intact upon contact with real life, Lighter. At least, that is my experience. And as of today - that appears a pretty solid piece of data for me.

That's how I learned to surf life; LOL. But sometimes, ya just want to lay on the beach and baste yourself under the sun, with the only demand on you being remembering to turn over every so often. Oh and breathing. Yeah, it's good to remember to breathe. LOL.

Nothing big is happening here. Sorry I'm being cryptic; I'm just letting other people's problems become mine and I shouldn't. I need to trust everything's going to be fine and let THEM sort it out while taking care of me. When the dust settles from this current storm going on around me, I'm pretty sure all will be well.

Hopalong:
(((((((((Amber)))))))))

It sounds overwhelming. All the personalities in your space and MIND space, Hol's recent disaster and loss, a new personality you feel you must understand because John's in your presence, future issues for you and Buck, just everything.

I think you are magnetized to people's personalities and minds in an astonishing way. You are a walking compendium of psychological awareness and attunement. It must be extremely hard, when it's all going on in 3-D, to find the right personal detachment and distance to stay well.

Boundaries. They're so hard.

Big hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hugs back at ya, Hops.

I have mostly maintained my morning meditation, journal, review of anything confusing me type practice. If I try to sort this stuff out at night, I'll get racing brain and not sleep, so instead I let my dreams work on things and then deal with it more consciously in the morning. It works because Hol is a "don't talk to me till I've had my coffee" person too. So my cave is always a good place to do that. And then we have our morning/day's logistics meeting; that's usually 10 minutes and then she's ready to be off doing. Takes me a bit longer to get organized.

Steve is super quiet. He doesn't even take up psychic space. John hasn't been overly chatty either. Neither of them seem to require that kind of constant connection but when I need to converse about who's doing what or going where... they're both easy for me to talk to. And just having the male energy in the house is relaxing for me. John is on some kind of personal pilgrimage. He's headed south for Savannah, checking out different towns and parks and trying to find as many points in the day where he can positively impact the people he comes in contact with. Steve works a lot, on an erratic schedule (as needed for events) and yesterday, he was gone before I even saw him. It would seem that Holly's presence and her over-sharing (wonder where she gets that?) is what disturbs my ability to move through a whole day with calm. But we're working on the solution for that.

At one time, all this activity would put me in bed with pillows over my head and doors closed and locked. But except for being so impacted by "other people's problems" psychically; and the old reflex to try fix it for 'em... I'm definitely making progress, even if sometimes it feels like I got thrown into the deep end of the pool. I can let the activity whirl around me without feeling squished flat by a steamroller. I don't have to attach any major portion of mind to it. I can trust that everyone's got it covered. Things don't have to be a certain way ALL the time anymore.

I kinda need the experiences to keep on practicing and making progress; even when I make a mistake or don't see that the tension is building soon enough to catch it; release it; and completely let it go.

Lighter's right about paying attention to physical reaction, I think. I know exactly where I hold tension; store effort that I may need defensively or to express myself (which, despite my wordiness here, is still a major problem for me). If I can sense that discomfort sooner, then I can consciously address the why and deal with it, before I'm overwhelmed. But there's no denying how restorative the past few days of mostly peace & quiet has been. I totally need that.

Buck is also really chatty. It's hard for me to get a word in edgewise sometimes but I do fiercely make myself heard when it's important. Fortunately that's not the only way we communicate, even at a distance. The talkativeness is a temporary situation I think. He's been alone so long with only his own voice and brain to listen to, he's opening up with total trust and vulnerability. I can sorta relate to finally finding the person/place to do that and emptying everything out and sweeping out the cobwebs. He has some intense abandonment/betrayal experiences that are still kinda fresh wounds or not completely healed. Including some brand new ones.

So I get a chance to be there for him, the way he was there for me the night Hol got arrested. He absolutely needs to have that experience, too.

I'm seeing a "theme" in what I've been hearing about "other people's problems" lately. Kinda like a theme in a novel. The common denominator is that we seem to hold this subconscious expectation of other people that they have the same set of moral values as we do; and when we find they don't then the experience is disappointment, disillusion, resentment, abandonment and betrayal. It's especially problematic for people with a higher standard* that includes some absolutes too. The ability to recognize that we can't hold other people to our personal standards seems to be fading out. And perhaps that's why the old "live & let live" philosophy in our culture is harder to find.

*Sometimes that standard is old, rigid & traditional; but I also see it in people who will declaim proudly about their new modern values and how much better that makes them. Sigh. It all sounds like ego to me. How about we just accept that we're all doing the best we can to be kind and fair people? And that no one is ever "perfect" in that sense?


Just musing on a Sunday morning..... and falling into that professorial "we" again, I see. LOL.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page