Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

2019 Farm Life

<< < (53/88) > >>

lighter:
Amber:

 I think that piece about holding people to a certain level of expectation regarding morals, and values is important. 

My oldest dd18 is SO different from me, and I've held longstanding frustration over her refusal to help anything go easier,  more smoothly.  She's just not interested, and she resists even more, bc she knows I so want her to care more about other people's feelings, needs, etc.

Just STOPPING that expectation in it's tracks, and pulling in my energy inward, has helped so much in our relationship. Not everyone will hold my views, and practice them. I'm getting over it, even if I sometimes slips, and I do.   

Honestly, I'm questioning my actions, thoughts and words, and finding DD18 is someone who has lessons to teach me about minding my own business, and taking care of what's mine..... eek.  Really uncomfortable for me, but it's important, IME.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
In my relations with Hol, the roles are reversed, I think. She's the one with expectations; and I'm the one who's gone through some actual change and am now different than the image of me, she has in her head.

She's back from B'more after helping/supporting her friend over Bill's passing. I'm pretty sure Melina drove home the point: you still have a mom. She lost her mom 8 years ago to cancer. Fortunately, Melina had started therapy before the surgery so has that support as well.

It's already been an exciting morning here. John got his van stuck on some of the rocks near the house; Hol was pulling him off with Helga and here come TWO well trucks for the drilling activity today at the Hut site. I made Steve laugh, when I said "so much for peace & quiet". He's also a lover of the silence and nature environment, so he & I actually understand each other on that wavelength.

Hopalong:
((((Amber))))
Had this on the Relationship thread but decided to plonk it here. On re-reading, I think I might be way off base, so please forgive me if I'm really clueless about your dynamics with her. Maybe too much projection on my part. TOSS whatever's irrelevant, please do.
--------------

I'm sorry, Amber. Having your daughter on your case right now can't be helping.

I wonder, have you ever reconsidered you might have boundary issues with Hol? As in, do you think it's possible that oversharing (like intimate details of your relationship with your boyfriend, who may eventually become a stepfather figure) or enmeshment have crept into your relationship with her? Even if they have, that weave can be gradually unpicked, and rewoven into something that feels healthier, more resembling parent and child than best friend and buddy, or therapist and therapee.

I ask just out of my own experience, which may give me a distorted view. I wish I had had stronger boundaries with my D, and hadn't been so lost myself that her illness, her neediness and my own interacted in such a way that we were too close, even enmeshed. When she left my life, there was no solid sense of roles either of us could retreat to that would allow her to re-approach, re-calibrate, re-engage. I don't think there's any strong connection between my story and yours (clearly not, with your D sharing your property). But the boundary issue did come to mind.

It's such a hard set of roles to negotiate, especially if the child is having some trouble "adulting." One thing that happened for us was I was forbidden to be vulnerable or have needs of my own. Eventually, I felt she didn't even regard me as a human being; more like a faucet. There wasn't room for both of us to be in peak struggle, and the over-closeness meant that when both were under massive stress, one got sacrificed. In a way, the estrangement reminds me of what happens to some marriages when a child dies. The couple don't stop loving each other; there's just too much pain for them to continue enduring each other's as reminders of it. Somebody leaves.

Anyway, that was a big digression, and probably not relevant at all. I just hear you being stressed and it saddens me. You have literally moved a mountain to make room and haven for her. I am sure she loves you and wants you to thrive, but not sure at the moment whether she's grateful. I don't whether King Lear is good company, but I could relate to his famous painful lament: "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless [ungrateful] child."

These days, his child might be called entitled.

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
You raise some good points - relevant to my exact situation or not. Hol and I might have sorted out the problem this morning. Time will tell.

I think ROLES are more important here than boundaries all by themselves. We're pretty good at respecting each other's boundaries. Most of the time. And we usually recognize when we're pushing one - and explaining the reason for it. But she doesn't need me mothering her any more than I need it in reverse. So we are trying on some different roles and figuring out what works the best - without making the other uncomfortable.

She has been a source of friction and perhaps felt that I wasn't free to have as close a relationship as she wanted, with past husbands. Says a lot more about them than us. I could see her being anxious about that happening again, with Buck. He SAYS he's not like that, and being intuitive himself, he's already tried to put Hol's mind at ease about that issue. Time will tell. I don't think he'll be possessive, but there's no doubt he'll be PROTECTIVE, and the one could easily be perceived as the other.

But it's trying to define and grow into new roles where we're butting heads. Clearly communication can be improved. We're both sensitive on certain topics and when faced with a certain set of emotions. But we'll sort it out. There is a truly strong bond & respect between us.

But we can't do parent-child so much in this situation. It wouldn't even be appropriate at her age. We hashed that role issue shortly after she moved in. LOL. We also can't just be besties either - the difference in generations/perspective are 20 years each way. And business models only help define power, authority, and autonomy boundaries. So, we're having to find what works for us.

Just like Buck and I will get to do too. I've already told him it would be unwise to confuse me with any past wives. I won't confuse him with past husbands, but it's going to take awareness at first until we settle in. LOL... he makes me laugh and smile... because he makes no bones or excuses about who he is and when I remind him, that's what I fell in love with and please don't change... the man goes positively twitterpated. LOL. He's not experienced that before.

Some of what has been directed at me, from Hol, wasn't about me & her at all. I was just standing in for the object of a tirade that she absolutely needed to verbalize. She probably should've warned me sooner because I wasn't picking up on that at all. That is sorted out.

What I THINK I'm seeing in her, is that she still doesn't feel secure in her position around here (nor the terms of the estate) despite work on her house commencing. Buck is a variable in that future-anxiety. So I need to ponder & design a way to resolve those kinds of things - some small ritual that is flexible and informal - so the air can remain clear. And she can relax. And resentment isn't allowed to grow beyond annoyance.

Hopalong:
Whew. That's a LOT! I get it.

I loved reading about the "strong love and respect" between you and Hol. That's very reassuring. As to whether she should have warned you pre-tirade, sounds like she was already losing control of herself in that moment, so was past being able to tell you, "This is going to be a massive vent, not about you...can you listen?" I love how all those grownup preambles [scripts, my specialty] do us about zero good in the moment....

Her vibes with Buck? Perhaps if you did not discuss with her the details of what you're working on as you grow closer with him, that would help? IOW, if instead you treat your relationship with your man as entirely private territory, and project confidence that you are he are two happy older adults who are in charge of your own relationship connection and decisions? But not sharing details or the entire blow by blow.

Maybe...generalities. "Buck's really wonderful and supportive. I'm really glad to have him in my life, and we're glad to be building our relationship." [script alert!] But then stop with the deep, personal psychological layers of it, which might be too much for a child of any age to handle well. Much less if she's feeling vulnerable. As a separate thing, is there a simple way to spell out for her exactly what her ownership and secure place are on the mountain, in the trust, whatever?

I hope you can make all those decision (intimate and estate) without involving her in the process. If she just knows, "You are taken care of, and you will never have to be worried about your home here". If she's MORE interested, or protective, or paranoid...about your personal plans for your estate (and thusly, her inheritance) -- we could be creeping into entitlement OR boundary territory.

Anyway, I'm not sure I'm right (repeat ad nauseum). Things may have changed or be different than I comprehend about larger estate issues. The way I was raised was that it would be a shocking breach of manners for an inheritee (?) to try to influence whatever they are going to inherit. Because their loyalty and help to a parent was bout filial duty, not manipulation.

Hmmm. Did I ever have those thoughts? Yes I did. And felt wrong about it. So...more Hops' projection....filter, filter, filter!

You sound very clear, not rocked to your bones.

Buck belongs to you, and I hope you boundarize the space you need as two equal adults to negotiate and make your way into your future as a couple without family drama. You don't need it.

Hugs and gratitude,
Hops

PS -- A "twitterpated" Buck is the most delightful image I've contemplated today. !! :)

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page