Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2019 Farm Life
Hopalong:
Got it!
An emotional head-butt?
:)
Hops
lighter:
Well.... more a very LOUD series of facial expressions relating disbelief, disappointment, and frustration. It's meant to motivate, but I don't think it's had that effect on my kiddos.
I think it worked with me. My mom and sister both used it on me with as a matter of course.
::dropping head::
I'm working on it: )
Lighter
Hopalong:
GOOD for you for realizing one can communicate more than we mean to, using the face!
I'm not laughing at your dilemma, but am struck by the irony. We have SO much emphasis on what we SAY to people, and you have just realized how powerful (maybe too powerful) our facial expressions can be also.
Makes sense. Also it's consistent with the attention you pay to body signals. Now you're getting insight about facial muscles and performance, too.
Bravo,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
I have always been one of those who express my feelings in my face and body language; heart on a sleeve kinda girl here.
The recent turn of my main relationship around here, has been dredging up old stuff again. So, I'm just making time to journal the thoughts/feelings out where I can see them better. Emotional stuff is off the charts and not making a lot of sense. But then, when do emotions make rational sense? Especially when it's ancient history that's being re-activated in the present.
So, clearly, I need to change a few things for myself to be able to cope and adapt... and feel strong enough to weather the stresses. Boundary work is ongoing; just like the fence is coming along nicely now that all the posts are in. We're in a drought situation; the poor pond is down about 8 ft now and the feeder stream has been dry all summer. Meanwhile the water pressure for Hol's well is gushing out from under the cap... LOL. They hit an artesian pocket.
I'm calmer now. Got some time alone in the studio to process some important emotions surrounding the whole Mike<>Buck shift. Apparently, those feelings aren't terribly unusual for widows getting involved in new relationships... but in the context of all the other things I wasn't seeing or processing well or quickly they were concerning. That part was a LOT easier to deal with.
I'm also seeing some patterns in the other stuff now; that I've seen in the past - my relationship with my mom, the stuff I internalized, and now the weird shift in Hol. (If she isn't kept totally mentally occupied and physically tired... her brain always turns to creating drama where none need exist. Mom thinks that's probably related to some OTHER stuff she's not ready to face yet about herself.)
But overall, things are more civilized around here... and with Steve home and the work-session with Matthew... and now her friend John is back for a few days before heading west again... the male energy has balanced the cat-fights down to a simmer. I kinda think the contractors are helping with that too.
Things are crazy busy and it's difficult juggling/scheduling the things Hol has going on with the stuff I know I need to get done. There is talk of them heading into the city to do some museum hopping and then up to B'more to move her storage unit contents closer to home and retrieve a piano. Which of course is getting stored in my space, along with the new "vintage" sofa she bought.
So you can see why I feel like I'm getting crowded out of my own home, maybe. Pushed aside. Stacks of her stuff are EVERYWHERE and she's a clutter bug - even though lately, she's been purging a lot of stuff. I really only had my space "clear" for a few months before it got filled again. With stuff. That isn't used; it's just STUFF. And there is the annoying fact that she is totally unconcerned about damage that is caused by their carelessness; leaving tools outside, for instance. MY TOOLS. HER TOOLS.
I grew up taking care of my things, because they cost money to replace. She doesn't seem to have that attitude in her "high & mighty" collection of ideas and attitudes. Among other things I know she grew up with too.
I don't think I'm cut out for "communal living". I'm doing better than some years ago but I'm not buying the attitude that there is something wrong with me, because I have personal preferences about how I want my space; my home to be.
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---Which of course is getting stored in my space, along with the new "vintage" sofa she bought.
--- End quote ---
Sending you strength to practice:
No, you may not move more things into my house.
No, you may not put the piano or sofa in my house.
No, you may not leave my tools outside.
The secret is in the passive voice: "is getting stored."
Or even in conjugation:
Holly is storing,
Holly wants to store,
Hol wanted to store but I said...
Or in: "of course"
And a tiny verb:
--- Quote ---If she isn't [kept] totally mentally occupied and physically tired...
--- End quote ---
Who's doing the keeping? Is Steve giving her instructions all day? Are you?
"Kept" indicates no adult agency. (Or responsibility?)
I'm concerned for you, Amber. The exhaustion, the emotional stress. You know I'm not an
objective observer with regard to entitled or abusive adult children. But I'll advocate
for these situations being extremely real and knowing they can get very bad. And for KNOWING you don't deserve unkind or inconsiderate or reckless treatment. You didn't go through all you went through to get to your mountain to have it despoiled, even psychologically.
It is even possible that a cherished dream of a "family compound" made sense as a dream but is going to need some straight-up reality checking. I hope it can still be a happy, meaningful retreat for you. You don't want to fight for yourself because she damn sure should know all this already.
But it's really only yourself you have to teach. "No."
It's never too late to assert, or re-assert your space, your peace, your serenity. Or to get some joint counseling to figure out how assertiveness (as opposed to aggression) can help you both.
I never acknowledged how sympathetic I felt reading of your anniversary reaction to Mike. He's still a real sweet duffer to me, and I know you miss him.
Hugs
Hops
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