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2019 Farm Life

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sKePTiKal:
Wow. Just WOW.

This fireplace was so overbuilt for what it was intended for it's not funny. It felt pretty good prying tile off - even though the short handled sledge I was using (one of Steve's) was a little heavy for me at that height and angle. So I didn't go all "wild woman" on it... it more, exploratory surgery. Find out just what I'm dealing with first. Before I destroy something I'll regret.

So I didn't accomplish a lot. And of course, Hol has a way to do it faster and with less effort. But that's not at all a criteria of mine for this project - in fact, I think I WANT it to take a long time and a LOT of effort. But that's just nutz to her - why would anyone want to do that? LOLOL. (I think there's probably going to be both methods applied.)

And something else has shifted instead it turns out. Something huge. I'm still learning just what it is, but the overall gist of it is a serious amount of past life/habits/routines were intentionally set aside; dropped; waved buh-bye to.

I have mostly lived my life, being there - taking care of - caretaking - others. There is a whole 'nother side to me that's been in hiding, postponed, disregarded even as being important... because it wasn't "practical" or as important as the "general welfare". That me was essentially considered dangerous, too big for her britches, a bull in a china shop especially when it comes to things I see, and say. That side of me is intensely romantic & idealistic; competitive; daring. And possibly more fun to BE. Possibly. Surely I've learned enough life-lessons by now, to know how to keep myself safe - I don't have to be insulated in cotton-wool like a rare porcelain doll anymore.

Holly is a competent, smart, sensitive & caring and extremely resourceful woman. We have different value systems - but we know each others and respect those boundaries most of the time, unless there is something really important we think the other isn't really conscious of. This past year of trying to live with her again has taught me a few things about how my way of doing things impacts others. (One reason I desire and crave so much solitude; it's just easier.)
 We challenge each other, in many subtle ways. And that's all GOOD.

So, if I start out on a path of adventure that might take me away from home - I know I have someone here to man the fort. IF. Change doesn't happen all at once; but this is a totally different energy and sense of myself - and my capabilities - than I've had previously. I'm a tad bowled over right now; but like ye olde Daruma I'll right myself again sooner or later.

Twoapenny:
Gosh it sounds as if you did a little with the fireplace and a lot with yourself, Skep!  Lol.  Sounds like fun to unleash the side of yourself you've had to keep occupied with other things and go off and enjoy yourself :) xx

Hopalong:
Wow, Amber. You really are dismantling.
Exciting, the unknown spaces that reveals.


--- Quote ---a serious amount of past life/habits/routines were intentionally set aside
--- End quote ---
Can you generally characterize what those were, or what they were about?
Are there any pieces of those you miss or were they all good to unload?


--- Quote ---a path of adventure that might take me away from home
--- End quote ---
Can you generally characterize what that adventure might be?

Very cool that you see Hol as a trustworthy caretaker of the mountain. Very!

Hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I've been pondering how to answer your questions Hops. Trying to see what's what - and if this is truly a long-lasting shift or just a fleeting feeling. I think it's the former (for now).

One of things I'm dropping - is something Tupp mentioned. About always adapting oneself to other people, to be accepted, approved of, liked. You'd think a hermit wouldn't have that many opportunities for habits like that to run their little hamster wheels. HA. This past year, my life has been anything BUT solitary. The Holly effect means I've had a year of people in/out as if I were running a hotel or hostel. Her campaign of prescribing "shoulds" to me has tapered off a little - but she hasn't completely stopped. And when I'm enforcing that boundary, she looks for someone else to do the same thing to.

I am specifically trying to drop my overly careful of other people's feelings (and perceptions) way of speaking. I'm just going to say things plainly - and as clearly as possible - from now on. And let other people be responsible for how they feel about that. I'm not an unkind person and while my direct statements can be seen as blunt... that's someone ELSE'S interpretation. It's not my job to package my communications in pink bows and pretty melodies, and my experience has shown me that it's not even a very good strategy for getting my needs from interpersonal communications met.

Being that I'm living in my own home where other people feel they have a right to tell me what to do and how be - based on their shared, temporary occupancy...  and "observations" and "concern"...  (empathy is no justification, IMO, for telling people what they "should" be/do; but we all do this - when ASKED; when it's unsolicited it feels bossy and boundary crossing) something has snapped - hopefully INTO place - about just what is/isn't healthy about that arrangement. So I'm turning the tables a bit. Yes, talking about Holly still - and her chosen guy.

Having an abnormally close, intimate relationship - parent to child - she feels motivated (out of that concern - which is overly magnified, IMO) to, without being asked, proffer her prescription list of "shoulds" to me. I've been minding my own business and not sticking my nose into her relationship with this guy - but I have also "observed" a few things. She asked; I told her. I see her recreating the same kind of relationship she had with Bovie; all one way - her making it possible for him to indulge his interests and never the other way around. Now she's off pondering. LOL.

But she has friends who are seeing the same things, the same way about this relationship. And Hol has some stuff - long buried - trying to surface. It's making her emotionally volatile, on top of stubborn, willful, and headstrong. She isn't as comfortable in her own skin as she pretends to be.

I doubt she'll notice - but I made my observation without telling her what she "should" do about it. She was incredibly difficult to be around when she was trying to work up the courage - and continuing to be miserable - in her last relationship for years; hoping things would get better. And while I have the most experience of any human with her temper tantrums... my patience with her difficult transition in this respect is running out. I'll not lend her my ear for another 5 years worth of that crap. Therapy wouldn't hurt her, but of course - she's resisting that.

Buck and I talk about all kinds of adventures. All that is an escape right now - from talking about medical issues. But it does give me a sense of the Buck I don't know yet. To know about his ideas for adventures. And projects. And the future. His cousin is pulling some strings on the medical stuff - and politically. I don't have any idea how effective that will be or timely. But the 3 medical offices are now engaged in blaming each other and trying to offload accountability; clearly their internal process protocols failed somewhere. He's consulting with new lawyers, to see what his legal options are.

I'm a bit out of sync with the time change. I'm going to need some heavy-duty he-man tools for this fireplace. Because, I am also hard-headed, and ignoring the "you should just hire someone to do it for you mom" advice. Mom WANTS to do it; and doesn't like the idea of strange men in my bedroom. It's weird; self-conscious; but it's me.

And I'm liking me a lot more these days - despite all the different ways I'm supposed to be different. Buck likes me this way too. So perhaps, my progeny isn't quite the authority on how to live life as she thinks she is - huh?

sKePTiKal:
Got my roto-hammer ordered to deal with the fireplace. Hopefully it will be here in the next couple days.

Hol's friend John is passing through here again and they are planning to go to the beach end of the this week. Not sure yet if Steve is also going or not. But the result will be I'm here by myself in glorious solitude - altho I will have to deal with service people to correct a problem with heat/water in the studio-garage. The wrong type of water supply pipe was used and I had noticed evidence of an old leak, downstairs in the garage but nothing current. That was some time back. For whatever reason, the furnace out there, has been turning itself off randomly... and with the temps getting below freezing now... the water supply to the toilet in the studio just failed. So that probably means replumbing the whole building AFTER the furnace is serviced.

If I decide to work in the studio, I'll have to traverse back & forth for potty breaks. I have some other projects to focus on too, depending on the weather. I hear we might see some snow.

The first floor walls of the Holly Hut were poured yesterday. The walls are about 12-13" thick. It's going to be like a little fortress in that space. Rick (Ronnie's brother) who's been doing all the backhoe work around here, says it's misnamed a "Hut" - he says it's turned into more of a Holly Hilton. LOL. She's a bit overwhelmed at the moment with choices for things like the front door, appliances, bathroom fixtures, kitchen counter/cabinets etc. So, we've agreed that when she narrows it down to her top 4-5... she'll ask for a peer review on the choices. Trying to balance "cool" stuff with practicality. (She did a fabulous job with the floor plan and elevations.)

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