2019 Farm Life

[Hopalong]

Aww, hon.

He sounds like the answer to the question:
How does the universe design a man for Amber?

I'm so happy for you. He sounds amazing. So many strengths and positive character qualities. So much personality simpaticoness. So much connection with the doing, that is so vital to you. Maybe your outlander has arrived!

Oh my, this is a delicious possibility.

Given my own current track from honeymoon emotional ecstasies to a bit of a crash and pause, I hope you two get to build it slowly, skip the crash and ... build what you need together.

I think he sounds like a wonderful candidate for the honor of, in time, becoming your maybe-mate!

Happydancing,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

There are many many conditions to be met before we can reasonably spend the time thinking about that kind of decision, Hops. (someone please get that message to Hol, too?)

But there's no reason we can't enjoy dancing together, until that time arrives. He's struggling with a D who is a senior in HS this year, pushing the rules a lot in that age-old attempt to break free of parental control. Been a really good kid up to this point; but he's standing firm. I've got the adjustment to Steve being here, in addition to Holly - more space needs of course; and of course THEIR ideas about how to live, etc. Pushing my boundaries and trying to dictate to Mom... so, all this awkwardness needs to be worked through before getting serious about something more.

Pretty soon, it's going to be ME nagging the contractor about getting started on the Holly Hut.

[Hopalong]

You sound sane, grounded and in control, (((((Amber)))).

Still happydancing for you, but with respect for the great evolving complexity that is everything!

I mean...he really does sound amazingly....alla that.

But grandbaby coming, new sorta-SIL, and H Hut underway -- jeepers!

You'll do okay. I know that much.

Big hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well.

New grandbaby not coming anymore. Hol miscarried this morning.

I know; sadness.... but she's doing OK under the circumstances and Steve has been protective and doting on her. He's promised to bring her a surprise today. I might be sadder than she is - FOR her.

[Hopalong]

I am so very sorry.
That's heartbreaking.

Mature gravida is so challenging.
I can imagine the joy she experienced at the possibilities, followed by crushing loss.

I grieve for Holly (and Steve, and you).

With much much heart,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well.

New grandbaby not coming anymore. Hol miscarried this morning.

I know; sadness.... but she's doing OK under the circumstances and Steve has been protective and doting on her. He's promised to bring her a surprise today. I might be sadder than she is - FOR her.

Oh Skep, I'm so very sorry to read this.  I never know what to say at times like this, everything sounds trite and cliched and never seems to sum up the huge range of feelings that everyone goes through when these things happen.  So I will only say I am thinking of you all and please give Hol a big hug on my behalf xx

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks all. I found some balm, after watching some wacky movies all afternoon with her. Hot, warm, gooey brownies as a bedtime snack. That must've hit the spot because she promptly wiped out a third of the pan, scooping 'em into a bowl and retreating to her cave with Steve. When she brought the bowl back I got a smooch on top of the head... and a hug. Steve brought her fresh red clover to make tea with and a lovely piece of wood, with two hollowed out holes - resembles a primitive goddess figure.

Tupp, don't feel bad about not having words. I didn't have any either. My heart hurts for them. So I just was quiet and let her "be"... even Knuckles was quiet until Steve got back. He even let me bury my face in his neck and snuggle; usually he can't stop dancing around long enough to pet him. Beebs is not leaving Hol's side, maybe that's why.

I guess she was on the phone all day. Both her sisters knew when I thought to let them know in the evening. Autumn invited us to the pool next Sunday for Logan's birthday party. He's 11 already. And Amy actually had appropriate responses, for once. Shocking, that.

They'll definitely be trying again.

So, it lifts some of the urgency on projects around here until then. Talked to Buck last night too; his infection is kicking up again and he has an early appt today. He's running a fever again. He said he hasn't slept as well as he did here, in a long time. Thinks it's because it's so quiet here. Even with the fever, I can hear the wheels turning in his head - LOL. The no-see-ums are out in full force this year; the cool start to summer seems to have prolonged their season. Maybe the heat this week, will knock them down some. I'm miserable with itchies I can't even reach. That's going to be fun at the lawyer's meeting this week, LOL.

[lighter]

Sorry Hol miscarried, Amber. I'm hoping they get the hut, and the any of their dreams.  She can take all the vitamins she thinks wise, proactively,  and enjoy planning a nursery.  There will be baby joy again, Amber

I'm eatin up with no seeum bites too.  Man, they're really angry red welts this year, worthy of 3 Benadryl.

I can't wait for Benadryl assisted sleep tonight.  I land around midnight.

Lighter



 

[sKePTiKal]

She's putting her attention on a new and very silly project that we came up with about a month ago. Not letting herself think too much right now. Taking care of business and the "lists". We're both adjusting to having Steve around a lot more... and he's quietly just wandering around looking at things... listening. Like I did, the first year. He's been told to freely share his input, ideas, and suggestions. Like me, he's not socially gregarious. But now, he's feeling more comfortable and talking directly to me. We are comfortable around each other.

I committed myself to some things to do, or get started last week - and I'm not adding anything extra to the list. Lots of dust needs to settle in the emotional environment around here. Another of Hol's friends is coming for the weekend. So I'll be in kitchen mode again - and maybe seeking suggestions from Steve, unless he's got work. Josh has stayed with us before, at the beach. I like him a bunch - but he's not everyone's cup o' tea. He's also a painter, so there's that "special language" space I enjoy about him.

My special fella is dealing with a 17 yr old who's feeling senioritis set in this summer. He has his hands full but is doing just fine. Pretty sure she hates his guts right now, but he's definitely doing the right thing and I'm backing him up. Hol and I are starting to feel some of those old things come up too; not in any serious way - just 2 women in the same house, wanting to do things their way.

It's been a real interesting experiment for me. I can now just turn a space over to her and whatever is going on. In fact, it is better sometimes for me to just get out of the way. I'm enjoying every single moment of having the house or the studio to myself again. We have brush to clear at the Hut site, trees to mark - either cut or save - and are still waiting on numbers & contract and final floor plan/exterior design from the contractor. Fence contractor showing up next Tuesday to work up numbers for fence around the pond and field... and "yard" - such as it is - around the house. Rick is almost done with the road and will be expecting a check before he heads to the beach for a vacation. LOL... he keeps trying to get me to buy his backhoe. He promises he'll come run it.

[Hopalong]

Is it a deer fence?
I am very interested in fences...



hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL. No, Hopsie. I find deer fencing to be an expensive illusion. I want to be able to let the dogs out from the house and contain them here. Knuckles has been trying to qualify for Nascar with cars/trucks coming in the driveway; and he's looking real promising - LOL. Dog is fast. But we should soon be having lots of contractors here, all day long... multiple BIG trucks... and it will be better for everyone, if the dogs have their own space to patrol, most of the time. Some dogs can't be stopped by fences, but with reinforcement, they can learn to respect them. Beebs is also a problem - while Knucks sees new people as new playmates, Beebs really doesn't like other men. He constantly barked at Buck for 2 days and kept putting himself between Holly and him. He did that with Rick yesterday too.

While Beebs is a gentle, slowpoke old man most of the time... he's superprotective and even Steve has been surprised at how protective. Beebs is also twice as big as Knuckles and not everyone understands dogs.

On the pond side of the driveway, I have a field that grows pretty decent grass. The chicken coops are over there too. So, we want to fence that for Steve's geese and ducks... and get more chickens. Probably also some kind of other livestock (way down the road later) so we can make cheese. There is more room, of course on the property. But this seems halfway to functional already.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, that didn't take long to get real.

Buck called and told me he had something to tell me but he didn't want me to go into a tizzy. Another surgery - to put the med devices back in. It's an experiment and sort of a "cover their butts" for all the stuff they've screw up so far. Because they're not going to test to see what his infection levels are, prior to surgery... they're running the risk of it flaring up to septic levels again. At which point, the devices come back out and never go back in. He is only now regaining health, so why not see if they mess him up again?   

But I'm not in a tizzy, because I've been walking through this with him for the last 2 years. SSDD. AND, because he thought enough of me, to tell me before anyone else. Complete opposite of Mike who literally stopped talking to me those last years, gradually. Whether that was his protectiveness or he knew I had more energy for being angry, I won't know.

But because he was already considering closing his shop and relocating (somewhere TBD) a year from now, I told him maybe this was good timing. But so far, we're taking things one at a time. The idea of partnering is pretty strong for both of us; reciprocal. And I knew ahead of time about what he's dealing with. So, we'll take things as they come up... and share smiles, and make devious frivolous plans and have as much fun as possible throughout the process. He's admitted he's not very good at talking about his feelings, but I reminded him there are lots of ways to communicate. We'll figure it out.

The revelation, for me, is that he's not just some simple country boy. There is a depth of education under the grease monkey and a native intelligence (on a lot of levels) that he is showing me. We've done the trying to scare each other off dance... and no one's going anywhere.

----
newsflash; Steve is working the DC 4th of July mess on the mall tomorrow and Thursday. I was so hoping he wasn't. Well, damn. Hol and I are kinda in the same spot - sending our guys off to dangerous stuff and waiting for them to come back, whole and happy.

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry Buck has to deal with injury, infection and surgery, and that you have to deal with your new loves suffering. But how amazing that you have found something serious and beautiful in this connection. I hope whatever he is having to face will ultimately make him betteR.

M and I have been talking a lot about the reality of this chapter, too. I hope it makes love sweeter for all of us! We're incntral Paris and the weather is heaven. Had dinner at the flat of my old friend's daughter...both girls cooked a feast and the husband turned out to be a historian, so he and M had a great time. For me, being with the girls was like happy mothering again.

Love and comfort,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hopsie... I'm pretty much over the moon about all this. Despite the looming reality of potential loss, I'm able to cherish the little things that make shouldering the big things, walking like Thunder, and walking through fire... a piece of cake. We only have as much time as we have; and rather than hide in fear and worry... I think we're both committed to laughing and dancing our way through it. This time.

Sharing the "warts & all" stories online with each other isn't nearly as satisfactory as paper, so I think I'm going to be copying/printing some things. Too many tech glitches lately, and while my hair can't get any whiter from obsessing over fixing them... I do tend to rip hair out over it. LOL. Distance relationships require several levels of backup communication technology.

I sure hope you laugh and dance your way around Paris, dear. What a treat! What a blessing that you all can do this and create shared memories.

[sKePTiKal]

I'm still on cloud 9.

About the time, I start worrying that my fantasizing is setting myself up for heartbreak... he says something else that makes me giggle like a 15 year old and distracts me from that pattern of "threat assessment". Or sends me a song to express his feelings.

He's waiting on the surgeon presently. Since he's gone through this every few months for the last 2 years, it's all SOP now. The only tough part was yesterday. He clammed up and started gearing himself up for facing this yet again. Like pulling back a bowstring... taut. But I understand that process and respect his space to do so. I don't need to know what his thoughts and feelings are about doing this yet again. Just need to let him know I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere; I'll keep a lookout for him.

Just like I know he has my back, too. So, we don't need to "fix" each other. LOL. It might be a longer time, for Buck, that he's had anything resembling this in his life. So, he's struggling for words. But I'm seeing the glimmers of a romantic already; possibly a poet too. He's certainly a "classic" model. LOL.

As it happens, there is a lot of other important stuff going on at the moment. Some of it I choose to engage in; some of it just has to go away for the time being. Hol is tackling one of them; her sister is travelling through. But has been told NOT to come to my house without an invitation. Period. Yeah, mom still loves her, but I simply don't have the energy to deal with her crap when she doesn't give a rat's about my life or anyone else but herself. So she's stopping at her Dad's this morning and Hol will go over there. He still doesn't know Hol miscarried. And he can be a difficult person to interact with too. Hol woke up angry this morning. I don't take it personally; she could also have chosen not to engage. Sparing herself. Maybe it will be different this time; so she's taking the chance to see for herself. I'm not interested and have enough going on right now.

Hol has been begging me to have a life again. Well, hello. Zero to 90 mph in a nanosecond. I know my criteria very well; I know what meets it too. And recognizing that in the flesh, and the eyes... has got my full attention and participation. But I'm also juggling the farm stuff, lawyers, financial things... and sorting out a lot of logistics for the big construction project. While I park my butt on the porch and type out all the things jostling for attention and decisions (? Later?) in my head.

Oh, and I have a canvas started. LOL. It's another barn Hops. I'm recreating/redesigning a painting I did way before art school from my current sensibilities. Hol has carried and hung that painting everywhere she's lived. So I'm changing almost everything about it... and yet, it will still be the same painting. IF... I can pull that off, I'll be happy.