Thank ye Tupp.
It might not be a real thing, if there weren't some bumps and discomfort along the way, would it? I don't think I could trust anything that was TOO EASY. It would just seem false, somehow.
I think, right now anyway, that the trickiest thing I'm navigating is the physical distance, his independence and lack of needing to be smothered in "woman". It definitely doesn't mean he not emotionally available or doesn't care. He's always showing me in unsolicited ways. Still tells me he loves me twice a day... but not 10 times a day like he's trying to hypnotize me into trusting him. I don't know if he knows a thing about co-dependency - but his nature is such, that he's like an antidote to it, as long as I pay attention to my own baggage and try not to repeat it.
And of course it's going to feel completely new & unfamiliar for someone to want to take care of me for a change. Without wanting to turn me into a Stepford Wife. He definitely LIKES that I'm strong, busy, independent, and speak my mind. There is only one relationship I've had previously that comes close to that - and it was never ever going to be a domestic type of situation. I knew that from the beginning. It lasted maybe 10 years, but we were always apart and only spoke over the phone infrequently - at an incredible level of intimacy between us - for the last 5. Epitome of two ships passing in the night - but we knew each other almost immediately upon meeting; like someone from a past life story. He died in a car accident in the 90s.
Some of the first giddiness is wearing off now. (Not all of it; he can send me zooming with a single pet name again; and does on a regular basis. There's still a lot of flirting going on.) Beyond that, I'm noticing a lot of endearing qualities. He's pretty able to be vulnerable emotionally; despite fully qualifying for all the masculine attributes and even stereotypes. And he's comfortable with that... which in some magic way allows me more space to engage the feminine side of myself. Almost going as far back as Twiggy's 12 yr old girl understanding of boy-girl interactions and feeling way more "seen" with her Dad, than her mom.
He's also very disciplined (as former military often are), stays very busy at this or that - even when he's laid up recovering from surgery he's doing some with his hands; supportive without telling me what to do or trying to fix things; and for as long as we've talked - 5 or 6 years now - has been the greatest confidence booster in my abilities to do and manage and get through difficult things.
When Mama Tiger comes out, trying to protect him and defend him, he can tell me when to stand down and just stop; and she's been a little busy lately - which is how I bumped into his boundary. He doesn't need a babysitter or me clucking all around him trying to wrap him up in bubble-wrap. He is competent and capable and will handle it himself. So far all that's been communicated very gently and understanding. He's aware that I'm not very familiar with a lot of the things he's dealt with; but he knows I learn quick and can adapt/manage my instinct without just giving up and getting steamrolled.
The connection between us definitely has a non-verbal side; because of my difficulties sometimes saying something simply, just coming out with it; this is a good thing. It's kinda like we have our own psychic radio frequency. We just KNOW about each other. Bad moods, frustrating days, bad nights with nightmares, or worries... with one breath we seem to know when the other needs us and can feel that we're there, even when we can't communicate in reality at just that moment.
WHEW. Yeah, I been doing a lot of thinking about this. The long-distance thing and the timeframe involved, the big medical issues, and my crazy intense emotional laser beams has been a lot to reconcile in my logical mind. The reality that at any point in time something could happen to one or the other of us, and there wouldn't be any happy ending - except for being able to be there for each other, as best we can, right NOW. We may never make a traditional commitment, in the standard form; but this is as real as it gets.
I ain't never been "normal", and it doesn't look like I'm going to be trying any time soon either - LOL; he says the same about himself. We're both card carrying member of the Land of Misfit Children. LOL.
SO... some months ago, BB (before Buck), out of the blue, I announced to Hol that it was time for me to go through one of my periodic tranformations. Hair, wardrobe, lifestyle, etc. Some of this is lifecycle adaptation; some of it is associated with relationship chapters of my life. Or work, sometimes.
So I've been slowly digesting the idea trying to figure out what needs to go on a list to remember to do. My weight's down where I can move & work way more comfortably now - so I need to start adding in some time sculpting ye olde bod. So back to pilates, yoga and tai chi... adding some weight training for muscle strength too. All mostly core work. Back strengthening.
For the last year or so, I've played around with the idea of letting my hair grow long again. Last haircut, I argued the whole way to town with myself about it and told Abby, I'll call ya for an appt, to shape things up as it grows out. The short classic bob DID look really good, was easy to deal with. Yes. She was able to do things with the natural wave in my hair that Jim never quite controlled. But I'm not going to be happy until I try this and if I hate it, well in the space of 1/2 an hour, Abby can put it back the way it was.
Clothes, I've gotten about as uncaring about as I did food, for awhile. Plain, unpatterned fabric that covered me. J. Jill turned out to be just the ticket for me. And the clothes FELT good too. Simple shapes; very zen-ish... no frills. Spartan. But then I have work clothes for the farm, so lots of Carhartt type stuff; Duluth. And well.... now I want to look pretty - in my eyes and his. Plus it feels weird to wear jammies that Mike bought me. So I started with a couple things for night time. Bought 3 dresses from JJill, that are really CUTE. I think it was when Holly and I went to see Nick Cave, back in November... that I realized my wardrobe sucked pathetically. It was depressing. Nothing fun or really flattering. And I haven't bought pretty shoes in like FOREVAH.
How we look to ourselves, kind of influences how we FEEL. How we look to the outside world, kind of has multiple roles. It communicates something about "who we are", like with a business suit or scrubs, and also expresses a bit of "who we are really" to other people. These are two completely different things for me.
What I've bought so far... will look just fine, sans another 5 lbs or so and at least another couple inches less... with some muscle firming and toning. And I need to practice - in front of a mirror - smiling more. Until it both looks good, and feels good. This poker face just isn't gonna cut it anymore.
