2019 Farm Life

[sKePTiKal]

John is good for me right now. He's a quiet introvert too but he made a point to explain why he's here, what he's hoping to be able to do during that time, and for how long. He's a chef, so he made a lovely italian sausage & pepper dinner last night and cleaned up after himself. He's asked me to task him with whatever needs doing around here. I'm not sure of his skill set, but he is constructing the interior of his small van as living space, if he chooses to stay in it.

He is also really good for Holly - given the long number of years they've been intimate friends.

So yesterday, was the first day in over a week I had time to simply SIT and putter around at some things that I WANT to take care of, to my satisfaction - not just the "that's good enough for now, I don't have time" rush-rush. John appreciates how much I do need that. Coming from Portland, he found himself in an environment where there's actual concrete civil disturbances and did the right thing by simply removing himself from that. Us mid-westerners can handle the boredom of thousands of acres of corn fields a lot better than too much urban stuff going on, that never sleeps. And my friend Vicki called, after seeing Hol's FB post about Bill; Vic was confused - thought it might be Buck - so she was checking up on me. Closest thing I have to a sister, since junior high. We babbled for an hour or so on the phone catching up. LOL, it's something when you have friends for close on to 50 years.

Buck and I talked last night too. Not about whatever I was trying to sort out - just talking. I feel better about whatever I thought it was. And I think he has the perfect solution for the bedroom conumdrum. Only furniture he's bringing is his mom's bedroom furniture. It's solid mahoghany. Only a couple pieces. But that's when I realized it wasn't the room as much as the bed. We humans are totally weird about some things like that aren't we? I'm going to have to change sides of the bed, too. He's left handed. But that will put me spooning right into him on my preferred sleeping side. I think we can make that work. 

[lighter]

I guess you'll be ready for whatever comes up, Amber.

With back up plans; )
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hmmmm. Plans usually don't remain intact upon contact with real life, Lighter. At least, that is my experience. And as of today - that appears a pretty solid piece of data for me.

That's how I learned to surf life; LOL. But sometimes, ya just want to lay on the beach and baste yourself under the sun, with the only demand on you being remembering to turn over every so often. Oh and breathing. Yeah, it's good to remember to breathe. LOL.

Nothing big is happening here. Sorry I'm being cryptic; I'm just letting other people's problems become mine and I shouldn't. I need to trust everything's going to be fine and let THEM sort it out while taking care of me. When the dust settles from this current storm going on around me, I'm pretty sure all will be well.

[Hopalong]

(((((((((Amber)))))))))

It sounds overwhelming. All the personalities in your space and MIND space, Hol's recent disaster and loss, a new personality you feel you must understand because John's in your presence, future issues for you and Buck, just everything.

I think you are magnetized to people's personalities and minds in an astonishing way. You are a walking compendium of psychological awareness and attunement. It must be extremely hard, when it's all going on in 3-D, to find the right personal detachment and distance to stay well.

Boundaries. They're so hard.

Big hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hugs back at ya, Hops.

I have mostly maintained my morning meditation, journal, review of anything confusing me type practice. If I try to sort this stuff out at night, I'll get racing brain and not sleep, so instead I let my dreams work on things and then deal with it more consciously in the morning. It works because Hol is a "don't talk to me till I've had my coffee" person too. So my cave is always a good place to do that. And then we have our morning/day's logistics meeting; that's usually 10 minutes and then she's ready to be off doing. Takes me a bit longer to get organized.

Steve is super quiet. He doesn't even take up psychic space. John hasn't been overly chatty either. Neither of them seem to require that kind of constant connection but when I need to converse about who's doing what or going where... they're both easy for me to talk to. And just having the male energy in the house is relaxing for me. John is on some kind of personal pilgrimage. He's headed south for Savannah, checking out different towns and parks and trying to find as many points in the day where he can positively impact the people he comes in contact with. Steve works a lot, on an erratic schedule (as needed for events) and yesterday, he was gone before I even saw him. It would seem that Holly's presence and her over-sharing (wonder where she gets that?) is what disturbs my ability to move through a whole day with calm. But we're working on the solution for that.

At one time, all this activity would put me in bed with pillows over my head and doors closed and locked. But except for being so impacted by "other people's problems" psychically; and the old reflex to try fix it for 'em... I'm definitely making progress, even if sometimes it feels like I got thrown into the deep end of the pool. I can let the activity whirl around me without feeling squished flat by a steamroller. I don't have to attach any major portion of mind to it. I can trust that everyone's got it covered. Things don't have to be a certain way ALL the time anymore.

I kinda need the experiences to keep on practicing and making progress; even when I make a mistake or don't see that the tension is building soon enough to catch it; release it; and completely let it go.

Lighter's right about paying attention to physical reaction, I think. I know exactly where I hold tension; store effort that I may need defensively or to express myself (which, despite my wordiness here, is still a major problem for me). If I can sense that discomfort sooner, then I can consciously address the why and deal with it, before I'm overwhelmed. But there's no denying how restorative the past few days of mostly peace & quiet has been. I totally need that.

Buck is also really chatty. It's hard for me to get a word in edgewise sometimes but I do fiercely make myself heard when it's important. Fortunately that's not the only way we communicate, even at a distance. The talkativeness is a temporary situation I think. He's been alone so long with only his own voice and brain to listen to, he's opening up with total trust and vulnerability. I can sorta relate to finally finding the person/place to do that and emptying everything out and sweeping out the cobwebs. He has some intense abandonment/betrayal experiences that are still kinda fresh wounds or not completely healed. Including some brand new ones.

So I get a chance to be there for him, the way he was there for me the night Hol got arrested. He absolutely needs to have that experience, too.

I'm seeing a "theme" in what I've been hearing about "other people's problems" lately. Kinda like a theme in a novel. The common denominator is that we seem to hold this subconscious expectation of other people that they have the same set of moral values as we do; and when we find they don't then the experience is disappointment, disillusion, resentment, abandonment and betrayal. It's especially problematic for people with a higher standard* that includes some absolutes too. The ability to recognize that we can't hold other people to our personal standards seems to be fading out. And perhaps that's why the old "live & let live" philosophy in our culture is harder to find.

*Sometimes that standard is old, rigid & traditional; but I also see it in people who will declaim proudly about their new modern values and how much better that makes them. Sigh. It all sounds like ego to me. How about we just accept that we're all doing the best we can to be kind and fair people? And that no one is ever "perfect" in that sense?


Just musing on a Sunday morning..... and falling into that professorial "we" again, I see. LOL.

[lighter]

Amber:

 I think that piece about holding people to a certain level of expectation regarding morals, and values is important. 

My oldest dd18 is SO different from me, and I've held longstanding frustration over her refusal to help anything go easier,  more smoothly.  She's just not interested, and she resists even more, bc she knows I so want her to care more about other people's feelings, needs, etc.

Just STOPPING that expectation in it's tracks, and pulling in my energy inward, has helped so much in our relationship. Not everyone will hold my views, and practice them. I'm getting over it, even if I sometimes slips, and I do.   

Honestly, I'm questioning my actions, thoughts and words, and finding DD18 is someone who has lessons to teach me about minding my own business, and taking care of what's mine..... eek.  Really uncomfortable for me, but it's important, IME.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

In my relations with Hol, the roles are reversed, I think. She's the one with expectations; and I'm the one who's gone through some actual change and am now different than the image of me, she has in her head.

She's back from B'more after helping/supporting her friend over Bill's passing. I'm pretty sure Melina drove home the point: you still have a mom. She lost her mom 8 years ago to cancer. Fortunately, Melina had started therapy before the surgery so has that support as well.

It's already been an exciting morning here. John got his van stuck on some of the rocks near the house; Hol was pulling him off with Helga and here come TWO well trucks for the drilling activity today at the Hut site. I made Steve laugh, when I said "so much for peace & quiet". He's also a lover of the silence and nature environment, so he & I actually understand each other on that wavelength.

[Hopalong]

((((Amber))))
Had this on the Relationship thread but decided to plonk it here. On re-reading, I think I might be way off base, so please forgive me if I'm really clueless about your dynamics with her. Maybe too much projection on my part. TOSS whatever's irrelevant, please do.
--------------

I'm sorry, Amber. Having your daughter on your case right now can't be helping.

I wonder, have you ever reconsidered you might have boundary issues with Hol? As in, do you think it's possible that oversharing (like intimate details of your relationship with your boyfriend, who may eventually become a stepfather figure) or enmeshment have crept into your relationship with her? Even if they have, that weave can be gradually unpicked, and rewoven into something that feels healthier, more resembling parent and child than best friend and buddy, or therapist and therapee.

I ask just out of my own experience, which may give me a distorted view. I wish I had had stronger boundaries with my D, and hadn't been so lost myself that her illness, her neediness and my own interacted in such a way that we were too close, even enmeshed. When she left my life, there was no solid sense of roles either of us could retreat to that would allow her to re-approach, re-calibrate, re-engage. I don't think there's any strong connection between my story and yours (clearly not, with your D sharing your property). But the boundary issue did come to mind.

It's such a hard set of roles to negotiate, especially if the child is having some trouble "adulting." One thing that happened for us was I was forbidden to be vulnerable or have needs of my own. Eventually, I felt she didn't even regard me as a human being; more like a faucet. There wasn't room for both of us to be in peak struggle, and the over-closeness meant that when both were under massive stress, one got sacrificed. In a way, the estrangement reminds me of what happens to some marriages when a child dies. The couple don't stop loving each other; there's just too much pain for them to continue enduring each other's as reminders of it. Somebody leaves.

Anyway, that was a big digression, and probably not relevant at all. I just hear you being stressed and it saddens me. You have literally moved a mountain to make room and haven for her. I am sure she loves you and wants you to thrive, but not sure at the moment whether she's grateful. I don't whether King Lear is good company, but I could relate to his famous painful lament: "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless [ungrateful] child."

These days, his child might be called entitled.

Hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

You raise some good points - relevant to my exact situation or not. Hol and I might have sorted out the problem this morning. Time will tell.

I think ROLES are more important here than boundaries all by themselves. We're pretty good at respecting each other's boundaries. Most of the time. And we usually recognize when we're pushing one - and explaining the reason for it. But she doesn't need me mothering her any more than I need it in reverse. So we are trying on some different roles and figuring out what works the best - without making the other uncomfortable.

She has been a source of friction and perhaps felt that I wasn't free to have as close a relationship as she wanted, with past husbands. Says a lot more about them than us. I could see her being anxious about that happening again, with Buck. He SAYS he's not like that, and being intuitive himself, he's already tried to put Hol's mind at ease about that issue. Time will tell. I don't think he'll be possessive, but there's no doubt he'll be PROTECTIVE, and the one could easily be perceived as the other.

But it's trying to define and grow into new roles where we're butting heads. Clearly communication can be improved. We're both sensitive on certain topics and when faced with a certain set of emotions. But we'll sort it out. There is a truly strong bond & respect between us.

But we can't do parent-child so much in this situation. It wouldn't even be appropriate at her age. We hashed that role issue shortly after she moved in. LOL. We also can't just be besties either - the difference in generations/perspective are 20 years each way. And business models only help define power, authority, and autonomy boundaries. So, we're having to find what works for us.

Just like Buck and I will get to do too. I've already told him it would be unwise to confuse me with any past wives. I won't confuse him with past husbands, but it's going to take awareness at first until we settle in. LOL... he makes me laugh and smile... because he makes no bones or excuses about who he is and when I remind him, that's what I fell in love with and please don't change... the man goes positively twitterpated. LOL. He's not experienced that before.

Some of what has been directed at me, from Hol, wasn't about me & her at all. I was just standing in for the object of a tirade that she absolutely needed to verbalize. She probably should've warned me sooner because I wasn't picking up on that at all. That is sorted out.

What I THINK I'm seeing in her, is that she still doesn't feel secure in her position around here (nor the terms of the estate) despite work on her house commencing. Buck is a variable in that future-anxiety. So I need to ponder & design a way to resolve those kinds of things - some small ritual that is flexible and informal - so the air can remain clear. And she can relax. And resentment isn't allowed to grow beyond annoyance.

[Hopalong]

Whew. That's a LOT! I get it.

I loved reading about the "strong love and respect" between you and Hol. That's very reassuring. As to whether she should have warned you pre-tirade, sounds like she was already losing control of herself in that moment, so was past being able to tell you, "This is going to be a massive vent, not about you...can you listen?" I love how all those grownup preambles [scripts, my specialty] do us about zero good in the moment....

Her vibes with Buck? Perhaps if you did not discuss with her the details of what you're working on as you grow closer with him, that would help? IOW, if instead you treat your relationship with your man as entirely private territory, and project confidence that you are he are two happy older adults who are in charge of your own relationship connection and decisions? But not sharing details or the entire blow by blow.

Maybe...generalities. "Buck's really wonderful and supportive. I'm really glad to have him in my life, and we're glad to be building our relationship." [script alert!] But then stop with the deep, personal psychological layers of it, which might be too much for a child of any age to handle well. Much less if she's feeling vulnerable. As a separate thing, is there a simple way to spell out for her exactly what her ownership and secure place are on the mountain, in the trust, whatever?

I hope you can make all those decision (intimate and estate) without involving her in the process. If she just knows, "You are taken care of, and you will never have to be worried about your home here". If she's MORE interested, or protective, or paranoid...about your personal plans for your estate (and thusly, her inheritance) -- we could be creeping into entitlement OR boundary territory.

Anyway, I'm not sure I'm right (repeat ad nauseum). Things may have changed or be different than I comprehend about larger estate issues. The way I was raised was that it would be a shocking breach of manners for an inheritee (?) to try to influence whatever they are going to inherit. Because their loyalty and help to a parent was bout filial duty, not manipulation.

Hmmm. Did I ever have those thoughts? Yes I did. And felt wrong about it. So...more Hops' projection....filter, filter, filter!

You sound very clear, not rocked to your bones.

Buck belongs to you, and I hope you boundarize the space you need as two equal adults to negotiate and make your way into your future as a couple without family drama. You don't need it.

Hugs and gratitude,
Hops

PS -- A "twitterpated" Buck is the most delightful image I've contemplated today. !!

[sKePTiKal]

We had a very adult and calm discussion about roles and how we'll be swapping roles at various times during the Hut construction process and farm development. It's reassuring to her that she gets to be the general on the Hut - and I'm just facilitator, right hand man. She got to say her piece - and be heard - without me reacting instantly. (shakes head; she's right I was jumping right into defensive reaction without hearing her out...)

So for now, we're all good. SOME of the Buck stuff does need sharing since she IS concerned about my welfare and I do have solid boundaries on things that are simply none of her business. She doesn't push, any more than she volunteers overmuch about her and Steve. All the estate stuff is explained to her satisfaction - including some fail-safes for helping her with her sister and if I decide to add anything extra for Buck, it will also be limited and basically under her control... up until she released it from the trust.

I like hearing your take on things Hops! Even if it is a little more of what you know personally, versus what's going on around here. It shines light on things I might not have thought of. Believe it or not I MISS a lot of things. LOL.

[sKePTiKal]

Well yesterday wasn't such a good day.

Mike's & my anniversary; I tried to avoid it then got an email from his medical records - which I had tried to disable 3 times in the last 4 years. Apparently death doesn't affect databases. That crap's forever.

Hol hasn't stopped her barrage. Just changed tactics. Back to boundaries and what I call shields/force fields.

Everything I wanted to get accomplished yesterday took a back seat to what other people wanted.

And poor Buck stepped on the landmine which was my internal pressure building up and he took the full force of it. I think I'm going to just crawl back into a hole somewhere and re-think everything. Now, if you'll excuse me...

[lighter]

Remember to keep breathing, Amber. 

Deeply, with intention. 

All will be well.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

((((((((Amber))))))))).

I'm so sorry.
You are truly feeling beleagured, and justifiably so.

I think Hol needs to learn to stop her own runaway train. She may not recognize how destructive this is, but that doesn't excuse aggressive or disrespectful behavior.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this pressure.

I'm resonating with this a lot because of my own experience, of course...which tilts me. Not objective.

Time for some respect and tenderness for her mother, I say. Whatever boundaries there are she seems to feel comfortable trampling. She's lost perspective about who's who, and where, and with whose resources.

Not demonizing her, she's doing what she feels it's okay to do. And I have no doubt she's a vital and interesting and valuable and wonderful person. But. SO ARE YOU.

You deserve respectful treatment, not to mention loving behavior. That's not kow-towing, it's just...right.

Big hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

The easiest way to describe what I see as my only way through, is to call it "pulling rank". No point in trying to map that out specifically. Just have to surf it. She's tough; she won't like me much for awhile, but hey - it needs to happen.

I *think* Buck is OK. We each got some space; I apologized and explained. Probably too much, but he's OK; we're OK.

The whole pulling rank thing is awkward for me. I don't see myself being leader material. But I can't really escape, finesse or delegate that role around here without doing a dis-service to myself and everyone else too. That time will come; it ain't now.

Hello, big girl panties. LOL. Or as I like to call them, my stainless steel armor.